spouse of a bi polar
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| Mon, 11-13-2006 - 3:29am |
I just found this site... I've been married to my husband for 4 1/2 years. From March through June there was a definate downward spiral in our relationship coming to a head with him cheating on me. After going through him moving out with that person and having divorce papers filled out he's been recently (less than a month) diagnosed with Bi Polar disorder. Now he's come around and doesn't want a divorce. I tried so hard for months to help him see what was going on... and i understand that at that point he just couldn't. I've let him move back... originally supposed to stay in my travel trailer but has been in the house. I'm now feeling pressured to make a commitment and feel like i can't. Things he says make me feel I should want to make a decision so he can feel better. There's a lot of 'I'm scared to lose you' and 'I wouldn't ever want another person'.. it's hard not to feel like he's trying to manipulate me. I'm struggling with keeping my boundaries with him and still wanting to help and support him. I don't want to leave him hanging while he's getting started on meds but then again I don't think we can work on a marriage until his meds are level....
Any suggestions, support, comiserating??? I'm really struggling with all of this.....

Eden,
First off let me welcome you to the board. You will find lots of support, information, and comiserating on this board. The board is for the patient, the SO, spouse, family member or even friends of persons with bipolar.
I am also the spouse of a bipolar person, also the mother of an EOPB child. DH and I have been married for 17 yrs 11 of which he was undiagnosed and un medicated. He only started meds a few months ago. So far they are helping. He also got to the point of cheating and wanting a divorce, mostly because of other problems and not neccisarily because of the BP. As I've read somewhere don't make any life changing decisions for 6 months after a depression, or other mood disorder has been under control. That being said if it is at all possible try to support him until he is stable. Is he seeing a TDOC? Would he consider MC? Who is overseeing his meds?
You not correct in saying you can't work on the marriage until his meds are level. As I said my DH was unmedicated until about 3 months ago and we have been in MC since Jan. We also have other issuses besides the BP, one of which is my chronic depression.
If both of you want to work on the marriage I have a few suggestions. #1 start MC, #2 find and read (both of you) the 5 languages of Love, #3 if he wont go to MC go to a TDOC by yourself to help you cope with this, #4 read as much as possible about BP, there are several good websites available, #5 if he will allow it go to a PDOC appointment with him and find out which kind of BP he has been diagnosed with, there are several kinds and they all present different symptoms as well as differnt extremes. Every person will react diffently to BP and every person will react differently to different meds. It may take awhile to find a med or meds that will make him relatively stable. He will have to take meds the rest of his life as BP is incurrable just like diabetes or other such diseases.
Hope this helped some. Maybe some of the other regular posters will show up soon with more advice.
MC
It's been real hard. A lot of times he doesn't understand that the things he thinks or assumes are not really the reality of situations. He of course asked me to help him identify when things were seeming off and promised to be receptive. But that's not going so well. He did have blood work done yesterday and I hope he hears back on that soon.
I finally had to really plainly spell out to him that I was still in an information gathering phase and that I want to be there for him and be a support but I don't know about the marriage yet. I need him to allow me some time and also for him to concentrate on being well.
A couple of questions on your post. What is EOPB and TDOC? I got the MC... and yes he's willing to go to counseling both for himself and with me. I've seen a couple counselors now... one right when he was cheating and moving out and another just last week. So far neither of them were helpful. I just didn't click with them. A bit condescending... which is the last thing I need....
Again, thank you for your post and making me welcome. I am also hopeful that others will speak up. I could use all the tips, tricks, suggestions or warnings I can get!
Actually I misspelled one EOPB should have been EOBP (early onset bipolar, aka, child bipolar). Both my DH and DS (dear husband and dear son) are EOBP. EOBP has different symptoms then Bipolar I or Bipolar II(adult onset). There are different types and different syptoms with each type and each person is differnt. Do some research to find out which one applies. Kowing what kind you are dealing with will help you to understand what is going on and be able to support him. I think a good source is NAMI.
TDOC is a thearapist, PDOC (which you will also hear) is psyciatrist (the one that prescribes medication.
We never got to the point of one of us moving out. Partly because our kids have enough to deal with (their own medical issuses)and partly because I was scared that we wouldn't be able to work on the marriage if we were living apart.
<>. <>this is my situation also. Keep us posted. You have found an excellent source of information and support here.
MC (Brenda)
Thank you so much Brenda... I'm Eden.
I definately plan to keep in touch here. It feels so good to know that I'm not the only one with this situation in life.