Sad today

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sad today
4
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 1:00pm

Do you all ever get that feeling that depression is coming on - it hasn't hit you yet, but you feel like you are trying to fight it off like a flu virus or something? And for a while, you think you're winning, and then *bam* the depression hits and you realize you've actually lost, again?

I don't know if I'm bipolar, but I do recognize depression, and it's here. I had a blow out with my husband last night over a bottle of wine. Please don't tell me how difficult it is for a spouse to live with someone with mental illness, trust me, my husband can be an intolerable person to live with, and I'm sure he could be diagnosed with a mental illness or two (narcissism, anyone?). If you like human interaction of any kind, good luck to you if you try to live with this man! Example: many years ago, I was so depressed and suicidal that he came home from his typical 10 hour workday to find me lying on the floor crying. He asked what was wrong. I forget what I said - just answered the question as well as I could - and he actually stepped over me while saying "Well, I better go do the dishes." (The dishes are rarely on the top of his to-do list, but his conversation phobia is legendary.)

He has picked the most bizarre times to take a stand and throw a tantrum. When I was expecting my first child he got really angry at me for saying, in an unemotional tone, "I'm sick." He started arguing that I wasn't sick, I was pregnant, and my word choice proved that I wasn't excited about the baby. At that point I wanted to reach into my back pocket and pull out divorce papers. He told me on several occasions that he knew I wouldn't kill myself because I talked about it, and people who talk about never do it because he knew this guy in college who talked about it all the time and just wanted attention. My answer to that has been "So, the only way to prove you wrong is to kill myself?"

Anyhow, I am not suicidal. I think about it all the time, but I think that is just a reflex from so many years of depression.

My kids are both sick, nothing serious but it makes everything harder. I, of course, am in end stage renal failure and wonder how much longer I have left. My husband has told me that medically I always jump to the worst-possible conclusion. This is pure fiction, and I wonder how he could get my personality so wrong. I have real medical problems and deeply, DEEPLY resent the implication that this is all histrionics. He said he didn't mean it that way, but gave no plausible clarification as to what he did mean, and the damage has been done.

We went to the lawyer yesterday to begin our will and living trust. That wasn't sad, but you can't just not think about death when you have to plan for every eventuality. Also, I have been so close to divorcing my husband, but the legal technicalities of the trust make it much harder to get anything but a 50/50 split of assets in a divorce. I want him to sign a paper saying he will give me the money I put into this marraige back if we divorce. Otherwise, I can't go through with the trust.

Sometimes I wonder what our problem is - we don't have any affairs or major lies to overcome. There is a tremendous lack of trust, though, from statements like those above. How do you talk to someone who has made it clear that he views you as an attention-seeking malingerer? And why would you want to?

Take care, thanks for your time,
Cari

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
In reply to: cariad11
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 2:38pm

What

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
In reply to: cariad11
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 3:02pm
Hi Cari - that is all very sad. I'm sure your children feel these things too, they always seem to get the parental vibe. Unfortunately, you cannot change people. If he has always been like this, then he will always be this way. Especially if you can't even have a conversation about attempting to improve things. I can't imagine someone being so cold to their wife, but I have been lucky in that way.
I am sorry to hear about your kidneys - I assume you are on a transplant list. Many P&PT's your way.
Pug hugs, Kelli





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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: cariad11
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 4:57pm

Hi Tina,

It's great to hear from you. I didn't say it before, but CONGRATULATIONS on acing that test. You always sound so smart in your posts, so I knew you had it in you. : )

Thank you so much for your reply. I have to say that your kidney problems sound PLENTY serious to me, but I am glad that you consider yourself blessed. And you're right, there are loads of problems in this world that I feel lucky I don't have.

The doctors are tough for me to figure out, and there are 3 different facilities that I deal with: my gp, my nephrologist and the transplant hospital. Love my gp, but this is not his specialty and the closer I get to total renal failure, the more nervous he gets about me going to him for help. My nephrologist really doesn't care - it's just another day at work to him. I know that sounds like a depressed person thinking everyone is against her, but it really is my impression, and I am OK with it. He told me to get labs in another 2 months and see him in 6 months. He knows I'm leaving the state in 3 months, so the message was pretty clear.

The transplant hospital was awful last time I saw them (3 weeks ago). A very bossy resident came in (had I been thinking more clearly I would have told her to go away and send in the real doctor) and then I got my least favorite doctor. He told me that when the kidney starts to fail, blood pressure rises because it makes it easier for the kidney to function. My blood pressure was 160/100. He said I needed to bring it down, but not too far because then the kidney will go that much faster. He offered me norvasc and told me I could take that, or have a stroke. I have no idea why he made such a glib comment, like having a stroke was an option worth considering. I wasn't being argumentative. I had asked him what to do about the blood pressure. This doctor was just full of statistics, and told me that my first transplant lasted an unbelieveable length of time, and that the next one will probably last no more than 13 years. I will be in my 40s by then.

I took my norvasc today and my blood pressure is still really high. I am having little weird feelings around my heart, and don't know if I should go to urgent care or take another norvasc or just ignore it. That's the thing about being sick, you make one mistake and go in when you don't really need to and they treat you like a huge waste of time.

Tina, you are so right about not being our own best cheerleaders. I have always found that next to impossible. I have said as much to my husband, that I can't see any good in myself sometimes. I find it next to impossible to ask for help or have any attention focused on me, so it especially bothers me that my husband thinks that all I do is dream up ways to get attention from sickness. I would welcome attention for achievement, but attention for being the sickest I could do without. I used to be my husband's biggest cheerleader, but have felt for years that I am in this relationship alone, so I don't bother anymore. He has noticed the change.

I don't really interact with my friends much anymore. The thing about illness is it can be very isolating, and when I become fixated on it I don't feel I have much to say to them that they can relate to. I haven't told most of them about my history - where do you begin? It was easier for me to just drift out of their lives. I am estranged from my family, and I truly prefer it that way. I do have one person that I talked to recently about this, but I am not good enough friends with her to say "I'm scared I'm going to die." I don't even like saying that in my own head.

My husband apologized for his behavior last night, but I just don't care. Perhaps that's cold of me, but I am sick of his apologies that never lead to any change.

It does help that I come here and everyone is so welcoming. You are very supportive, and your post made me tear up because it was exactly what I wanted to hear! Thank you!!!

Cari

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
In reply to: cariad11
Thu, 11-02-2006 - 5:12pm

Thank you, Kelli!

I'm sure you're right. I have often asked my husband why he even wanted to be married, how he can get so wrapped up in the problems of his family or friends and then ignore me. I suspect I'll never get a good answer to that. When we were dating, he was very concerned and willing to talk, even grabbed my hand on one of our first dates and said he'd never been able to talk to anyone as easily as me. He cried about his dad on an early date, too - his father who had died 6 years earlier. I am not a stickler for rules like "don't cry on the first date" - I was willing to go with it because it was real emotion - but now I feel like perhaps this set things up as I would be the free therapist and he could work through his issues. I don't know. Perhaps I'm overanalyzing!

I am not listed because I have been telling everyone that I have a live donor - my husband. I wrestle with myself about whether I can even accept a kidney from him, though. To get listed I would have to have a GFR (creatinine clearance) of 20 or less. I am at 22. Normal is 80-120 depending on weight.

Probably more than you wanted to know, but that's the short explanation!

Thanks for your support,
Cari