Desperate now--need some help asap!
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Desperate now--need some help asap!
| Wed, 10-25-2006 - 3:33pm |
Hi, it's been awhile ladies. I've been very mixed and just haven't felt like posting lately. Now I am nearly gone. I am PG again. Almost 9 weeks. Found out at 4 weeks. So I haven't taken hardly any of my meds since then. At first all seemed OK. Now I am experiencing the most MASSIVE and UNCONTROLLABLE mood swings of my entire life. I just can't hold it together and I'm starting to cry all the time. Adding to it, I am being given many projects at work I can't handle or understand though I should (everyone ELSE can here) but I am afraid to tell anybody. I am having horrible all day nausea and gagging which is making everything much worse. We are not allowed to eat at our desks so I can't snack much. Social phobia keeps me from the breakroom. I am spotting just like the last time but no one at home, including DH wants to hear about it. They get really mad if I mention my fear of loosing this one and tell me what a negative, miserable B I am. My DH told my mom I am only happy when I'm miserable so my mom screamed and yelled at me about how right he was and how they are tired of it. So I can't tell my family about the spotting, or my moods because that makes them angry too. I can only tell my GYN if I start bleeding more heavily because there is basically nothing they can do at this point for spotting. If I tell my pdoc about this she'll just lecture me about how stupid I was to go off my meds. But they all cause fetal damage and I'm still not sure they didn't play a big role in my earlier miscarriage. I still feel like I murdered my first baby. I am feeling so bad both mentally and physically now I just want to crawl into a hole and never come out again. I just can't take much more. I don't really know what to do or where to turn now. I am feeling so lost and alone.
Jodie
Jodie

I am so so sorry.
I wish there was something I could do, or say.
((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))))
keep posting if it helps, we are here to listen, we won't yell at you.
God could not be everywhere, so he created mothers.
God could not be everywhere, so
i think you should talk to your pdoc & gyn as i know(& i'll often repeat)there are BP women who can be successfully treated throughout pg.
w/ my first i actually kept taking lithium(a real pg no no)& prozac & even smoking & drinking till my test turned positive.that baby is my smartest but that's not the point...other things came up during that pg..MEDICALLY..& the dr.s didn't hesitate to treat me w/ some heavy duty antibiotics & more.
there is a way to get thru pg even tho bipolar.knowing the dx is the best first step.you don;t have to feel this bad.
Jodie congratulations on your pregnancy. I wish I knew what to say about the meds and the spotting. I was untreated with all three of my pregnancies so I don't have much to offer except prayers for a healthy pregancy and delivery. I understand about the family being unsupportive. I live with my mother and she doesn't understand my cycles and when I cycle down like I am now I just stay to myself as much as I can. It's hard to do with 3 kids, but I try. Hang in there and keep us posted on how you're doing.
Traci
Jodie I'm so sorry! I'm in early pregnancy too and am weaning off my meds quickly. I know it's hard. So far I'm just slow and a little sad, nothing too bad. However, even that seems to annoy my family. Even my 4 year old tells me "don't make that face". 90% of the time I don't even know what face she means...of course she probably has Asperger's so maybe I'm not making one.
Anyway...Try to remember that the lack of medication is making everything feel worse than it is, right? Your family doesn't really think bad things about you. Your doctor understands in some good part about why you stopped your meds. You can ask for support. If your mom and DH are really giving you a hard time then bring them to your pdoc and have him explain the situation to them. If your mom is really yelling at you for being negative she needs some education about mental illness.
Finally, if you find you really can't cope, and the fact you can't figure out how to do your job is a sign you're heading that way (been there, so I'm not judging), then you shouldn't be afraid to start talking to your gyn and pdoc about alternate meds for pregnancy. Nothing is a 100% guarantee, but I've been reading a lot lately and some of them are a whole lot safer than a completely unmedicated pregnancy for a serverly bipolar person...kwim? (((HUgs)))...We can go through this misadventure together.
Mary
Jodie
Jodie
Jodie,
I think of you all the time...I am soooo glad you posted!
I'm sorry you are in such a bad place...and I'm even more sorry your mom isn't being supportive. But, that's why we are here...even though we can't do much, it really helps to have a place to come where people GET you.
