Promiscuity

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-03-2006
Promiscuity
14
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 8:43pm

I recently found out that a (male) friend of mine is bipolar. I've known him for about a year, and suspected that he might be bipolar, but he only just confirmed it a few weeks ago. While our initial meeting involved a mild "hook up" things have been completely platonic since.

Lately, we have been spending a lot of time together. One night we were out together and he was telling me how much I mean to him, and how much he cares about me, etc. How he doesn't treat the women he sleeps with very well, and that there is so much more betwen us, how he would choose me over any of these girls he sleeps with--it was a heavy conversation, and I left feeling overwhelmed myself. Then, the next night we were out again and he bit my head off for no reason. Then, later, told me that he is a jerk and to not get involved with him. He then saw a girl he used to have a sexual relationship with, and I'm pretty sure she went home with him.

This girl (if they went home together) would have been the 6th girl in 2 weeks he has slept/fooled around with. I have been doing research on bipolar disorder, and have learned that during manic episodes people tend to be hyper-sexual. He told me earlier that day that he felt a bit off, so I'm pretty sure this behavior is the result of a manic episode.

My question is about how he could go from telling me how much he cares about me on one night to biting my head off 24 hours later. Is this because he was freaked out about the intensity of our conversation the night before? Is is just because of the manic episode? Is he trying to push me away? Is he testing me? Was he lying about caring about me?

I have to admit I was pretty upset about how he treated me the other night. And while I don't want him to think it's OK to speak to me that way (I actually told him that it wasn't, in a very calm manner) I don't want to NOT speak to him and let him think I'd abandon him. What is the best way to handle this situation? Again, I don't want to abandon him, but I also don't like watching this whole ferocious effort to "get laid." I just want to be a good friend.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
In reply to: resto_girl
Sun, 12-03-2006 - 9:24pm

Hi.
I wanted to tell you that I think you are overthinking his "biting your head off". Its probably just that he was manic and irritable, happens to the best of us. As for the getting laid by six girls in 2 weeks, definitely a manic thing. When I wasnt on meds, sex was like a drug, it fixed the bad moods and kept the good ones going. I am not getting into numbers but your friend seems like he is definitely having a manic episode to me. I am sure he really does care about you, and meant every word he said to you. When we are really manic we tend to do really impulsive and sometimes stupid things, but that doesnt mean that he was lying to you or anything else, chances are once he is less manic or stable he will still have the same feelings he has now albeit possibly less extreme. When we are really manic EVERYTHING seems great, the world is our oyster so to speak, and life cant get much better...till we get too manic and crash, then all hell breaks loose. But I am sure this friend really cares for you and is probably confused himself by his behavior, or if he understands it he might be frustrated by his lack of self control...which could be the whole reason for him biting your head off, either way its not you or anything you did or said...so dont worry.
Hope that helped some

Rebekah

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Registered: 12-03-2006
In reply to: resto_girl
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 11:28am

Thanks a lot--this really, really helps. I'm trying to understand this condition and be a good friend, and it really helps to get the perspective of those who live with it themselves. My friend is on meds, and he did tell me earlier on the day that he snapped at me that he was feeling funny/a bit off. I guess I viewed the meds as being a save all and preventing manic episodes, but I've also read the antidepressants can trigger manic episodes even if a person is on a mood-stabilizer.

I would love for others to share their wisdom and experience in this realm, as I don't think I can have too much understanding of this condition--it will only help me to be a better friend and to not feel so bad when my friend starts behaving destructively.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: resto_girl
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 2:03pm

Welcome to the crazy world of being a bp's friend. I hope you can stick with him, "real" friends are hard to come by when (as you have ALREADY found out) we are telling you how great you are one day, then snapping at everyone and everything and possibly even going into a nightmare of a rage (to you anyway) over something trivial (again to you)....I have three "real" friends who have stuck with me through ALOT. One is female and she told me once I was a hard person to get to know when I asked her why I was having so many problems with girls. Didn't understand at the time, but I think I do now.

