I need some perspective on this...
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| Fri, 10-27-2006 - 1:03pm |
So, I'm pregnant and off medication and moody and highly distractable and just plain scattered. While weighing whether to take medication during the pregnancy or not DH was vehemently against me taking anything. He's really concerned about the effects of the medications on the baby. I explained to him that this time would be worse than the last pregnancy (which he still considers himself a candidate for sainthood for getting through), because my starting point is worse. However, he said he was more than capable of handling it, an could take up all the slack..."don't worry about that".
Well, 2 weeks have passed. Week one I was in bed and we were in crisis mode over withdrawal stuff so it really doesn't count. Week two I've been off balance. No kidding right? Nothing bad, but I'm a little sick. I'm moody, stressed out, irritable and having trouble focusing on things. Stuff around the house is left undone, and by late evening I'm physically and emotionally spent.
So, last night, after a long day with lots of important things to do (parent teacher meeting, insurance fair, dealing with workmen coming to the house, taking care of my special needs daughter...) I kind of lost my ability to cope. My daughter was overtired and cranky and not listening or cooperating. My husband was late getting home for the 4th straight night. I was nauseous and exhausted. When my husband got home I had to let him deal with our daughter by himself for awhile because I couldn't do it anymore.
Then...and this is what I need perspective on....my husband has this little tantrum and leaves the house for an hour to "be by himself". Then he makes a big deal of cleaning the kitchen (that I hadn't gotten to) and when that's done puts his headphones on and ignores us while I get my daughter to finish dinner and get ready for bed. Then for the rest of the evening (and night) my daughter had repeated problems that required parental intervention and he didn't offer to help once. Then he tells me this morning that he's really tired and I have to let him sleep in this weekend.
I'm starting to feel like we need to reopen the discussion of medication during pregnancy. I don't know what's going on with him, and I'm not sure I care. I'm really really overwhelmed here and trying really really hard to hold it all together until at least the end of the first trimester. However, I'm not sure I can if I'm taking care of me, our daughter and him. I just can't spend that much energy anticipating his needs and desires. I know he wants an immaculate house, and I've always been an inadequate housekeeper to him. However, I'm a trained artist and physicist, not a trained Merry Maid. I know it pissed him off that I found 20 minutes to cut out the pieces of a pattern for a Halloween costume, but didn't reload the diswasher before dinner. So the *&^% what? Is that worth making me nuts?
Mary

girl...the mood i'm in today, i probably wouldn't have the best advise right now.
God could not be everywhere, so
Mary,
I would definitely consider going back on meds. However, the best possible thing would be to wait until the first trimester is over. That's when all the organs are developing. I do have a friend who's BP, and she took meds during her pregnancy, and the baby is perfectly healthy. With all you're going through..I would go on meds, but that's just me. I can't imagine NOT having them. Good luck on your decision, and tell your husband you need rest too!!
Hugs,
Renee
I would say it is definitely worth re-opening the discussion about meds. Anything I give you will be from my male perspective and having dealt with a severly depressed DW. I do know that I am bp and borderline OCD and while I would have close to an immaculate house if I lived by myself (which, by the way, I am VERY glad I do not), I DO NOT in anyway shape, form, or fashion expect DW to keep the house to my admittedly high standards....especially with kids and pets doing their best to create chaos.
I understand somewhat the frustration of feeling like I was having to do "all" the housework after coming home from work, but I would like to think I didn't make a big deal out of it at the time DW was pregnant or had little ones to watch. DW lurks these boards so maybe she will chime in here and let you know how well I did or didn't do. I (in my mind anyway) didn't feel as "put upon" while she was pregnant and when the kids were little. I have to admit that after both children were in school and things continued on the same I definitely started feeling resentment at having to do more housework. During the summer I think I understood that she was pretty busy all day and having a bp DS (who was undx'd for a long time) made things even more interesting, maybe not, my memory has some holes in it due to me going into a major depressive episode myself at that time. I wound up dealing with DS most of the time that I was home as I understood him better. Also DS learned very early what buttons to push on DW to get the response he wanted out of her which would require intervention.
IMHO, your H needs to and try and understand what you are going through. It is hard, though, and I am not sure what the rest of your relationship is like. There were things going on in DW's and my relationship at those times that made empathy VERY tough on BOTH our parts. Looking back I know my untreated bp made things worse at times because of the short fuse (I have NEVER been violent to my family, but lots of raised voices and a very heart felt primal scream a time or two), and dark moods, and just the whole bp symptoms.
