Seeking your expertise

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Seeking your expertise
15
Thu, 10-19-2006 - 4:38pm
Hi Everyone!
I am not sure this is the right place for me, but here I am.
I am starting to suspect that this uncontrollable anger I have felt all my life is bipolar. I will probably never know for sure - I don't see a counselor or psychiatrist, and have no plans to do so. I have had a few counselling sessions in the past (the distant past) and didn't really understand why absolutely everyone has a therapist. I felt empty after it.
I think if I am bipolar to a mild degree it may be drug (prescription) induced. I take prednisone, and i have all my life. I tried to stop taking it about 18 months ago. That was great for a little while, then I ended up ruining my health because of it.
I won't take meds either. In addition to prednisone, I take a fair amount of other drugs, and doctors always seem to want me to take one more. I have taken 2 antidepressants in my whole life: Lexapro for 4 days (it made me happy but zoned - didn't feel I could function at my highest with it) and Wellbutrin for 2 days (that really seemed to bring out my anger, I had to nearly quarantine myself from my family while coming off that. I wanted to bite everyone's head off over NOTHING.)
My GP (who sent me down the SSRI path) recently told me I have "a problem with anxiety". He doesn't know the half of it - the anger and rages and suicidal tendencies. Oh, I guess he does know that I took an anti-malarial for a few weeks while travelling and went way suicidal on that, but Lariam has a rather famous reputation for making people crazy, and he seems to think it wasn't the Lariam, just me. Still, when it comes to my problems, anxiety doesn't even break the top ten.
I have 2 kids. If I am bipolar then my father is bipolar times a million! The angriest man on earth. I would like to break the cycle. My oldest is really an awesome kid - such a sweetheart! He's the kind of kid I like to think I would have been, given half a chance. He has seen my husband and me have such disgusting shouting matches over the stupidest disagreements. If I could remember what it was yesterday morning, I'd illustrate with an example, but the inciting incidents are so minor that I forget them in a flash.
My other child is just a baby, so he's a silent witness to all of this.
Could anyone share everyday coping mechanisms with me? When I feel myself about to explode, I try a few things, none of them are all that effective. Perhaps I need to try harder? I think of my parents and how much I hate them and how I don't want my kids to think of me the way I think of my parents. If I can, I remove myself. But mostly I just give in to it and explode. It's so much easier in the moment, and so much harder when I calm down and look back. I find it easier to stay calm with my child than with my husband. That man gets the worst of it every time.
Any tips? Thoughts on whether this sounds like it could be bipolar to you?
Thanks for reading,
Cari

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Fri, 10-20-2006 - 8:34pm

This is spooky---us both having kidney and rage problems in common. Ok, our kidney's made us do it (instead of the devil made me do it) ...LOL


Having a kidney transplant at 5 is a big trauma for a young child. But a blessing you were able to get a kidney. My docs told me 30% is low but functionable. I just have to be careful the older I get. My left kidney takes up some of the slack and because of that the left one is bigger than normal size but no problems with that one. I don't have to do dialysis so I am still in the good. I do get kidney stones alot though, in my right kidney. The last attack I had was in May. I had the stone along with a kidney infection. It was horrible. I thought I was going to die. It wasn't a pretty site with the vomiting and

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 5:26pm

>>>>>> I had brutal insomnia as a kid, went through years of stress because my days were consumed with worrying about being sent to bed, where I wouldn't be able to sleep and would be terrified that I would be murdered by a stranger (some kind of anxiety or something).<<<<<

"cari", this is typical EOBP....violent nightmares, being chased, someone/something evil outside your window, fights where you're kicking butt then your weapons turn to toys, your punchs don't do any damage....the stories I could tell. I don't think that was "some kind of anxiety or something". Like someone else posted, only a pdoc or tdoc and can REALLY give you a good dx, but from reading your posts it sounds like "classic" EOBP. My DS had been having these nightmares from such an early age he though they were "normal" dreams. All the pdocs and tdoc kept asking DS if he had nightmares and he kept saying no....well after one appointment I got to thinking about how young he was when DW and myself started seeing EOBP symptoms that I thought about he might think this is normal, so I asked DS if he had dreams all the time about being chased, lots of blood and gore, etc. and he answered yes (all the while looking at me like "How did you know").
I guess what I am getting at is if the pdocs and tdocs don't know the right questions to ask or even the right way to ask them then the right dx isn't made.

