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| Mon, 11-06-2006 - 9:06am |
Thanks to everyone who responded to my other post about this situation. I needed that support.
DD's dad called more last night to tell me his side of the story. I understand some what of where he is coming from. But he is trying to punish her for quiting school. Ok, she's been punished for over a year now about the issue. It's time to move on I told him. Nothing will change the past and that he needs to set a new plan and goal in action. I gave him my opinion of what I would do. He seen my point but I don't know what impact it had. He had me on the phone for an hour. I couldn't get him to stop going on and on. He said he doesn't want to see my dd get pregnant. Well, my opinion he is pushing her into that, but not giving her a little help to be independent. She will start to figure her parents can't take care of her needs, so having

I'm glad that you two were able to talk.....and I have found that even tho our xh's do have new dw's, its not the same as talking with the mom !!!
I can't give too much advise, my dd and her dad aren't even speaking right now.
God could not be everywhere, so
I am glad we communicated too. I would rather him talk to me about dd than his wife.
He got around the money he owed me. When dd first moved in with him in 2001 I gave him custody...BIG mostake but that is when I wasn't being treated for bp and I was a complete basket case. I just got out of i/p and thought it was best at the time...talk about regrets. So, when she came back to live with me it never got changed. I went through the child support system to have it changed and I filled papers out at the court and nothing was done, but that is how it is in Baltimore Maryland...it takes forever. I was trying to get money he owed me for her living with me, when she came back. Well he mailed in the custody papers to child support and he didn't have to pay me anyway. So, I was misguided by child support. One person told me one thing and it turned out to be in his favor. I am not intitled to the money as far as child support and the courts are concerned.
I am sorry about your dd's dad. These men have no clue what they are doing to their own dd's. There are good fathers out there. I wish my dd had one of them.
Yes, this depression is bad. The Adderall is helping some but it is making me irritable. Billy and I got into a fight last night about my dd. I was raising my voice because I was so angry and felt helpless and he took it as if I was yelling at him and he yelled back at me and made me feel like I wasn't allowed to express my feelings. I very very seldom get like that, but this was the straw that broke the camels back. I keep alot of my anger repressed because I don't want to get out of control like I used to so I talk myself out of feeling angry and keep it in.
Right now just isn't good for me. I am having a hard time.
I am going to pick up my dd today and we are going to my neices house. My sister will be there and I am cutting my sister's hair and coloring it for her. I am hoping having some time out of the house will help, even if for just a little while.
Tomorrow is mine and Billy's 5th anniversary. Sadly, it feels like just another day. We don't sleep in the same room and intamacy is out. I feel like we are room mates. I know he loves me and I love him too, but that in love feeling isn't there right now and hasn't been for a long time. I am confused. I am lonely too, but oh well. It is what it is, right?
Love you and thanks
Tina
~ Tina ~
Ahhhh....disregard most of my other post on the other thread then. Yes I can see the dropping out of school causing repercussions. DS and myself are having the same discussions right now. He hasn't come right out and said he wants to drop out and I am trying to make him see that in this day and age a high school diploma or a GED is a must. I have also told him that if he can't keep a job due to his own laziness, I won't support him. Again, not saying your DD is in the same position....it is alot easier to talk about MY situation, because I know ALL the background. That being said, I would like to think if he was making a good faith effort to gain his independence I would still help him out....especially after a year, but we will see. Good luck, hope the talk with DD's father helps.
I can REALLY relate to where you are with yours and Billy's anniversary....DW and myself had gotten to about the same state, we weren't sleeping in different rooms, but to ME it felt like we were more roomates than a couple (very little intimacy) and I felt the same way about several of our anmiversaries, just felt like another day. In fact, one of our anniverseries we BOTH forgot. I forget what was going on, but it was the middle of the day before DW suddenly says, do you know what today is....I thought and then I rememberd and said "Our anniverserary" and she said she had forgotten until just then too. We both laughed about it even then.
Hope you find something to lift you out of your depression soon, for your sake as well as for your relationship with Billy. It gets rough being the spouse of someone in a deep depression. It didn't help that I was the bp one in that relationship....a high sex drive causes havoc in that kind of situation.
Well, again, good luck with everything,
tk
I am not sure what is going to happen between dd and her dad with the car situation, but I am trying to tell myself there is nothing I can do about it. I wish
~ Tina ~
Yes, can relate to the teen years as well....didn't feel like I belonged anywhere....still don't some times. I try and help DS out as much as I can, yet at the same time he already has this "I am owed things because I exist" mentality and that enfuriates me no end. When I was struggling through school there WAS no dx for EOBP much less any "workarounds"....no IEP giving me less homework and help in school. Sorry, that's my rant....I have made it up untill 3 to 4 mo. ago without any meds and been able to hold down a job, been with my current employer 10 yrs, been able to stay in a relationship (not perfectly, but that is a story for another board and thread), etc. I understand there are different "levels" of bp and my son DOES have a "worse" condition than I did, but his attitude extends to EVERYTHING....like DW and myself OWE him something....like he should just sit on his duff and have everything HANDED to him. Sorry, after the way I was raised, I ain't gonna do that for him either, bp or no bp. When I say "the way I was raised", that is not in a bad way....I see it on other posts here, if I had talked back to my mom, I know it would not have been pretty, and FORGET my dad....I wouldn't have been able to sit down for a week. I was raised knowing I was expected to finish school, get out and find a job and become self supporting....in fact, by the time I graduated I couldn't WAIT to get out of the house and start living MY life instead of having it run by someone else (read my parents). Sorry, got off on my rant again.
