I am here, hurting, but would like to stay here and heal .....

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2011
I am here, hurting, but would like to stay here and heal .....
5
Mon, 04-18-2011 - 10:08pm

Hi Everyone,

It has been about a year since I posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2010
Dear Hurtlady,

I am so sorry that you are hurting - sadder still that you went back into the affair after you were warned here that there is NO such thing as a friendship after an affair. You have shown incredible strength to end your affair. Many want for it, but simply do not have the courage to believe that life in fact can & does go on once they end their affair.

It has been said so many times before - that the emotional affair will ALWAYS continue once we cross those lines, and that a PA most likely will resume as well.

I have been there, done that.

And you know, YOU KNOW that you must delete that account if you stand ANY chance at ending this affair. I am sorry, you are in NO position yet to assume you won't end up right back in that affair again - you are STILL waiting for him to approve of this ending and are looking for closure from the other half of the worst decisions YOU EVER MADE.

Darn right he put himself and his wife first. Yes you, like me, were being used - but we were using them too. Just like your post says, you wanted the sex you weren't getting at home ... what if the pleasure HAD outweighed the pain? Would you be here really wanting to end this affair? Or is it just because YOU were no longer getting your needs met by stealing from another's life.

I know these are tough questions - but you have been lurking and have been here before. YOU are not new to ending.

I know that you're hurting. ENDING hurts, but NO WHERE near the pain of being inside an affair. Please dig deep to find the courage to delete that stupid email account. You are either committed to ending your affair or not, you tried it your way last time, and look where it got you. HERE. Why don't you employ try NC this time and see where it gets you?

Remember that what he thinks/feels/wants is of absolute NO CONSEQUENCE TO YOU NOW. You are not defined by the degree to which he does or does not care that this affair is over.

I hope you'll do what's in your best interest. We are all here to support you, but please stop this madness by completely blocking him and walking away.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2007
Wow! My R with my xAP was just the same. Drama all the time. Sex was much less often. Constant unloading about the wife. He "cared alot" about me too. I bust my butt to make him happy and he never was. Anyway, I got my "goodbye closure". We met in person and I broke it off. It was awful. He wanted me to wait. For what I have no idea. He said "you know I love you" . It was way too late. I was a total mess and slowly dying inside and he wanted me to wait. Another week, then 30 days. HL, I WISH I had just sent him a frickin email. The end result was the same... it was over. The In person thing just took about a week longer and way more tears. I was in total agony knowing "this was the last time" 2 days later...no wait ... THIS is the last time. lol!

A goodbye email is the cleanest break you can get. You've already had "the last times" which puts you ahead of the game. Trust me. Our in person goodbye and last phone calls stlll haunt me.

Delete that account and Run! Run like the wind!
;)
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
HurtLady, sending you a warm hug to welcome you to EAS.

Let's think through five scenarios here:
1) he never, ever replies even though you go back time and again hoping for a response.
2) he writes back full of anger and bitterness telling you what a bit@h you are and how he was just using you all along
3) he writes back full of sweetness and kindness asking you to please, please be friends
4) he writes back full of love and passion offering you as much sex and romance and attention as you want (at least until the A is discovered and destroys everything you hold dear)
5) you take control of your life, reclaim your dignity and self-respect, delete that email account, and BLOCK and WALK

Follow each of these scenarios through to it's logical ending and hopefully your decision will become clearer. :)

Smiles and sunshine

Kat
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2010
Hi HurtLady
You lft the door open..... you are inviting a response... DONT DO THAT.... NC=No NewHurts
Dont allow him to hurt you again...everytime you check that account it will be a dagger in yr heart if there is no respond and if there is??? dont even go there

You said your goodbye.... WALK no RUN, bolt the door and keep running
NC xx

New Choices, New Chapter,


New Challenges,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-22-2009

HL,

We all understand the hurt and pain that accompanies the ending of an A. There is no point in prolonging that pain by keeping a door open. If you have been here before or have been reading throughout, then you know there is NO CLOSURE in affairs.

Be where you are; otherwise you will miss your life. ~ Buddha