The sex drive is H E double hockey sticks at times and during a manic can be overpowering....I am early onset bp (eobp) type II, which means 1)I have been dealing with this since about 7 yo and 2)Just a very high sex drive ALL the time and from a very early age (try about 3 or 4 yo). Somehow I made it to 16 before I had sex for the first time, but some of that was due to my rapid cycling which left girls wondering which of me they would be dealing with at any given time. The type II means when I am manic, I am irritable, can't sleep, and can't sit still, and when I am depressed I am irritable, can't sleep, and am afraid to sit still. LOL....I am only exaggerating a little.

To put your mind at ease, as another poster here said, he told you what he was feeling because during a manic bp's tend to have very low impulse control (not that we have a whole lot at other times either LOL), and so he spoke what was on his mind. The snapping 24 hrs later was due to the bp again in that he was irratable and something you said set off the volcanoe inside him. So to kind of sum up that rambling, he does care about you and he wasn't "freaked out" by your conversation the night before, he was just in a different state/a different mental place 24 hrs later (ahhh, the fun of bp).

About the meds, it takes some time to find the right cocktail of meds and if your friend is not being entirely honest with his pdoc, he may not be on the right dosage or the right cocktail. Also, I read this in a book called "The Bi-Polar Child" and have seen it in other articles, that if by some miracle, the mood swings were gone, the personality traits would still be present....in my case, the low impulse control, the HIGH sex drive, the rages over trivial stuff (better able to control them, but still there), the anxiety/inability to deal with large crowds and any number of other quirks that I am unaware of but I am sure DW could spell out in great detail.

He is not testing you or lying or trying to push you away, all of the behavior you have described is more than likely due to the bi-polar....may be something else, but sure sounds like my behaviors. I will say this, not to freak YOU out or anything, but it sounds like he cares about you alot and would probably like more of a relationship, but is unsure of how and what to do about it(especially if he is in a manic). I am reading between the lines here and relating from a bp males perspective, but that would be my guess, although he can and will appreciate a good friend....if that is all you want. Correct me if I am wrong, but some of your post sounds like you wouldn't mind having more of a relationship, but his acting out on his sex drive puts you off....and that is something you will have to think long and hard about....can you handle this if the relationship becomes more than friends? I don't mean him cheating on you (although that is a possibility), but will you be able to handle him when a manic hits? Also realize that a HIGH sex drive could very likely be part of the whole package, manic or not.

If you want things to remain just friends, you will have to just understand this >>>>ferocious effort to "get laid."<<<<< is who your friend is (especially when manic) and accept it. I give you high marks for calmly telling your friend you will not accept being talked to that way instead of lashing out back at him. My long term friends that I have told I am bp just took it in stride and made some comment to the effect that alot of things made sense now. I am sure they suspected for awhile too, or at the very least knew how I was and made allowences, understood that sometimes I was more volatile than others and if they saw my jaw muscles clench, knew it was time to back off....or could sense my moods somehow.

You handled the situation very well IMO and are proving to be a GREAT friend. Continue to let him know you will be a friend and certain behaviors won't be tolerated (such as speaking to you a certain way), but that does not mean you don't EVER want to talk to him again. Some things you will have to overlook as you (as JUST a friend) do not have a say in them (such as his sex drive)....you may ask he not be so obvious around you, but if you are going to clubs, etc. with him, that is what he is there for is looking for a "hook up" and so you may drive a wedge between you trying to control something he may feel you have no say in as a friend. JMHO.

Well, sorry this got so long, but I was trying to give you an honest view from a bp males perspective and what to expect from your friend. Good luck and try and be a true non-judgmental friend, they are few and far between for a bp person.

tk

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Registered: 12-03-2006
In reply to: resto_girl
Mon, 12-04-2006 - 5:12pm

Wow. Thanks so much for this. I really, REALLY appreciate the insight--and your perspective as a male. I think I'll have to read it again (and again) to remind myself of all the helpful advice you've given me.

You also seem quite adept at reading between the lines. Will have to reflect upon this further, as well.

I definitely am committed to being friends with him, and do not plan on bailing on him--this is why I found these boards and came here asking for help. I know I have insecurities and sensitivities that might cause me to become angry with him or take outburts/snide remarks personally, and I want to make sure I don't do that with him. As for taking the relationship to the next level...well, it has seemed to me that he's decided (for whatever reason) that a committed relationship beyond friendship is not a possibility in his life. He thinks he would get sick of the same person day in and day out. Whether this is because he is afraid of passing on his genes, or thinks that no one could put up with the roller coaster, or he has just resigned himself to a life of sleeping around (being a "playboy") I don't know. It is interesting that you get the impression that he wants something more from me--and that I might want something more from him. I think I have a lot to learn before I make a decision like that--for his sake and for mine.

