would appreciate relationship advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
would appreciate relationship advice
15
Wed, 11-08-2006 - 9:20pm

This isn't really bipolar related, but then again, everything is in some way.

I am struggling to figure out what to do about my husband. I am going to try to be as brief as possible as I have given some information about him in previous messages.

We have always had a rocky marriage, which is disappointing because the year we dated was the best in my life. I went into a terrible, suicidal depression shortly after the wedding, which I blame on a combination of moving to a place I detest (no longer there, luckily) leaving all my friends in my favorite city in the nation, having no job or meaningful distraction, my husband working ridiculously long hours, and of course my depression-prone personality and taking Lariam which has sent quite a few soldiers mad.

The depression lasted about a year. My husband has a communication problem, he doesn't talk. His friends don't seem to mind as most of them are deeply self-centered and happy to monologue to fill the silence. He doesn't seem to have this problem with his really close friends. I thought I was one of his closest friends, though, and I am still traumatized by his cavalier attitude toward me that year.

He has no social phobia that I can pinpoint, he actually does very well in novel social settings. I hear constantly from near-strangers who have only spoken to him once that he "sounds like such a nice guy" or similar. He's a foreigner, so I chalk some of it up to being dazzled by the accent, but he is obviously able to get people to warm up to him extremely quickly.

He's had bad luck in love. I was his first stable relationship, depending on how you define stable. He has been used by women a few times. I do not do that, so that was never an issue for me. I genuinely loved him.

So, why on earth did he proceed to ignore me for years. He never asked me about myself, and now when he does, it feels forced and I don't want to share. I am keeping so many secrets from him, nothing bad that I've done, just about my illness, fears, little things I've done in a day. I used to tell him everything, but then one day it dawned on me that he really isn't interested. I heard a line from a documentary once that stuck with me: "He has no curiousity about me."

We had a horrible fight last week. I hit him, something I haven't done in years. (Scold me about it later, please. I don't excuse it, and I know most people would be livid if he had hit me, which isn't fair.) This week he's in Mexico. He is supposed to come home at the end of next week, but I told him not to. He has nowhere else to go, so I'm sure he'll return whether I approve or not. Today he sent me a gift with a note saying he doesn't tell me he loves me enough. I just feel so dead inside over this. I have lost that feeling of trust, that I could tell him anything and he would be supportive. When I was at my worst, I got the message over and over from him that I was being a drama queen. And my husband has had plenty of his own drama queen moments, so I don't know why he felt so hostile toward my emotions.

I told him not to call when he was away, just use email. We have spoken twice, though, once when I called and once when he called, but it was just business-type talk about things we need to get done around here. At the end of the last call he asked if we could talk about our relationship over the phone some night this week. I screamed something about him having years to talk about our relationship, and I hung up.

Do I call to thank him for the gift? Do I call to tell him I've changed my mind and we can work on this relationship? Do I wait to see if he returns in a week? I guess I love him, but sometimes I think I hate him, too. I am so sick of that awful disappointment, that I will tell him something REALLY important and he will change the subject, have no response, fall asleep, say the wrong thing. And when he says the wrong thing, he pulls out all the stops.

Thanks for reading. If there are any aspiring Dear Abbys around, please let's hear from you.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Thu, 11-09-2006 - 8:45pm

Well Cari, I have all but decided to change schools, but the decision has yet to be definite. Currently, I am preparing an audition for the new school.

I just don't trust the music ed prof at U Buffalo. She seems to want to WHIP people into teaching shape, and her superior defends her in that. While I think that approach might be good for some students, I don't agree with it myself, and don't feel it is for me.

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 11:05am

Your welcome and glad I could help. Thank you also, as sometimes I am afraid I throw in too much personal and don't really answer the questions being asked.

>>>>>>I found out years after the fact that he had tried to help me (called a suicide line for advice) but since he never TOLD me he had done that, it didn't help at the time. I wish he had said something.<<<<
We men (for some odd reason) tend to do things like this....some of it has to do with the male interaction/ego deal. If we try to help a male friend and mention that we did it is not always apprecited....one tends to get the old "I can handle it myself" routine. Also if it backfires, one tends to lose friends that way....he's a meddler, can't trust him with my secrets. (It's a guy thing!)

>>>>>>>>>>>>To me, there are certain things people are supposed to do, so why should he get credit for, say, asking me what happened at my last doctor visit? I need to start seeing it as change, positive change, and change is so hard!<<<<<<<<<
Again I plead "It's a guy thing"....we don't ask each other how the visit to the doctor went or other mundane (well to the male mind mundane) stuff. Unless you say something, we just be-bop along fat, dumb, and happy and figure it was just another routine visit. (HA HA)....I know, because DW HAS come home and complained about what some male doctors do with that female examination tool (she used words like rough, and something about trying to make caves, that was enough info for me), what can a guy say to THAT....OUCH?!

