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| Tue, 11-14-2006 - 6:56pm |
So...like I said before...I knew the Tegretol wasnt going to work. I was soooooooo tired and nauseous and then when I went up to 400mg, I got soooooo angry over nothing that I screamed at my children everyday and made them cry, and I am talking really screamed for no reason, I would get so angry I couldnt calm down at all and it took hours to go away...so I stopped it all together, I think I am going to find a new pdoc. I like this one but I am sick and tired of her trying the same crap over and over....is that normal? I was looking through all the bp books I have and I have been on every freakin med there is and nothing works but lithium and the side effects from that are horrible.....I almost just want to take nothing and be manic 99% of the time, but then I know I go up too high and things get really crazy really fast so I cant do that...and OMG my DH is the biggest f-n trigger on the planet. I have been totally flaked out since I started this Tegretol...no big surprise, but it amazes me how DH thinks I am a retard when it comes to how the meds make me feel...he thinks I have no freaking clue if they are working or not and only the pdoc can tell me that...im like HELLOOOOOOO are you in my mind???? So I am a selfish, childish, lazy worthless pos... his words as of last night, we are so on the edge of divorce, like I want to file TODAY! He gets a mediocre job and thinks he is God because of it...wtf ever. I need a tdoc and cant afford one and the only one I even have any desire to speak to is across town and more than I can afford....why the hell does DH always think I am making the stuff up...oh and now, su thinking is the "trump card" because he thinks I use it just to get out of doing things around the house....he refuses to try to understand bp...I dont get it, he wants me to do all this and thinks the meds are gonna be this magic cure all when we find the right one...newsflash buddy...it doesnt work like that...we have tons of books, hell pdoc even gave him one of hers to read...has he done it? no....he wouldnt be able to whine and complain about how hard my bp is for him and how much he is stressed out because I am selfish and lazy if he actually tried to understand what its like...and anytime I try to tell him, im just feeding him bs and trying to get him to give me a pity party.....he yelled at me for 3 straight hours last night, because there was laundry on the floor after he had miraculously picked up some dirty clothes, how dare I throw more dirty clothes ont he floor after he picked them up....OMG I cant freaking stand him anymore and then I had a panic attack so bad I couldnt breathe and couldnt even move for two hours...so I didnt sleep at all last night....peachy huh? Now I am manic as crap and paranoid and stressed and anxious and furious and everything all at once and I swear if he comes home and starts runnin his yap im gonna hit him in it....he cant handle being wrong at all ever and I have to just suck it up and who cares if i want to su, do the dishes anyways...thats his attitude. Sick from meds, puke in a bucket next to the pile of clothes you are folding....I am not sure if hate is too strong of a word yet, but I know that I am so far from the love side of this coin hate is right up ahead...
Time will tell
Rebekah


Hey honey...life just plain freaking sucks, don't it???
I'm mad at your dh too.
I'm mad at my stupid witch pdoc.
I'm mad at being BP.
I'm mad cuz I can't cut, or su if i want(ed) to.
I'm mad that these freaking meds make me so sick...but like you, Li is the only one that works.
I'm mad that I don't have enough money right now for anything...let alone Christmas.
I miss you. Hang in there...
Love you!!!
Keli