You have to hang in there, sweetie...I know its hard, my god, its hard even with meds...but you can do it, and we are here to help see you through.
Keep posting.
Love and many many hugs...
Keli
I am sorry to hear about the lack of support you are getting. I am sure everyone has told you this already, but "YOU DIDN'T MURDER YOUR FIRST BABY". This from someone who has suffered through a stillbirth (@ 28 weeks, I think) from the other side of the fence and blamed himself for that....long story, but I beat myself up emotionally for years and thought DW blamed me also. I will say it was not violence on my part, just blamed myself.
Your pdoc should be able to suggest/list/lead you through your options for meds while pregnant. While alot are KNOWN to cause fetal damage, others just have the "caution" on there to CYA the drug maker if something is wrong with a baby sometime. Again, I would have thought you would get more support from H and family members if they know about your disorder. Not that I would know first hand, but have heard and figured out by watching, that pregnancy is full of mood swings and all that fun anyway and add that to bp and I can understand you having a hard time keeping it together. Also a pg AFTER a miscarriage/stillbirth is a nerve wracking experience male or female. When DW was pregnant with our now 8 yr old DD (after the stillbirth), I remember one afternoon DW called me at work and said she couldn't remember the last time she had felt the baby move and I couldn't either so DW called the OB/GYN and she cleared her schedule and had DW go in for an ultrasound. The GYN was the same one that DW had for the stillbirth so she was nervous also. Anyway, I was a mess until DW called and said everything was fine. My heart goes out to you.
That sucks about no eating at your workstation at work....one of DW pregnancies, the only way she could keep ANYTHING down was to nibble on Saltine crackers all day. If she tried eating only at mealtime it was too much and her stomach would reject it.
Good luck and can DEFINITELY relate to feeling like crawling in a hole and pulling it in after myself,
tk
I'm due on June 20 (maybe, that's by best guess, I hadn't been keeping track of "things"). It was kind of a shock. We had been trying for the last 3 years, and DH was still really interested in getting pregnant, but I didn't think I was fertile, my health wasn't great and I was feeling overwhelmed with the one we have. I was half expecting to hear perimenopause at this year's checkup and I'd given up. Then recently I was finally dx'd with bipolar after I started having some problematic psychotic symptoms and I just wanted to rest for awhile and deal with that. Pregnancy is scaring the *&%$ out of me.
I tried the cold turkey thing two weeks ago and it was a disaster. I spent most of last week in bed because the vertigo was so bad and the ER docs misdiagnosed me with labyrinthitis (some inner ear thing) and my neuro still won't call me back to advise me on the topamax that he originally perscribed for migraine prevention. I used it more for mood stabilization when I quit, but my psych won't say much about it because it wasn't his prescription. I hate all my doctors right now and my DH is pissed at me because I hung up on a couple of them when they called to tell me they couldn't do anything to help. He's afraid I'll get the reputation of being a (and this is a literal quote) "whack job" with the doctors in town. Seriously, who cares? Not me. I'm a freaking consumer after all and they should be kissing my ass when they screw up that bad. pdoc thinks its a sign I'm getting a little manic when I say things like that to him. I don't care about that either right now. On the upside I'm not throwing up yet and "a little manic" is a little break from really frickin' depressed. I know I'll regret saying that in a couple days. LOL
And having a child during this isn't so hard yet. It's just scary. I know what I'm likely to be like on no medication, pregnant and stressed, (um, my last pregnancy...) and I have to be able to be a good mom. Failing at that is going to kill me. Right now, my big goal is just to make it to Nov. 22 without asking for more meds. That's supposedly the end of the most dangerous period for the fetus according to some online calculator and gives me a working goal. I'm down to only 25mg of topamax and 37.5 of Effexor (had to restart low doses so I could function at all last week) and hope to stop that by Monday. Then I just need to get to Nov. 22. If I get that far without incident (sure, no problem) I'll aim for 16 weeks which is the most conservative end for the first trimester that I've seen. One step at a time.
Mary
WHILE I WAS PG(DELIVERED IN MAY) BABY GIRL. I TOOK THE NEW BP MEDICINE "ZYPREXA"
YOU COULD MAYBE HAVE YOUR DOCTOR LOOK INTO THAT. THAT WAY YOU WOULD FEEL BETTER.
SHELILA