Not well...trigs
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| Fri, 12-01-2006 - 10:45am |
Its me again...hating life. I hate BP. I hate depression. I was pretty manicky yesterday, but went shopping and did well.
Well, today, I'm bottoming out fast. Really fast.
All I want to do is go home and take a bunch of pills to knock me out for the weekend.
I am very discouraged and depressed.
I see pdoc Monday for whatever good that will do.
My utilities that I paid yesterday posted fine...but now I have another bill due by the 5th, Tuesday...I can't pay that one too. Not eligible for an extension.
Its always something bringing me down...always. No matter what.
I've been attending church and have had many answered prayers, but I'm not very hopeful right now.
Stupid BP.
Have had some flashbacks recently...just proves how inadequate I really am.

AHHHH, the fun of bp depression, everything we EVER did wrong comes back to haunt us....and things we even did RIGHT start to feel like we did wrong....sucks. I hate those the worst, especially when I am in the middle of something enjoyable and my mood is starting to improve and WHAMO!!!!!, flashback I am so f***** up.
Hope you start to feel better, gotta run and get my performance eval done....yeah, talk about trigs for negativity.
tk
you have no control over flashbacks...they just happen.
God could not be everywhere, so
Yep...those are the kind of flashbacks I'm talking about...the ones that prove how messed up I really am. Nobody would know JUST how messed up in my head I really am. BUt you guys...
I try and I try and I try to do the right thing...to be a good person...and SOMETHING ALWAYS happens to prove that I'm not.
I don't feel very much in control right now.
I'm hoping it will change soon.
I will not go i/p though...regardless. It will be okay, somehow.
I'm at stupid work and I can't do my work...and my dh has my car, so I can't even go home if I COULD.
(((((((((keli)))))))) you are not inadequate, so stop saying that. i know you're not feeling well right now, but girl you've got to keep fighting. if i have to you do too. do you hear me? i wish i knew what to say that could make you feel better, but all i've got right now is some hugs to send your way. you know how to reach me if you need to. i'm around. stay strong and stay safe.
love you,
traci