Seeking your expertise
Find a Conversation
Seeking your expertise
| Thu, 10-19-2006 - 4:38pm |
Hi Everyone!
I am not sure this is the right place for me, but here I am.
I am starting to suspect that this uncontrollable anger I have felt all my life is bipolar. I will probably never know for sure - I don't see a counselor or psychiatrist, and have no plans to do so. I have had a few counselling sessions in the past (the distant past) and didn't really understand why absolutely everyone has a therapist. I felt empty after it.
I think if I am bipolar to a mild degree it may be drug (prescription) induced. I take prednisone, and i have all my life. I tried to stop taking it about 18 months ago. That was great for a little while, then I ended up ruining my health because of it.
I won't take meds either. In addition to prednisone, I take a fair amount of other drugs, and doctors always seem to want me to take one more. I have taken 2 antidepressants in my whole life: Lexapro for 4 days (it made me happy but zoned - didn't feel I could function at my highest with it) and Wellbutrin for 2 days (that really seemed to bring out my anger, I had to nearly quarantine myself from my family while coming off that. I wanted to bite everyone's head off over NOTHING.)
My GP (who sent me down the SSRI path) recently told me I have "a problem with anxiety". He doesn't know the half of it - the anger and rages and suicidal tendencies. Oh, I guess he does know that I took an anti-malarial for a few weeks while travelling and went way suicidal on that, but Lariam has a rather famous reputation for making people crazy, and he seems to think it wasn't the Lariam, just me. Still, when it comes to my problems, anxiety doesn't even break the top ten.
I have 2 kids. If I am bipolar then my father is bipolar times a million! The angriest man on earth. I would like to break the cycle. My oldest is really an awesome kid - such a sweetheart! He's the kind of kid I like to think I would have been, given half a chance. He has seen my husband and me have such disgusting shouting matches over the stupidest disagreements. If I could remember what it was yesterday morning, I'd illustrate with an example, but the inciting incidents are so minor that I forget them in a flash.
My other child is just a baby, so he's a silent witness to all of this.
Could anyone share everyday coping mechanisms with me? When I feel myself about to explode, I try a few things, none of them are all that effective. Perhaps I need to try harder? I think of my parents and how much I hate them and how I don't want my kids to think of me the way I think of my parents. If I can, I remove myself. But mostly I just give in to it and explode. It's so much easier in the moment, and so much harder when I calm down and look back. I find it easier to stay calm with my child than with my husband. That man gets the worst of it every time.
Any tips? Thoughts on whether this sounds like it could be bipolar to you?
Thanks for reading,
Cari
I am not sure this is the right place for me, but here I am.
I am starting to suspect that this uncontrollable anger I have felt all my life is bipolar. I will probably never know for sure - I don't see a counselor or psychiatrist, and have no plans to do so. I have had a few counselling sessions in the past (the distant past) and didn't really understand why absolutely everyone has a therapist. I felt empty after it.
I think if I am bipolar to a mild degree it may be drug (prescription) induced. I take prednisone, and i have all my life. I tried to stop taking it about 18 months ago. That was great for a little while, then I ended up ruining my health because of it.
I won't take meds either. In addition to prednisone, I take a fair amount of other drugs, and doctors always seem to want me to take one more. I have taken 2 antidepressants in my whole life: Lexapro for 4 days (it made me happy but zoned - didn't feel I could function at my highest with it) and Wellbutrin for 2 days (that really seemed to bring out my anger, I had to nearly quarantine myself from my family while coming off that. I wanted to bite everyone's head off over NOTHING.)
My GP (who sent me down the SSRI path) recently told me I have "a problem with anxiety". He doesn't know the half of it - the anger and rages and suicidal tendencies. Oh, I guess he does know that I took an anti-malarial for a few weeks while travelling and went way suicidal on that, but Lariam has a rather famous reputation for making people crazy, and he seems to think it wasn't the Lariam, just me. Still, when it comes to my problems, anxiety doesn't even break the top ten.
