Let me clearn the air...rather long!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Let me clearn the air...rather long!
4
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 4:50pm
I think I have miscommunicated again. I seem to have given the wrong impression and annoyed some people. Blame it on my pitiful lack of social skills. I am not very reasonable at the moment and was feeling rather sorry for myself. At any rate it was not my intention for anyone to think that I would hate or not want this child if it turns out to be mentally ill. FAR FROM IT! My fear is really that I don't want this child to go through the same hell and isolation I have gone through my whole life. Especially the total social isolation which messed me me up far more than the bi-polar. I fear it would be more than I could bear. But I never ONCE thought I would dislike the child. I only question my own abilities to help him or her (I actually have big time boy feelings) avoid the kind of miserable social life I have had. But my DH and his family have NO history of any type of mental or physical problems in his family. Perhaps the child will take more after him! They are all so normal. Putting him (I REALLY think it's a boy) in social activities at an early age may help build good social skills. That's something I never had because it was too expensive. I remember when I was very young, I wanted to do tumbling or gymnastics with other little girls or take dance classes but we couldn't even afford to go out to a fast food restaurant. We ate a lot of chicken and rice! Anyhoo, thanks for the advice. I have printed them out. I feel better trying to plan ways to help him (name will be Brendan if its a boy) become more sociable to begin with. Of course I realize I can't sit here and plan out the child's entire life before he is even born. But I want to assure everyone I want to be the best mother I can be and help the child have a good life whatever he may or may not be born with. I want to do and be the best I can be!
Hope I am sounding a little more reasonable and less full of self pity this time!
Jodie

Jodie

Avatar for suziq_3
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 8:19am
i think everyone knew what you meant.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 11:29am

Hey love...I totally know how you feel. You're an awesome person, and you'll be a great mom. Commiserate, rant, cry, whatever here...okay?

I know how scared you are.

Hang in there. We're all in this together!

Keli

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 12:00pm

Hi Jodie...I haven't been around much lately because of a combination of severe morning sickness, exhaution and flat out depression. Stopping all the meds for this pregnancy has really kicked me in the butt and I can't wait to get this pregnancy over. I just don't do pregnancy well.

Anyway I wanted to respond to your comments about worrying your child will be mentally ill. I understand. And more importantly I understand that it isn't about not loving a mentally ill child, or feeling that the child is less valuable. I know that its about being afraid of failing that child. My first is 4 now and has some special needs. She's way ahead in expressive language, but has problems with pragmatics (proper everyday communication). She also way behind in spatial reasoning skills (sorting, organization, that sort of thing). Her social skills are definitely a work in progress and watching her struggle in school is very painful sometimes. We currently have her in 2 schools. One is a theraputic pre-K program through the public school district and it's excellent. She's been in this class since September and has already made progress in a number of areas. It only meets 2 days a week though (rural district, not enough buses) so we have her in a private pre-K program for another 2 days to help with her socialization. We just had a parent/teacher conference on Friday with the private school teacher and administrator because we can't get them to be open about Kivrin's differences and needs. They seem to think the problem is poor parenting (old parents of 1 child who spoil her) and so the way they treat her leaves her anxious and self doubting.

I'm angry and feel helpless where this school is concerned because they tell me everything is fine when I know it's not. I go early to get her and pop in for lunch often just to see how things are going and they aren't going "fine". My daughter is not able to socialize on the same level as the other kids and she's beginning to understand it. There is only one child there that she identifies as a friend and DH observed him tell her on Thursday that he isn't her friend. Now, where that might be a normal cycle with most kids, it's not with my child. She was crushed and talked about it non-stop all weekend. How do you explain that? How do you fix that?

However, for all the frustration I wouldn't change my daughter one bit. I think she's flat out the coolest 4 year old on the planet. In fact when DH and I go to conferences and consultations with professionals we always make sure that we point out that we aren't asking anyone to "fix" her because she isn't broken. All we want is to help her be successful and happy. I will do whatever it takes to make the world amenable to her. Some days my lack in that area is crushing to me though. I think it is this way for all parents though.

I know this is long and rambling. However, all I wanted to share is that I understand your concerns and fears and stress. And though I can't say everything will be peaches and cream, I can tell you that you will be overwhelmed with love for your child whatever his needs are that will give you more strength than you think you have to be his advocate.

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 1:13pm

I was also ahead in expressive language but I was never able to socialize or organize. I remember in kindgergarten when we had to take naps, I laid in the teachers lounge rather than with the other kids. My behavior was psychotic even then. I would get in trouble for eating ants, and other absolutely nutty behaviors. My parents got called so much they practically LIVED there. My mother would weep as one demented. By the beginning of 2nd grade I was completely ostracized (and put in special ed classes where I stayed) and have pretty much remained that way ever since. It got so bad back then I quit riding my bike around the neighborhood because I would get attacked if anyone caught me out of my yard. I never spent the night at another girls house or went to parties or school social events. So today I remain ignorant of society's rules. I get told off a lot here at work for one social bluncer after another. Like the other day I committed the CARDINAL SIN of picking up an ice cube with my bare hands instead of using the scoop. The office was horrified and public e-mails were sent out telling "people" to not touch the ice with their hands. I was very embarrassed as the office gossip flew. I had no idea that just "isn't done". I am thinking of buying one of those self help books on social graces or something to give me some pointers. If I had been able to do some social activities when I was very young, I'm sure things would have been at least somewhat better. Putting your daughter in these programs early is probably the best thing you could do. I plan to do the same whether this child has special needs or not.

My morning/all day sickness is finally starting to ease up a bit. It was pretty bad for awhile there. I am 11.3 weeks now and haven't gained a pound. I can sure relate about stopping the medications! It's really kicked me in the butt too though I still take Ambien and 50 mg's of Seroquel. I am having a horrible time doing anything at all at work and can't even concentrate on watching TV or reading a book. I am thinking of going back on Concerta later on to try to help me concentrate better. I am also driving my poor DH nuts!

Hope things improve!
Jodie

Jodie