As for the sex thing, I don't think it is the "woman" side of you, it is the human side of you. Also, I am willing to bet you are physical touch so YES you feel rejected. All I will say is, I have BTDT and it is NOT fun. One plus in my case was the mis-match was caused by DW's depresion and now that that is being treated and she is responding to the meds, that part of my life and relationship is WAYYY better (blushing), 'nuff said, before I get into TMI territory.
I am worried DS is going to reach 18 and decide he doesn't need the meds and the tdocs et. al. and yes I worry what is going to happen to him. At that point all I can do is hope I did my job right and stand back and watch. (shudder)
Hey you two,
I can empathize with trying to get a teenager to take meds and go to counseling, although my oldest is only 4.
However, I have been forced to take meds since I was 4 years old, and I can't stress enough that there is a right and wrong way to work through this delicate situation. Parents are often in the worst position to influence a child because it all deteriorates into power struggles, and the real issue is lost. That is what happened in my case. Although my case is considered a success, I can't help but wonder if I would be healthy right now if I had just taken my meds as prescribed.
I had a bad relationship with my parents due to abuse and extreme control freakishness on their part. The meds became a symbol of giving in to their control, and to some extent still are. I still have to wake myself up to the fact that 1) I am an adult 2) I haven't spoken to my parents in over a year 3) taking the meds is about wanting to live, it has nothing to do with letting my parents have their way. Unbelievable as it may sound to you, my husband can't even remind me to take my medicines because it is totally ingrained in me that this is a form of control. I wish it had occurred to me much earlier that reminding someone to take their medications is considered a sign of love, not tyranny.
For me, meds have come down to self-esteem and realizing that this isn't a fight with my parents anymore, it is a fight with a condition that could kill me. Bipolar may not be deadly in and of itself, but certainly the symptoms can and do drive people to hurt themselves. I can't say for sure what would have worked with me, but I wish my parents had not taken the attitude of "you have to take these because we say so" and instead tried "I hope you will choose to take these because we don't want you to suffer, or die early." My life might be different now, but who knows. I know my son is only 4, but I try to reinforce behaviors that I want to see more of, by telling him how cool he is when he does certain things, by telling him how much fun it is to be with him when he's in one of his many great moods, by letting him hear me tell other adults about the awesome things he's done. That may be too obvious (and embarrassing) for a teenager, but I think it's hard to give too many compliments at any age. Most people listen to compliments, and if they hear them enough, may actually start to believe them.
Sorry to go on so long, but if there's one thing I feel I know, it's what it's like to be on meds for life.
Good luck to both of you with your teenagers.
Take care,
Cari
It is true whether our kids have bp or not they need to listen and learn responsibility. Same for adults.
I am sure both your ds and my dd will learn responsibilty. We will make sure of it. I am not easy on my dd, yet I am loving. I tell her like it is up front.
That is awesome that your DW is being treated for her depression and things between the two of you are better. My relationship isn't bad. We have grown a lot over the past 5 years. We have had a few bad times but we have gotten through them. My brother died, his dad died and my mom died since we have been together. It has been some down times, but there has been alot of good and a lot of laughter along the way too.
I am extremely tired today...ugh
Tina
~ Tina ~
I know what you mean about taking meds all your life. I can't remember a time I wasn't on meds, from birth...ugh.
Unfortionately, I have suffered from mental illness since I was a young girl. I statred anti-depressants when I was 18. I started therapy when I was 12. I should be cured by now. My dd has seen how mental illness affects a person and she has seen how meds help. I talked with her and she understands they would be for her benefit. She chooses to not take meds or seek counseling. Hopefully her bp won't get too out of control. Usually it does and something bad happens to someone and then they get treatment, so that maybe what will happen to her. I will just have to be there when and if it happens.
I HATE taking meds. I am so sick of them. But you have to do what you have to do. I wish I could take one pill that treated everything. I take too many pills. I am sure that's the case with alot of us here.
How are you feeling?
Tina
~ Tina ~
It is tough trying to find the balance and the right thing to say to get DS to appreciate what the meds do for him without letting him fall into the thinking that there is a miracle pill out there that will make him "normal". I am not always the best at talking to him when things are calm (my fault)especially about the bp. For some reason I can talk/joke with him about sexual issues and teasing and stuff like that, but the bp just doesn't get talked about much until I get fed up with the way he is acting. Part of that is I think ingrained from my mother who to this day doesn't think we should talk about how DS acts, etc. in front of him. She doesn't want him feeling "different" or re-enforcing the bad behaviors by discussing them, or something like that. Doing the best I know how, that is all any of us can do.
I hear you cari on the power struggle thing. There were many things I turned to power struggles with the parents that didn't need too. I watch DS turn things into "fights" with mom and dad just to show us he can do what he wants sometimes. For example his homework....he will neglect doing it just because he thinks we are trying to "force" him to do it. GRRRRRR!!!!! Where is the owners manual on this thing?! Oh, I forgot, somebody forgot to print one, especially for bp kids.! LOL.
Well, keep in touch and we'll muddle through somehow, won't we,
tk