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| Mon, 10-30-2006 - 7:07pm |
Ok, I have decided that this illness pretty much stinks (like no one has ever heard that before). I don't really know why I'm posting, I guess just to ramble. I just got back from the pdoc- he upped the Abilify to a whopping 10mg/night...wooo hooo (big freakin deal). I think a theraputic dose is 30-60mg and I don't go back for 4 weeks. I understand that he is taking it slow because of side effects, and I appreciate that. He is also going slow because I'm stupid and won't stop drinking. He of course asked why and I basically told him that "I just didn't give a sh*t" and drinking is just a slow death: an acceptable suicide. I am going to an addiction eval next week so I guess I'm making it look like I care. I refuse to go to AA meetings, as they are too much like a religion to me and one of my serious triggers right now is religion/priest abuse. He knows I'm depressed but won't increase the a/d until I get more mood stabilizer in me. Quite frankly, I'm not just depressed- I'm still experiencing rapid/mixed cycling, which he knows I'm sure. I've just about had enough of this stinkin illness and the meds. Self-medicating seems so much easier. Life in general seemed so much easier before meds: try this, stop taking this, try that...it's like it never ends. Walking away from it all is so much easier. I didn't feel this crappy before meds (or at least that's what it seems like). This all just blows. I am so running away from my emotions right now; I can't cope with it all so I've just shut down. I cry almost daily, yet 90% of the day I'm fine (or I convince myself that I am). Sorry, this is going nowhere...I guess I just don't care enough right now to keep trying. If I didn't wake up tomorrow, I wouldn't care, except for my kids. If it wasn't for them I'd be long gone by now. But working with kids every day, I know that they adjust and adapt (we had 2 parents at my school die last year and the kids do better than the adults). Life is too painful for me right now, yet at the same time I am exhilirated by it. Damn, I feel so messed up, yet so "I don't really care".
I'll shut up now...no need for replies, just talking I guess. I don't really have a clue, yet everything seems ok...it makes no sense at all to me...it's just the current state of mood I guess...

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Well I know you said no need for replys. But listen to me about the
dying and kids doing better than the parents. I lost my Mother at 10,
and I really believe thats what helped triger all of my manic,bp,
personality disorder, mood cycling,depression, I HAVE SEEN A PDOC
OFF AND ON SINCE SHE DIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!So, try and
pull it together, It will get better, it always does somehow for me it does.
I'm 42, got three beautiful girls, Tera 20, Taylor 15 and little
Audree 5months, yes 5 months! She saved my life, I mean they all did
but she came along at a time I wasn't sure if I was going to make it, Like
you drinking and misc... all the time. along with medications from pdoc,
just didn't care if I woke up, well know I'm glad to wake up not only
for the baby, but the older two girls deserve to have a mother also. If I can
help let me know.
Shelia
That makes more sense than you know. It seems like bp is one of the LEAST understood of the mental disorders and SO many pdocs don't know how to treat/deal with bp. The BIG issue I have with most pdocs is your appointment is 15 min....how are you doing, good, lets keep/increase/decrease meds, here's you new px, see ya in 4 weeks....they don't take the time to find out ANYTHING about you or what is going on. Sorry, little rant there.
Also, that is part of the "joys" of bp, we tend to get full of ourselves or so down in the dumps that we self medicate or dump meds or SOMETHING to feel better or because we just know what we need to do. LOL.
tk
Yeah....self medicate or dump the meds. That's a such a normal cycle for me. I think twice this year I happened to end up at my pdoc's on a day when I was feeling good and didn't think I needed to get rid of the medicine yet. He got to be all happy and successful twice in a year.
Last week in I was there and some topic came up that I didn't feel like talking to him about and I just said "oh it's complicated". He got this shocked look on his face and said "You do know that I'm the one you pay to talk to about complicated situations, right?" I thought about it for a minute and realized that I'd never really thought about it that way. And I realized I was probably trying to manipulate him into thinking I was fine all the time except when I knew I need more meds. I guess I don't really understand why I pay him.
Mary
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