I feel for the way you were treated by docs all your life. I can't understand the training these docs got/get sometimes. Several of them seem to blame the patient....someone mentioned GP's prescribing psych meds being a nightmare which makes me appreciate my GP even more, he wouldn't even go there....said he was uncomfortable doing that and referred me to a pdoc. Soooo, keep looking "cari" there are some good docs out there, just gotta find them.

I also wanted to re-iterate about the meds. I understand about feeling like being over medicated etc. and worrying about the side affects of meds, but I wanted to point out and re-affirm what someone else posted, bp is a disorder just like diabetes or your kidney problems....so don't beat yourself up about not being able to control your anger, it is fueled by a disorder(I hate the word "disease" to describe bp) called Bi-Polar. JMHO

Your story sounds so much like mine (except for the medical problems, I was healthy as a horse growing up), but the rest of it sounds like me. I can understand where you are coming from and hope it helps you see that you aren't alone and that you aren't a failure for being unable to control your outbursts all the time. I also wanted to give you more support with the abuse....abuse is abuse, no matter what form it takes. Don't sell yourself short by shrugging off the physical and verbal abuse....it has ?helped?/forced to make you who you are today. Your H sounds like a sort of understanding type to take the abuse you hand out and still be there for you....I am surprised at times my DW stuck it out with me after her telling me finally what it has been like living with me. I haven't become violent with her or the kids, but she could feel the anger and tension in me and blamed herself alot. Anyway, hang around here for the support and get the help you need medically....as you said, for your kids if nothing else. You should do it for yourself, but if it takes the kids to motivate you think of them....it was my marriage and the kids that forced me to FINALLY try meds myself. I got lucky and the first try seems to be working....I know it can be a nightmare though finding the right meds.

Good luck,
tk

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 9:56pm

Hi Tina

Oh, girl, kidney stones?! I am SO sorry to hear that. I have never been through that particular hell, but people who have tend to start their story with "God, the unbelievable pain....!" Thank you for the offer of support - I am happy to return it whenever I may. Just let me know when it's needed and it's yours. : )

My transplant has given me very little trouble in 30 years, but that streak seems to be coming to an end. I've just come off a super emotional weekend with my visit to a transplant center not going as I'd hoped. There were a lot of patients in the waiting room talking about their experiences and bringing up so many bad memories for me that I was practially in tears when I got back to the consultation room. Then things with the doctors didn't go well, either. I'm trying to process it and figure out where I'm maybe making assumptions and depressing myself needlessly. I'm very good at that!

I can't thank you enough for your understanding. Are you studying to be a therapist? I hope so, because you have a clear talent for talking to people and helping them through tough times. I feel better for having met you.

Take care, and be gentle with that kidney!

Cari

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 10-22-2006 - 11:21pm

Wow, tk, you've given me a lot to think about here. I did have a lot of nightmares as a kid, but I don't think I ever bothered to tell anyone. I'm sure I did think it was normal. That was one thing I did NOT like about Lexapro when I briefly took it 2 years ago: it seemed to bring out all of these horrible sexual assault dreams. I had one or two a night, and had a harder time than usual distinguishing between dreams and reality - everything seemed so real on that drug.

I am so sorry to hear about your son's struggles. It is so difficult to watch our kids suffer. Right now, everything with my older child seems remarkably stable, but if warning signs occur, I hope I can be as proactive as you've been.