I have 2 kids. If I am bipolar then my father is bipolar times a million! The angriest man on earth. I would like to break the cycle. My oldest is really an awesome kid - such a sweetheart! He's the kind of kid I like to think I would have been, given half a chance. He has seen my husband and me have such disgusting shouting matches over the stupidest disagreements. If I could remember what it was yesterday morning, I'd illustrate with an example, but the inciting incidents are so minor that I forget them in a flash.
My other child is just a baby, so he's a silent witness to all of this.
Could anyone share everyday coping mechanisms with me? When I feel myself about to explode, I try a few things, none of them are all that effective. Perhaps I need to try harder? I think of my parents and how much I hate them and how I don't want my kids to think of me the way I think of my parents. If I can, I remove myself. But mostly I just give in to it and explode. It's so much easier in the moment, and so much harder when I calm down and look back. I find it easier to stay calm with my child than with my husband. That man gets the worst of it every time.
Any tips? Thoughts on whether this sounds like it could be bipolar to you?
Thanks for reading,
Cari

Pages
I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it sounds suspiciously very like what I have gone through my whole life. My self dx as of 8 yrs ago (after watching DS struggle) was Early Onset Bi-Polar. My dx was concurred with by a tdoc and a pdoc about 6 mo ago. As to "minor" incidents causing MAJOR anger, I remember as a kid walking through the dining room, heading outside, and my mom asked me to put the butter in the ice-box (dating myself and my family there, it was actually a refrigerator, but we called it an ice-box still) on the way, which it was. I was walking right by the table would travel by the ice-box and go outside, but I just blew up inside....couldn't let it show as that was unacceptable, but when I got outside I had to go ride my bike a good 30 min. to calm down.
Your reaction to anti-depressants (AD's) is typical of bp taking an AD without a mood stabilizer (MS). Don't know about Lariam.
You are falling into the trap I let myself fall into, maybe I just need to try harder, maybe it WAS something I did, maybe, maybe....I know how you feel about meds, I am in the same boat too (I seriously could have written this post myself a year ago), but DW and the tdoc convinced me I needed to do SOMETHING for the sake of my marriage and our kids if nothing else. Finally went to a pdoc (after putting it off for months) and he prescribed Lamictal. DW saw an improvement in the first week even though I was still not up to therapeutic dosage yet. Leveled off at 100 mg a day (50 in the morning 50 at night) and haven't noticed any side effects, but DW says she is now longer scared of my explosions. I have noticed that I can keep my rage from exploding now, where a year ago I would not have even tried. When I was ramping up, I found myself blowing my top a little more often, but since I have hit the 100 mg, I have been able to control it. Got close last night here at work and was able to realize it, realize it wasn't doing any good, stepped back, took a few deep breaths and felt the rage subside a little, enough that I figured out what I was doing and then the rage disappated.
What you described of your father is what I was told to look for in my family history when we were trying to dx DS. Found it pretty easily, had a brother with a hair trigger temper. Also had alcoholism on the paternal side and a bp great-grandmother on my maternal side. Anyway, that is my 2 cents and please realize I am NOT a doc, JMHO.
Good luck,
tk
Hi and welcome.
Rages are definately a sign of bipolar and when they are a problem we need to learn anger management. It is so far from being easy to do and takes time and true sincerity in wanting to stop acting out in that manner. I used to have bad rages at times, for years. It took me awhile to get a handle on it but I never gave up and you don't have to either. You will fall and then there will be times you keep yourself calm. When you do keep your self rational you will be so proud of yourself. Each time you do this you become the person you WANT to be.
I have to step back and say in my head...what is this all about?, how important is this to me to make a big deal out of?
One of my big things was feeling like I had to defend myself for some reason even if the situation wasn't a threatening one. For example for a long time I hated men. I was hurt time and time again by men, my dad, brother, boyfriends and strangers. I was molested, raped and seen violent abuse growing up. I became a person who was ready to fight to protect myself. NO ONE was going to hurt me again in anyway. I even had a walk like...mess with me and you will be sorry...my mom told me that. When I started seeing my first real boyfriend whom I was sexually active with, he became my world, yet, he didn't own me and never would. Any time I thought he or any man seemed in authority or possessive ( jealous) I immediately became raged. It would get ugly. I also dared a man to hit me. Go ahead do it. I told them if they did I would have them arrested and if nothing happened to them,
~ Tina ~
Hi tk, and thanks for the thoughtful response.
