Can't think of an appropriate title...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Can't think of an appropriate title...
23
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:07pm

Ok, I have decided that this illness pretty much stinks (like no one has ever heard that before). I don't really know why I'm posting, I guess just to ramble. I just got back from the pdoc- he upped the Abilify to a whopping 10mg/night...wooo hooo (big freakin deal). I think a theraputic dose is 30-60mg and I don't go back for 4 weeks. I understand that he is taking it slow because of side effects, and I appreciate that. He is also going slow because I'm stupid and won't stop drinking. He of course asked why and I basically told him that "I just didn't give a sh*t" and drinking is just a slow death: an acceptable suicide. I am going to an addiction eval next week so I guess I'm making it look like I care. I refuse to go to AA meetings, as they are too much like a religion to me and one of my serious triggers right now is religion/priest abuse. He knows I'm depressed but won't increase the a/d until I get more mood stabilizer in me. Quite frankly, I'm not just depressed- I'm still experiencing rapid/mixed cycling, which he knows I'm sure. I've just about had enough of this stinkin illness and the meds. Self-medicating seems so much easier. Life in general seemed so much easier before meds: try this, stop taking this, try that...it's like it never ends. Walking away from it all is so much easier. I didn't feel this crappy before meds (or at least that's what it seems like). This all just blows. I am so running away from my emotions right now; I can't cope with it all so I've just shut down. I cry almost daily, yet 90% of the day I'm fine (or I convince myself that I am). Sorry, this is going nowhere...I guess I just don't care enough right now to keep trying. If I didn't wake up tomorrow, I wouldn't care, except for my kids. If it wasn't for them I'd be long gone by now. But working with kids every day, I know that they adjust and adapt (we had 2 parents at my school die last year and the kids do better than the adults). Life is too painful for me right now, yet at the same time I am exhilirated by it. Damn, I feel so messed up, yet so "I don't really care".

I'll shut up now...no need for replies, just talking I guess. I don't really have a clue, yet everything seems ok...it makes no sense at all to me...it's just the current state of mood I guess...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:39am

I know you don't care right now but I DO!! I hope something works and SOON.

Love, Kelli





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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 8:21am

I don't know if this will help, but I have a big issue with religion, just on the "gimme, gimme" aspect of it when one is in a "chapel" that had to cost several million and I'm struggling to put food on the table, keep a roof over our heads, and keep two cars running so I can get back and forth to work and DW can run the kids where they need to go. Anyway, I found a book/therapist who doesn't agree with "turning your problems over to a higher authority" and gives one ways to identify ways within oneself to stop addictions. I will get the title this evening and author if you are interested.

tk

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 8:28am

I hope you find a plan that will help you with your addiction and things that are troubling you. I wish I had something more to offer but I don't think it would be a plan you would agree to. Sometimes we have to find our own way. Many hugs. Hang in there.


Tina




     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 8:30am
While I'd like to believe there is a higher power, sometimes its just too hard to think that way....at any rate, I would also be interested in the book and look forward to you posting it.
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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 8:32am

not sure how much help I'll be....but I pretty much could have written most of you post along with you.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-10-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 9:26am
Hi TK's DW here. I think the book he was thinking about is "7 tools to beat additcion" by Stanton Peele. I hope things turn out well for you. While I don't have BP I do have/had major depression and live with two people with BP so I can feel for you.
Hugs
MC
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 11:23am

I completely empathize with you. The begining is so very hard and i had so little support. Thankfully I do have good pdoc. She has sent me to good psyche's who made me confront the reasons behind my flippant attuide toward almost everything. I know what it is to not care at all. That was my response to everything. I mean it got to the point where even my neices wouldnt ask me things cause they knew my anwser. I dont care. To be angry and crying at the same time. It totally blows.

It sounds like you have alot of issues(who here doesnt)you need to confront before you are willing to take an active role in your own care. Using alcohol to dull your emotions wont help and neither does pretending that your emotions dont exist. You can never run frim your emotions they will alway be there when you look in the mirror.When you look at your children. Always. Im speaking from personal experience here.

Im there with you on the AA. It works for some people i know but to me it always seemed to touchy feely and fake. As far as religon. I learned the difference between religion and God and believe me there is a BIG difference. Last time i looked He had a universe to live in and didnt need me to give him money you know. hahaha Im not even gonna get into how corrupt and not even comment on how far removed they are from GOD....but bygones....Continue on the path you started its gonna have massive boulders in the way and you may even need to sit down a while but dammit you gotta get up and keep going and eventually instead of seeing only the ground you will enjoy the sunrise. {{{BP INDUCED HUGS}}}}}}

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 12:44pm

I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time. I had a discussion with my pdoc right before I found out I was pregnant that went something like

Me: "Why do I feel crazier now than I did a year ago? I think it's the medicine. I'd like to stop all the medicine and see how I feel then."

Him: "You aren't crazier than you were a year ago. You've just learned to recognize the thing that are wrong, and you couldn't do that before."

Me: "Yeah, but I didn't think Ben Bernanke was out to get me a year ago."

Him: "Don't worry about it. Ben Bernanke isn't out to get you."

Then he went through a big long explaination about how I couldn't stop taking this medicine and that medicine, and why a needed to add yeat another new medicine. He was very very adamant that I could never just stop my medicine. The following morning I called to tell him I was pregnant and guess what he told me? Stop taking all your medicine right now.

Doctors suck sometimes.

However, I can't seem to figure out how I feel about not being on medication. I can't figure out if I like it better or not, and if I'm more in touch with my own feelings. Mainly though I'm really sick with early pregnancy stuff, so nothing matters beyond getting some sleep and not throwing up the latest meal.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 1:26pm

Hey there...I don't like AA/NA either...I had to do it on my own...the getting off my drug of choice...it was so very hard...but I did it, to save my own life...BP and drugs/alcohol are NOT a good mix...as you already know. It took me 8 times of going i/p to get it in my head!!!

I'm so much much better now. Still not perfect...but with BP, we never will be. This is our lot in life, and we have to accept it...as sucky as it TRULY is.

Please try to find something to hold on to.

We're so here for you, for whatever you need.

Your pdoc is going way too slowly, if you ask me...you need help NOW, not in 8 weeks.

Hang in there!

Love and Hugs,

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 4:52pm

Sweetie, we've all been there (and probably will be gain, if BP plays it's usual games), but it

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