I am glad your wife has seen your marriage through. Sometimes I have no idea why my husband has stayed, but then sometimes I wonder why I married him, so in the end, we're just like any other couple, I suppose! That's one thing I'll say for my husband, he is not abusive. He doesn't call me names, certainly doesn't get violent, and he is working on self-improvement in other ways. I have been adamant that we never hit our kids, I am vehemently against spanking. That is the one way I feel I have triumphed over my past - I have not passed the physical violence along. We also don't call the kids names, and if we do so in fun, are very clear with the oldest that we are just joking. But, oh, the way he's seen me treat his father....

I haven't told my husband about my bipolar suspicions. I'm not sure why - part of it is a fear of suddenly not being taken seriously, which has been discussed on this board recently. I had that same fear during pregnancy, and worked myself into the ground to hide my mood swings so that I wouldn't hear "There, there, it's just hormones." Part of it is an embarrassment that I KNOW I'm not supposed to feel, I KNOW it's an illness like any other, but if it makes people reading feel any better, I'm embarrassed by my kidney history, too.

You've certainly got my attention with the similarities between us. I really appreciate you validating my past experiences, and telling me I'm not a failure. I will try to accept that. As my health deteriorates I will be spending more time at transplant centers, and most of them have mental health professionals on the "transplant team" to help with the experience (how things have changed!). Since I am hearing that bipolar is a serious, treatable illness and that my life could be happier if I address it, I will broach the subject with a social worker or similar and see where it leads me. That's a fairly easy first step I can take, and I really have nothing to lose, right?

Oh, and I'll be hanging around here, too! : )

Great to hear from you again,

Cari

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Mon, 10-23-2006 - 12:43pm

I can imagine what the AD's did to you. I don't remember the nightmares increasing while I was on Zoloft, but I would wake up in the morning in the foulest "black" mood, practically ready to kill someone....definitely ready to fling that *&^%$#@ alarm clock against a wall. Anyway, I would encourage you to take the first step like you mentioned and broach the subject with the mental health professional on the transplant team. Be sure and mention the nightmares etc. I didn't even realize about the nightmares until I was loaned a book (which I subsequently bought) by a tdoc that was counciling my son, called "The Bi-Polar Child" (still one of the BEST refrence books for eobp that I have found). It might be worth at least checking out for yourself, because as I have seen from reading on this site and other reference sites, EOBP is a "different" set of symptoms and a different presentation than adult onset bp. IMHO. I, like you, just thought "everyone" has/had those kinds of nightmares that often. They seem to have mitigated somewhat, but last night was rough for some reason....possibly triggered by something I read....not sure, just know had far too many nightmares last night.

Thanks for the encouragment about DS....I feel overwhelmed at times and don't feel proactive at all....feel like I am about two steps behind ALL the time. Currently going through a rough spell (there is a thread on the child bp message board), but I think DW and myself stumbled on the answer last night. DS is on Semprex D, Singulair, Wellbutrin, and Depakote. Well when we went to the new doc after we moved he wrote the Semprex prescription for the liquid form....DS doesn't like the taste so he quit taking it (he's 16 so trying to let him grow up and not monitor EVERY second of his life), well we have been down this road before. Some how the way the Semprex interacts with the other meds, when he stops taking the Semprex he goes manic. DW is going to make an appointment and get DS back on the capsules. We'll see what happens after that. Definitely keep an eye on your children, the further back the bp goes in the family, the more likely it will show up in each generation...Good Luck.

In a way I can relate to the fear of being discounted because of the disorder, but not as much....I haven't had to go through the "Well someone is PMS'ing" bit, so that is not as ingrained....being dismissed as hormonal or whatever. I personally think if you brought this up with your H, it might be helpful as he will then know just what the heck is going on. JMHO. Right now he is walking on eggshells around you wondering what he does/is doing/has done will set you off. You know him better (obviously) so that is your call, but there is my two cents. That coming from listening to DW and having to reassure her that my reactions where sometimes WAYYYY out of line for what the "percieved" slight warranted, if there even was a slight, just something that rubbed me the wrong way THAT DAY.

Well hang in there and good luck with your health issues,
tk

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