Not to beat you up about it (enough here have mentioned it), but give the guy some credit....it does sound to me like he is making the effort. With some positive re-enforcement he may not feel like this>>Much later I will find out that he felt like he had blown it in some way and so it wasn't worth trying anymore.<<< To go along with that, he needs to know about the suspected bp and other emotional issues, so he is not so blindsided by the swift changes in mood. I know (NOW) that that is what caused alot of friction between DW and myself....she never knew WHICH DH she was going to be dealing with.

For your DH, that book will definitely give him (and you) a blueprint. Like I said, it has been a life saver for DW and myself. Like I said, it is a work in progress, mostly becuase DW "love language" is so foriegn to me. There is a test at the end of some editions (thankfully ours did) and the highest you can score is 12 for any one "language". I scored a 10 or 11 on "physical touch", but DW scored a 5 in that area, so she is not COMPLETELY clueless on how to speak my "love language". However, she scored a 10 or 11 in gift giving and I scored a 0 or a 1....hows that for being COMPLETELY clueless....I am STILL struggling to speak her language! LOL. I can not seem to grasp how to give gifts without going into a store and buying something....I can't seem to figure out what to get her either. I am making lists of stuff she says she would like to have, but so much of it is kitchen stuff or other utilitarian type things and that just seems so cold and unromantic....yet I don't want to get flowers ALL the time that will just wilt and be gone in a week. Like I said, a work in progress and she and I have and I am sure will have many more discussions about this. Wish me luck. (blushing, guys are so clueless about some things).

With that, big {{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}to you, and definitely good luck.
tk

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:52pm

Beth, it sounds like you are handling this really well. Think about it: you're dealing with this tyrannical professor, you faced her superior, and now you're preparing an audition for another school. I'd say you're a lot stronger than you give yourself credit for. Good luck on that audition, and with your choice. You deserve a school where you can be comfortable and happy and have your best efforts recognized.

Take care,
Cari

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 10:11pm

TK, this is great info!

What you are saying about my husband not telling me about calling the suicide line makes perfect sense. I guess he couldn't articulate it, because I did once ask him why he didn't tell me earlier. That time period was so awful, but it was especially traumatizing to me because I seriously got the impression that my husband didn't care if I died. I have to accept that he just didn't know what he was dealing with.

I have looked at the Five Languages book on Amazon (as much as it will let me) and I will see if I can pick it up locally next week. It seems to have a simple, approachable style, which will appeal to my husband. Gift giving can be so much fun - don't let it freak you out. First, I don't know about your wife, but my personal opinion is it would be difficult to overdo flowers. Yes, they will wilt and be gone in a week - that is part of their charm. They need to be enjoyed in the moment, they are frivolous and beautiful and you don't have to clean them or store them or pack them up when you move.

I remember when I first met my husband's brother and his wife, they were telling each other what they were buying each other for Christmas. I asked my husband why they did that and he said "I don't know, cause they've been married ten years?" I told him to not even THINK of ever getting that complacent with me. I like to be surprised, I will always like it. We could be married 100 years and he needs to still make the effort to surprise me. In the end, gifts are a symbol of taking the time to think about someone and their interests and what makes them unique.

I think my husband and I both look at pretty much everything in terms of "would he/she enjoy this?" If you don't do that automatically, you could probably train yourself. When I go to the market I usually pick up a little something special for him, say a new microbrew or an exotic cheese. He loves that stuff but would rarely buy it for himself. It's not a big production giving it to him, just "Saw this and thought of you." I don't think I'd enjoy life if I didn't have someone to do that for, and luckily my husband and I are alike in that sense. I think you're right to shy away from the utilitarian stuff. I get that kind of thing for my husband, but not for a big holiday, just as an everyday gesture.

I also find it extremely flattering when my husband takes an interest in what I like. When we first started dating my husband, the non-reader, bought and read a copy of Sluaghterhouse Five just because I was telling him about this quintessentially American author (whom he had never heard of). I considered that a gift, and I still do because we actually have a book we can discuss. I also love the memory of him turning to me and saying "I'm going to go to the bookstore and see if they have that Slaughterhouse Five you mentioned." I laughed and said "They'll have it." I told him it was like hearing someone say "I'm going to go to the bookstore and see if they have this dictionary thing you keep talking about."

Sorry, I know you weren't asking for advice. Sometimes I wish I had your problem. My husband and I are both extravagant spenders, never at a loss for a reason to buy something, and we have the anemic bank account to prove it. :)

Good luck to both of you. It's inspiring to hear about a couple that has overcome so much and is still together. Thanks for sharing your strategies! I will take that advice of yours and try to give him more credit for all the little things he does. Off to phone him....

Hugs all around,
Cari

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 12:29pm

Advice is always welcome. I try to do the "saw this and thought of you", but I don't do much shopping and what I do is at the auto parts store. DW pointed out just recently that I could get her an auto air freshener or something like that for the car and she would appreciate that too. She also mentioned the spontenaity number too and how it doesn't mean as much when she has to "prompt" me, which I can understand. I will keep plugging away at this and maybe some day I will get it right.

Good luck with your H and keep us posted.
tk

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