While I wouldn't wish to be bipolar, it does really help that you said you can relate to my experiences, so in many ways your message is exactly what I wanted to hear. It is a relief to hear that there may be more to this than me just being lazy. I would love to stop hating myself for all of the mean things I've said and done, especially to my child. He is just 4 so I still feel like if I can fix myself soon, he may have few or no memories of his mom blowing a gasket over, say, the way he eats dinner. Yes, your story of being asked to put the butter in the "icebox" (love that word!) sounds just like me.
My family history seems to point to bipolar tendencies. There's my dad, who would never, never think for one moment that there might be something wrong with him. Right before I cut him out of my life I told him that if we were going to have a relationship, he could never yell at me again. He had the cheek to tell me "I have 60 employees. I don't yell at people." (Don't know what the number of employees has to do with anything, but it made sense to him I guess.) He yells at people, a lot.
My brother is the other clue. He committed himself to a mental institution about 10 years ago, stayed for maybe a month. Then, exactly 4 years later, he took cocaine at my wedding, went into some sort of mania or psychosis (making no sense when he talked) and got arrested that night for posession. It was extremely disruptive to my wedding, needless to say, and he has yet to apologize, not that I really want to hear from him. As a kid he was extremely violent - scary, Ted Bundy kind of violent. I am still surprised he hasn't turned out to be a serial killer, he was really troubled from an early age.
I am sorry that you are seeing this in your son. Honestly, that just turns my stomach to think of my child going through the kind of emotional turmoil I've been through, whether it's genuine bipolar or not. Sounds like your life is much better now that you've started addressing this, though, and that your son will get the benefit of early intervention.
Well, that's my roundabout way of saying thanks, it really helped to hear your perspective! I will keep your input in mind as I decide whether I should address this in myself, and how.
Take care,
Cari
Hi Tina,
Thanks for the welcome and the reply!
Ooooo, I see some similarities between us. I have dared several men to hit me. I think I wanted them to, I wanted a fight. At the time, I doubt I would have felt it. I once shoved a panhandler against a wall when he was bothering a friend of mine (aggressively demanding money and calling my friend some ugly epithets). The panhandler told me that he killed people over stuff like that (OK, I don't believe that, but still...) I have hit my husband a few times, and he has had to wrestle me to the ground to get me to calm down. God, I sound bonkers!
I am sorry about the abuse. Abuse, especially sexual, seems to be a common thread on this board. So sad! I have never been sexually abused, just physically and verbally. I count myself lucky. I do have many recurring dreams about sexual assault, though. I think it's because I was hospitalized at an early age and I always felt violated by doctors examining me. I can relate to hating men. When I was a kid, all doctors (that I encountered) were old, white men, and I was enraged at all of them. I still don't like nor trust most doctors unless I have known them a while and they have an awesome bedside manner. I have been lucky enough to find one or two.
Thank you for the encouragement. I hadn't thought about it as 'giving up on myself' but you're right, this is an important investment in myself, as well as my children. I will keep trying, despite the inevitable lapses. I appreciate the coping tips. I will look into those books. I like the idea of question what is at the root of the anger, and is it worth it. My son's teachers say that at his age, each arguement feels like the most important thing in the world. Sad to say I often feel the same, even at my age. Meds and counselling aren't in the cards right now, but one day I may change my mind on that and revisit those possibilities.
Thank you so much. Oh, regarding your other post, I've been on blood pressure meds since I was a child, too. They don't bother me that much, side effects are mild or non-existent for me. What do you take, if you don't mind my asking? I used to take Lisinopril but had to come off that due to alarming labs. I now take Atenolol. A whole bunch of it.
Thanks again, and take care,
Cari
Hi Cari,
I am glad my post helped you some...if nothing else to help you see you aren't alone.
My rage, too, left me feeling unafraid of anyone, even big men...stupid.
