i'm having a really hard time - trigs

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-02-2006
i'm having a really hard time - trigs
5
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 9:52am

thanksgiving is a really hard time anyway because my dad passed away right before thanksgiving 3 years ago. then on top of that is the problem of my xh losing his job and the financial strain that has placed on me. the gravity of that finally set in over the weekend. i've been looking for a second job frantically and have heard nothing yet from any of the places i've applied to. i know it's soon, but i've got bills coming due that i have no money to pay like my car insurance. then there's christmas. i've got to get over to the salvation army and see if they have anything that i can get for my kids. it's been bad before but never this bad financially. i had su ideation all weekend long. thought about taking all of my bp meds to od but figured all that would do would land me in the hospital. i started to cut my wrists but stopped. i couldn't even do that. i'm a mess right now and i don't know what to do. i need help and i/p isn't an option right now. that would just be an added expense that i can't handle right now. i have failed my children and i have failed myself. failure seems to be the theme for me lately. i thought the cymbalta would help prevent this but obviously i thought wrong. can one thing go right? or am i destined to stay a failure? my studies have taken a major hit because all my efforts have gone into finding a second job so my study time has fallen by the wayside. not that i'm able to concentrate anyway. i so hate this.


thanks for listening.


traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 10:15am

Traci,


We are 2 good ones right now aren't we?


I have been fighting this su idealation too. It is so hard to do it and so hard not to do it. It is a hellish place to be. The torment is too much at times. I don't know how to make these thoughts go away, but I am trying to stay strong and I need you to do the same.


I know what you mean about feeling like a failure. That is all I have ever felt like. Just about everything I try to accomplish, I fail. I am having a hard time with school too. Can't read and concentrate. I am going to do my best with these reports. They will be late and graded harder for being late but oh well. I should still get at least a C in this class. I have until Dec.12 and that is my final exam date. Hang in there and do the best you can. With the holidays I would think you would be called on to work soon. People are in need of help right now. I will say a prayer for you.


I don't know about you but I feel like why would anyone need me to live for them because I am such a F-up and then I am told my dd needs me. I feel like a failure to her a lot of times too, but I guess she still needs me. I can tell you this, she is the only reason I am still breathing right now. I almost didn't care over the weekend what she would have went through. Selfish, I know. But I am still here.


I know it is all hell right now but after the holidays the stress will lift some and better days will come. It is a shame holidays bring such grief at times for some. I know they do me. I am trying to think of what the season is for and celabrate it for what it is and not for commercial reasons. I can only give what I can give.


Good luck with Salvation army. Get there quick.


Hang in there

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2005
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 11:03am

you are not a failure to your kids...xh is, not you.

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God could not be everywhere, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 11:19am

hey there...i know exactly how you feel. i had a horrible weekend too...the whole SU ideation thing and feeling a failure seems to be the theme with a bunch of us...

but...BUT...you are NOT a failure. i know it doesn't help to hear that...i know it doesn't. but its true.

hang in there.

love you

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-08-2004
Mon, 11-27-2006 - 11:19am

Traci, I am so very sorry about your situation. My husband lost his father when he was in his 20s, and it took him about 10 years to be able to talk about it without crying. He's come to terms with it, but will never be over it. I guess you have to let grieving take its course on its own schedule, hard as that is day to day.

One suggestion I have is to drop by the debt support group board here on Ivillage. Even if consumer debt is not your problem, they can be extremely creative when it comes to handling situations like Christmas. I know one cl there has gone through at least one Christmas with her husband unemployed, a new baby, and 3 other kids. I believe her kids got Christmas gifts from their church, but perhaps there are other options. I don't participate there, but I read and have used so many of their ideas. It might be worth a shot, and you will learn how much company you really have in the financial struggle.

Have you tried the shipping companies for a job (FedEx, UPS, DHL)? I've read you must be able to lift 40lbs, but they seem to be always hiring, and I'm sure need lots of extra help now. They pay a bit more than minimum wage.

For whatever it's worth, I grew up in a wealthy household and all that came of that, besides a pile of stuff that was given away decades ago, was that I had no idea how to manage money and got myself into an insane amount of debt in my 20s. My parents took us on fancy vacations, and my memories of those are filled with stress and abuse. 3 of my worst memories of my parents happened in Vail, Hawaii, and Hong Kong. What a waste of money. When I was 20 I told my mother that if I could have chosen, I would have picked poor parents who supported me through anything over parents who could buy me anything. I don't think she understood that I was calling her a sorry excuse for a parent, but that's denial for you.

I am struggling with school, too. I know that stress inside and out. You are not a failure, and half of the battle is making yourself believe this. I thought I would have my masters in one year, it has taken me over 4 years and I am just now limping to the end. I won't dwell on what I could have done better if you won't either. Deal? Please? :)

Take care,
Cari

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2006
I am so sorry I can't help you. But I am sending P&PT's and many massive hugs your way..... Kelli





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