I can only dream of what being a "normal" person in your H's shoes would be like, but I would like to think I would be a tad more understanding....even being bp, I think I did a decent job of helping DW through the pregnancies and the "morning" sickness (yeah right, all day at times) and just all the female fun of pregnancy. I have to confess to not being as understanding as the years rolled on though. As a male one should "pick up the slack" during a pregnancy IMHO.
A thought, you mentioned H has been late coming home 4 nights straight, several things could be going on here....1)He is being REALLY pounded at work and lots of stress with that and HAVING to work late to keep a boss happy (I am assuming he has one and is not self employed)OR....2)He is staying late at work because he doesn't really feel like coming home to what he knows is waiting for him, OR....1 and 2 are combined. Hard to say, just a thought from a males perspective.
Don't know if that was much help, good luck and definitely look into the meds. I know some of the meds have a pregnancy caution on them because there has been a PROVEN link between taking them and birth defects, others have the caution on them because NO research has been done (I know a scary prospect, I can understand one not wanting THEIR child being the guinea pig), and others have the caution just to CYA the manufacturer if a child is born with defects and someone is looking to hang blame somewhere. A good pdoc should know the difference and be able to direct you to which ones you can "safely" take.
Hang in there and come here and vent as needed,
tk
For what its worth I think you should re-open the discussion of meds too.
I mean being pregnant is hard enough as it is but then have to deal with the BP too and his complaints? There has to be something out there to help you out.
I am sorry that this is a tough time for you.
Oh, Mary!
I have to say my anger was rising just reading your message. Your husband is lucky he doesn't live with me, because I would have changed the locks while he was out getting his alone time!
There are so many things that can lead to birth defects, and when these issues occur doctors can rarely tell the parents precisely why their child has these problems. Women can do everything right and get a bad result, or everything wrong and have a perfectly healthy baby. I really think the meds decision needs to be between you and medical professionals. Your husband seems to lack the maturity to have a say in this - he shouldn't promise to do all of these things for you and drop the ball the first week! Women who have supportive partners endure less stress (which is poison to a baby, truly. Read "Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers" for a great, amusing primer on stress and hormones)
Your husband's behavior affects the health of the baby, too. It sounds like he has no problem asking you to make sacrifices for this baby - what is he willing to do? When I found out I was pregnant last year, I knew it would take a huge toll on my health. I seriously considered an abortion. The reason I went ahead with it, risks and all, was because my husband promised basically what yours did: that he would do everything and anything for me. And he did. I could not have made it through that pregnancy without him, and he knew I was going to seriously take him up on his offer for assistance. For 7 months I did next to nothing around the house.
I think meds or not your husband should pitch in extra, but if it's so important to him that you try to do this without meds, that will translate to more work for him, and he needs to step up and deliver.
Sorry to go on and on, I just really feel for you in this situation. Good luck whatever you decide!
Cari
THANK YOU....I really appreciate all of the replies, and all the insight. My husband is a good guy, but I don't think he understands what the issues involved here are. He's a serious "denial" kind of person and I think it gets in the way of really dealing with our lives in a constructive way. He drove me completely insane for the year between the first doctor to mention our daughter had some autistic traits and her placement in a special education classroom. Now, he's taking a strange approach to my mental illness. I think he truly believes I'm just in a bad mood a lot of the time and if I tried harder to be happier I would be and that would make me better at my "job".
He listens to Dr. Laura on the radio and although he says it's just for entertainment I think he really buys into some of her psychobabble nonsense. While I was trying to explain to him one night how badly I was feeling on some medication or other I told him that I don't want my medicine to make me feel "good" I want it to make me feel "normal". He then told me that one of the things that Dr. Laura says that he really believes is that if you act normal long enough you eventually feel normal. All I could do was stare at hime blankly. That seemed like such an absurd thing to say to me, and I was insulted because I suddenly realized that he didn't think I tried to be what was expected of me at all.
Anyway, I need to go finish making dinner. I did arrange for him to come in with me to talk with my pdoc next week so he can help me talk things through with DH and help him understand what's going on.
Mary
HEY MARY
I AM 42 AND JUST HAD A NEW BABY GIRL. I WAS ABLE TO TAKE THE NEW BP MEDICINE
ZYPREXA! MAYBE YOU COULD GET WITH YOUR DOCTOR AND TAKE THAT.
SHELIA