Not new here but I am a lurker

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Not new here but I am a lurker
6
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 6:06pm
I am not new here. I lurk on this board. I have social anxiety. I have been diagnosed with Bipolar II disorder with a side of OCD thrown in for good measure. I just want to say that it makes me feel a little bit better to know that there are people who are also going through these things, feelings, etc. Sometimes I just feel like I am going crazy or that I am making this all up (for what reason I dont know). I havent gone to work in 2 weeks (I am deep in depression right now) and it makes me feel guilty, however, this was recomended by my gen doc and my new pdoc as well. I keep hoping they will extend it because I dont feel like going. I do have the time off (thank god for government jobs) but I feel like I am letting everyone down. My mom, my sister, my bf, my work and it is so hard to tell anyone how I am feeling or have felt because they have never been there, done that. They dont have much to say when i tell them I honestly wish I was dead (if i could figure out a way to kill myself that I wouldnt fail at and my mom was dead then I would do it) and they tend to take it personally (I didnt tell work about this whole killing myself thing). I finally got up the nerve to find a pdoc and go see her this week, in part because of the people on this board. For the past 6 years I have gone without and tried denying everything and usually getting a/d meds from gen doc that just werent working. Now my new pdoc has prescribed some new meds and it looks like I might be in for a hard road. I just wanted to to tell everyone thank you and you dont know how much help you have been to this lurker.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Wed, 10-25-2006 - 10:12pm

Welcome out of lurkdome Alexxia. I can relate to the wishing you were dead. I've been in a reallly bad place laately but I don't have the leave saved up so I'm forced to work. I love my kids and don't want to leave them, but I need an outlet for the pain so I do understand. Post as often as you need. We look forward to getting to know you.


Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 8:38am

Welcome, we are so glad you decided to de-lurk !!!!


I'm so glad you are now seeing a pdoc and getting meds.

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 12:11pm

Girlfriend...I could have written this very post!!! You probably know all about my ups and downs, if you've lurked here a while.

I'm so glad you saw a pdoc. Did you get any meds?

I hope you'll stick around and pop out more often!

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 12:12pm

Welcome "alexxia", glad to see you are getting treatment and not a/d drugs. A/d drugs bad for bp, like you don't already know that. Went through the a/d drugs myself, my poison of prescription was Zoloft. Also, don't try the herbal St. John's Wart (sp?), it acts the same as Zoloft....not fun, is all I have to say. Relieves the depression quickly, but then the dark moods it put me in, didn't want to kill myself, just everyone else.

Not sure what to say myself when someone says they want to kill themselves....I remember having times when I thought everyone would be better off without me, but through the years have had people tell me how I made THEM feel better and got THEM through a rough time. So what I wind up telling people is that there are more people out there that care about you than you realize when you are feeling this down.

We get judged enough by the rest of the world....no need to do the same to each other.

Hang in there and keep us posted,
tk

P.S. Forgot to say, the OCD might mitigate some if not all the way if the bp is stabalized. May not, but something to keep in mind.




Edited 10/26/2006 12:14 pm ET by txknight
Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 2:04pm

Hi Keli!

I dont know how you are handling work right now but I am proud of you, even if work is piling up. Sure Happy Its Thursday. Then Friday, and then the weekend and hopefully some peace and quiet.

The pdoc gave me Seroquel and Lamictal. The Seroquel, is what helped me sleep last night and about 0.5 mg of Xanex. I am not sure if I can continue the Seroquel if it is going to continue to make me a little zombieish in the morning. Right now I welcome zombieism over the everything else. Its a nice little break in the morning of not thinking at all, which I can afford to do right now. I am also on all of the old stuff I was on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 10-26-2006 - 2:26pm

I LOVE Seroquel for that very reason, but also hate it too. It helps me sleep, and takes my mind to a peaceful kind of numbness. I just can't take the grogginess/zombie-like feeling you get the next morning. I just came off it, and I miss it very much.

You hang in there...you need the rest, in order for your mind to begin to heal. It will get better!

Love and Hugs,

Keli