A guy in a rollback tow truck once ran me off the road so I got back on the road and followed him. I was trying to get his tag number to report him. He pulled down in this neighborhood, which happened to be the road my cousin lives on. At the stop sign he makes a left and I make a left, he stops then I stop,
~ Tina ~
Hi Cari and Welcome, glad you found us.
I don't have much to add other then I took prednisone for about a week or two earlier this year and I could not believe how angry I was.
God could not be everywhere, so
Cari,
Prednisone can definitely up the ante with anger problems--while not exactly the same as what athletes take, it can still still bring on 'roid rage.
The only way to be sure if you're BP or not is through a psychiatrist (or sometimes a therapist).
Tina, wow, this is spooky - I was hospitalized for kidney problems, too. I had a kidney transplant when I was 5 years old.
I am amazed you didn't grow to hate the doctors. That shows some real maturity - that you could recognize that they were trying to help, even at such a young age. NOTHING wrong with finding something cool about that painful-sounding procedure. Take joy wherever you can find it!
I did hate doctors, and I think the feeling became mutual (can't blame some of them - I could be a mean kid). What I remember the most bitterly is not the painful procedures - as an adult I know they couldn't help those - but the things they said. They used to make me return once a year for these panel interviews in which 3 or 4 doctors would fire questions at me, a child. All my symptoms were my fault. I had brutal insomnia as a kid, went through years of stress because my days were consumed with worrying about being sent to bed, where I wouldn't be able to sleep and would be terrified that I would be murdered by a stranger (some kind of anxiety or something). Prednisone causes insomnia, but the doctors told me it was becuase of my nominal diet soda consumption.
Prednisone also causes weight gain. I gained 12 lbs in a year around the age of 10, and the pediatric nephrologist berated me over that, ending with "What are you going to look like when you're 20?" . I've had varying degrees of anorexia ever since. (And of course, 12 pounds in a year is nothing, so I'm not sure what got him so riled.)
Please take very good care of your kidney! 30% is scary, but the kidney can function on less than that, so I hope that means good news for you. I just had a most depressing appointment this morning regarding my kidney, so am not in a good place to talk about my situation right now. But know that I may understand more than you expected, and I care!
Thank you for telling me that the abuse I went through mattered! I think verbal abuse is a tough sell with most people, that whole "sticks and stones" rhyme we all learned. It helped to get a reminder that abuse is abuse is abuse.
Thanks for sharing with me. I am learning a lot from your stories.
Cari
Hi Donna,
Thanks for the welcome, I'm glad to be here!
I'm relieved to hear I'm not the only one who found prednisone rather nightmarish. I take a really low dose now - 2.5mg/day - but have been on as high as 80 mg/day. Knowing what I know now, it's a wonder I didn't end up in a straight jacket.
I have not heard that about prednisone and glucose, but I am set to have my glucose tested soon, I think. I follow a low glycemic index diet (by choice) so diabetes II would be a bummer, but probably wouldn't change my daily life much.
Thanks for the info!
Cari
Hi Marci,
Thanks for the reply! You have every right to feel strongly about meds and therapy, I am so glad they work for so many people. I sincerely hope my earlier comments didn't come off like I thought they were a bad idea. I can certainly imagine how much more suffering there would be without these resources.
I would love to find a great therapist and begin improving my life, but the problem is I only see the obstacles right now: the feeling bad initially, the weeding through the ones that just don't click. I've heard a few horror stories from friends about therapists - amusing stories, no emotional damage done, but still. I don't think I would find it funny right now if similar things happened to me.
Meds are a tough one. I feel pretty maxxed out on drugs right now. Then there are all my little issues: I won't do weight gain, I can't have anything that's processed through the kidney. My GP will always have a place in my heart, though. Here I am, marching into middle age, and he was the first doctor EVER to take one look at me and say "You don't look so good. Talk to me." He cared enough to ask about my emotional state, where the rest of the MDs who've come and gone through my life just want to deal with the physical, and sometimes not even that.
I am surprised to hear that I had a typical bipolar reaction to antidepressants. I was expecting everyone to say "Oh, please! You are NOT bipolar!" I am learning so much here. Thank you.
Cari
Pages