Angry, helpless and very depressed

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Angry, helpless and very depressed
5
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 4:24pm

All I want is my dd to be happy and healthy. She moved in with her dad when my mom died, August 2005.

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 5:21pm

Dearest Tina,
You are not a "worthless excuse for a mom". Stop that kind of talk right now, young lady!!

You care, and your love and concern for your daughter come through clearly in your message. I am so sorry about this unbelievably frustrating situation you are in, but it is not a reflection on how good a mother you are. Money does not make a person a good or bad mom.

It makes me very sad to think of your daughter feeling unwelcome. Does her dad care about his relationship with her at all? It sounds like all he cares about is avoiding paying child support. How ironic that he thinks he should teach her responsibility by making her pay for a car, when he had a child and didn't pay toward her! Getting a lesson on responsibility from a 'deadbeat dad' is rather like getting a lecture on ethics from a Nazi. Pretty hard to take either seriously.

I think you are right to refuse to get into a debate with him. It is nearly impossible to force an adult to do much of anything, and I would hate to see you give him the satisfaction of seeing you riled. I can certainly understand your fury, though!

I don't know a lot about your daughter's situation, but I would say that she really should reconsider leaving that house. No one needs to feel ignored and minimized - these are the type of feelings that can lead to a lifetime of depressions and unhealthy plays for attention. (Ask me how I know!) Yes, it sounds like there is no ideal situation for her right now, but would she consider the choices? Could one of her friends help her out, give her a place to live until she gets a job and can start paying rent? Is an hour away really such a big deal that she would rather live with someone who is just using her to duck his financial obligations? Any other options you can suggest to her?

I would bet that your daughter is very happy that you kept her. I know how difficult financial struggles can be, but knowing you have a mom who would do anything for you can go a long way toward alleviating stress. Talk to her, maybe there are non-financial things you could do for her that would help a lot.

I am sorry you are going through this and I wish I could help!

Hugs,
Cari

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 7:55pm

Tina,

I'm really sorry you're suffering over this. It has to be really hard watching your child in a situation where she's unhappy. I struggle over this everytime my 4 year old has a bad day a preschool. She doesn't understand socialization very well and just doesn't get what's going on with kids she wants to be friends with. I keep wanting to go in and collect phone numbers and yell at all the parents. I do sometimes go in and give her teachers a hard time.

However, what we both have to remember is that we can't solve everything for our children, and that's alright. They do need to learn to stand on their own to some extent and they do need to learn to take responsibility for themselves to the extent they are able.

I know your daughter is feeling overwhelmed and you want to fix everything for her and it's killing you that you can't. However, you are doing more damage to yourself by beating yourself up than your daughter is suffering over the car. And she would be worse off later in life for having you be able to financially rescue her than not. She will be a better adult for struggling with this. Honestly, that's true even if you feel differently now.

The best think you can do for your daughter at this point is to try to find a way to have open communications with her dad. He has reasons for what he's doing, and more than likely it isn't just flat out sadism. He probably sees something in your daughter that you don't that he wants to help educate. If you call with an agenda (to get him to pay for that car) he probably won't be open to having adult conversations with you either.

(((Hugs))) Please don't beat yourself up over this. Your daughter will survive and prosper. Don't make yourself sick because you aren't a rich mom that can solve any problem on a whim. Those moms don't grow good kids (I dated a few, trust me).

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
Sun, 11-05-2006 - 9:27pm

(((((((((((Tina))))))))))) sweetie, you are a good mother and don't think for a second that you're not. You have made the best choices you were able to make at the times that you made them. As you know I have 3 kids and they live with me and I am the epitome of poor. We all live with my mother and I can't get them stuff they want, but what I can and do give them is my love and while it's not material they are happy with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 5:42am

You made the choice to help her the best you can . I my self have a lot of issues with my self for being a 'bad' mom but you did what was best love her be there for her & that will be all that matter's. Your a great mom for doing what you have for her it is not your fault he's a jerk. I was lucky my DD's dad is the best I could ever ask for. But I want you to know I think your doing the best you can & as long as your there for that time together that is what counts the most.

HUGS

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Mon, 11-06-2006 - 11:14am

Where to start....First off I will echo what everyone else here said....YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOM. We ALL get frustrated because these little bundles of joy don't come with an instruction manual....we do the best we can. It is evident you love your DD very much and I am sure she can feel that and knows that....it is the one thing you can give her money or no money and will mean the most in the long run.

I was raised pretty strict myself....we lived in a nice house in the nice part of town most of my life, but we didn't have everything handed to us on a silver platter. Their was six of us kids and we wore hand me downs and Goodwill clothes, but we never did without the important things, our parents love, food on the table and a roof over out heads. I felt out of place because all the kids that lived in the same area had cars at 14, Izod shirts, Ralph Lauren jeans, etc. I came to realize though, that when I bought my car, myself, my parents couldn't take it away because I broke curfew or got a ticket. I had to pay the tickets, but if I needed help my parents would help out with gas etc. They also helped out with repairs, but I knew how much those cost....they made sure I knew about that....and also made sure I knew that when I got a good enough paying job I would be responsible for those repairs. So in some respects I see what DD's father is trying to do, but there IS a middle ground and he is NOT trying to find it. I understand the no car, no job, no job, no car delimma. I have had that struggle myself even as an adult.

My DS just turned 16 and is bugging us about a car also, but he doesn't need a job yet and his grades are so poor right now I wouldn't want him to have either a car or a job. I also have told him he can have a car when he can afford one....part of this is driven by the fact that that boy won't save a penny for anything. From a VERY young age he would go into a store and buy what he could afford AT THAT TIME rather than saving up and getting what he really wanted. Not trying to say your DD is the same, but that is why I am beeing a little tough on MY DS.

I feel for you though, knowing your DD's father is just trying to duck his responsibilities by having her stay with him. The making her pay for clothes, etc. is going a little overboard though. She is "only" 17 for crying out loud. Like someone else mentioned though, there may be stuff going on there you don't know about....Also you may be getting an edited version of what is going on, edited by your DD to paint herself in the best light....don't know, just throwing out ideas. It does sound like your DD's father is being unreasonable however.

To wrap up, just love your DD with all your heart and know it will be appreciated. Give her a shoulder to cry on and like some one else mentioned, explore the options with her tomorrow when you are with her. She may WANT to come stay with you....ask, you might be surprised by the answer. If not, maybe a friend can help out, whatever....there are always options, it is a case of finding one that works for your DD.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}
tk

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