Can't think of an appropriate title...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Can't think of an appropriate title...
23
Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:07pm

Ok, I have decided that this illness pretty much stinks (like no one has ever heard that before). I don't really know why I'm posting, I guess just to ramble. I just got back from the pdoc- he upped the Abilify to a whopping 10mg/night...wooo hooo (big freakin deal). I think a theraputic dose is 30-60mg and I don't go back for 4 weeks. I understand that he is taking it slow because of side effects, and I appreciate that. He is also going slow because I'm stupid and won't stop drinking. He of course asked why and I basically told him that "I just didn't give a sh*t" and drinking is just a slow death: an acceptable suicide. I am going to an addiction eval next week so I guess I'm making it look like I care. I refuse to go to AA meetings, as they are too much like a religion to me and one of my serious triggers right now is religion/priest abuse. He knows I'm depressed but won't increase the a/d until I get more mood stabilizer in me. Quite frankly, I'm not just depressed- I'm still experiencing rapid/mixed cycling, which he knows I'm sure. I've just about had enough of this stinkin illness and the meds. Self-medicating seems so much easier. Life in general seemed so much easier before meds: try this, stop taking this, try that...it's like it never ends. Walking away from it all is so much easier. I didn't feel this crappy before meds (or at least that's what it seems like). This all just blows. I am so running away from my emotions right now; I can't cope with it all so I've just shut down. I cry almost daily, yet 90% of the day I'm fine (or I convince myself that I am). Sorry, this is going nowhere...I guess I just don't care enough right now to keep trying. If I didn't wake up tomorrow, I wouldn't care, except for my kids. If it wasn't for them I'd be long gone by now. But working with kids every day, I know that they adjust and adapt (we had 2 parents at my school die last year and the kids do better than the adults). Life is too painful for me right now, yet at the same time I am exhilirated by it. Damn, I feel so messed up, yet so "I don't really care".

I'll shut up now...no need for replies, just talking I guess. I don't really have a clue, yet everything seems ok...it makes no sense at all to me...it's just the current state of mood I guess...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:33pm

Thanks Kelli, you've been a big help to me lately and I appreciate you always being there to listen!

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:44pm

Thanks, tk. I would like to know the title of that book. The whole higher power thing is my only hangup with AA other than attending a meeting and seeing someone I know (no one knows this problem other than dh). My partner at work attends AA and loves it, but since she knows my background with the church (priest abuse) she doesn't even suggest for me to go (she knows I drink but not how much).

I agree with you on the gimme, gimme aspect. There is nothing the enfuriates me more right now than the press on the priest abuse. The pope is even saying how horrible it is and that the victims need to be helped. Well, in my diocese, help means 20 visits of counselling, where they pay what your insurance doesn't. If you are not "fixed" in 20 visits, tough sh*t. You can't put a time limit on this. Hell, it took me at least half of my visits just to trust my tdoc! But, they are all lip service, they are trying to save face. If anyone knew the story of the priest I was molested by, it would make you sick (the cover-up that the church did knowing this guy was a pedifile).

Sorry, that got off on a major side track not related. Anyway, thank you for your support. I'm sure I will find a solution soon.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 6:53pm

Hi Tina,

Don't be afraid to offer me something, even if you think I would not agree: you never know. I know I will make it through this, I just slipped and need to get my footing. My tdoc is very supportive so I have her to fall back on. Pdoc has also turned out to be very supportive, even gave me a mini therapy session last night at my med check.

Thanks for your support.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:00pm

Hi Donna,

Sorry that you are in the same spot...it really sucks. I've been here before, but not with the drinking at the rate I am. Usually I can just walk away but with all that is going on in my personal life, the self-medication seems SO easy, even though I know it is wrong and is creating more problems and not allowing my meds to work the way they should, I'm sure.

My dh is around, but as much as he tries, he just doesn't understand. It's hard to explain depression and hypo/mania to people who never experienced it. They think it's just a thought, forget about it and all will be fine. Yep, that's why I have a cabinet full of drugs right now...

I know we are all survivors here and do our best on any given day. Today was a little better, although I still had a drink. I just refuse to see my drinking as a problem; to me it's moderate. But, I guess that's half the problem.

Thanks again. Hope you are feeling better soon, too.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:05pm

Hi MC,

Thanks for the book title, I'll be sure to look for it. I grew up with a bp adoptive father, my bio mother and gmother were both bp so this is not unfamiliar territory. Depression, in and of itself is hard to deal with. It sounds like you and tk have an understanding of eachother and are very supportive to eachother. I know the stress you are under (I know tk from another board) and it is a hard place to be.

Thanks for your reply and the title/author.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:14pm

irulane,

I do have a lot of issues that I have been dealing with in counselling for the past 18+ months. That is part of my problem LOL. I have finally learned to trust tdoc enough to share more with her and I've been able to finally feel some emotions that I have never felt before. Before, anger was the only emotion I had. A few weeks ago, I cried about my abuse for the first time. It's just all overwhelming and I'm making bad choices as to how I need to handle this. Tdoc and I both knew this time would come. It has been a fear of mine that one day all of this stuffed and pent up emotions would just come flooding out. I am nearing that point, and quite frankly I'm scared. That is why I resorted to old coping skills. They are not good, won't help in any way, but there is comfort in them. I also need to take this slower because until I get meds in me that we all know will work, if we push too much further in therapy I will end up i/p with a nervous breakdown trying to deal with all of these emotions.

I agree that there is a far cry from religion and God. I still pray every night, but that is all I can do right now. I haven't been able to set foot in the church for about 3 months now and I had been taking ds every week for over a year.

Anyway, thank you for your reply and support. It means a lot to know there are so many people here to listen and support me.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:17pm

Hi Mary,

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope that you're able to do well without meds. I totally understand where you are with needing sleep and hoping not to throw up your last meal! I was that way with my two kids.

Your pdoc sounds interesting LOL. Mine is ok, but I think he would be better if I allowed it (if that makes sense). I make his job harder than it needs to be.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:28pm

Keli,

I agree that I need something to hold on to. Every time I look at my kids, that's it. I appreciate all of the help and support I receive from the board members here.

Thank you,
Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2006
Tue, 10-31-2006 - 7:49pm

Hi Marci,

I am hoping that the elvaluator is able to help. Maybe it will be o/p counselling and not AA, who knows (although my insurance coverage for substance abuse is horrible and I will be out a lot of money). I'll survive, somehow. I know it gets better, it always does, I've been here before. It's just hard to remember when you are "in it".

Thanks for your reply and support.

Peg

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2005
Wed, 11-01-2006 - 7:33am

I totally get the overwhelming part. I had been keeping everything so pent up that i couldn't hold it anymore. Thats when i started drinking even more. I mean i even tried slit my wrist with a butter knife....I mean how stupid is that a butter knife of all things...lmao it was the only clean knife around. Talk about jacked up reasoning. I can laugh about it now.

What i did was for a week write down how much i drank everyday and.It gave me a black and white record of what i was actually drinking. You've gotten to one of the boulders in your path and its your decision to stop or continue. When you let all the toxic energy and emotions out i can't begin to tell you how refreshing it is. Not to be held captive by my own thoughts. And IMHO praying has always been better.

Its so great that you are confronting all this. You will be stronger than you are now. Please keep us all updated...Much love and hugs