For the time being, I will keep coming here and asking for insight and perspective from you amazing people. I really cannot express how much I appreciate your responses.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: resto_girl
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 10:25am

Has he actually stated that he would get sick of the same person day in and day out? I would caution you to not make assumptions based on a normal persons feeling/reactions/thought processes. Our feelings/reactions/thought processes are skewed by this disorder we live with. Part and parcel of bp is usually an inability to read social cues and therefore most of us have been burned multiple times by thinking someone was interested and they weren't and vice versa....we tend to put up emotional barriers to keep from getting hurt/burned again. Don't assume to much and feel your way VERY carefully....bp people are hard to get to know, we get so used to hiding the inner turmoil from the rest of the world and trying to keep things together that we tend to be wrapped up pretty tight and don't let many people get close to us. When we do, they tend to get the brunt of what we keep hidden from the rest of the world. Not trying to scare you, just give you something to work with. I have only come to realize this after being married for 17 yrs and being unmedicated for the majority of those and having DW and myself really start talking to each other here in the last year.

Before I met the lady who is now my wife I had resigned myself to a life of taking what I could where I could, because I figured no one could handle me as I was, could take me without wanting to change me, on top of the sex drive. That was one thing I really paid attention to when dating someone was if they were able to "keep up" with me sexually. Amazingly I hadn't had sex but with one other woman before I met DW....but I put her through the ringer while dating....I was a little obnoxious and pushed for sex when I wanted it so she would know how often I wanted sex. Anyway, getting a little off thread, back to the point I was trying to make, your friend has probably has decided that there is not any one woman who could keep up with him sexually....but he did tell you he feels and treats you differently than any of his "sex toys" (my label), he may be scared you would feel differently about him if you experienced his sex drive full force. He also may be scared what you think about him now that you know he is bp. This last is just conjecture on my part based on how I was 20 years ago.

Good luck and definitely hang around, you will learn alot. Communication is key and if I didn't tell you before, you need to find out what type of bp your friend is (bp I, bp II, early onset, adult onset, rapid cycle, etc.), makes a big difference in the symptoms and what you can expect.

tk

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Registered: 12-03-2006
In reply to: resto_girl
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:50am

He did actually tell me that he believes he would get sick of the same person day in and day out. I remember thinking at the time that this was a defense mechanism (I didn't know about the bp at this time.)

In terms of his sex drive, I don't really have first-hand knowledge of it. ;-) Our one experience happened pretty soon after we met. And he was VERY careful to not let things go too far. He actually told me (last week) that this was deliberate in that he treats the women he sleeps with pretty badly and felt from the time we met that there could be more between us. (I take this to mean more in a "friendship" way.) What I have witnessed in the last few weeks seems frenetic in a way that I haven't seen him before--ever. Theoretically, I'm not scared/put off by a high sex drive at all. I mean, I have also done the excessive casual sex thing in the past. Probably still have what would be considered a high sex drive myself lol. I suspect, though, that he compartmentalizes women into "sex" and "friend" categories. I'd much rather be in the friend category, and I think he'd rather I be there, too. I think it would be bad for both of us if we crossed that line right now--and I don't even know that he wants to.

I do still want to have a conversation about what type of bp he has, and how he deals with it, and when he was diagnosed, and all of that--and he knows this, I told him I want to have the conversation--but after the other night I haven't heard from him and wonder now how to approach having the conversation. The truth is, I am also human and have my feelings/sensitivities/pride/insecurities and am sort of confused/hurt that I haven't heard a word. I did contact him this morning and am waiting to hear back. Hopefully he is OK. I do worry. Can disappearing acts be part of bp?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2006
In reply to: resto_girl
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 2:05pm

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>Can disappearing acts be part of bp?<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
Most definitely, if the manic gets too bad we forget things we have said/promised, forget about people in general sometimes. I have seen some posts on here where someone has disappeared for weeks, no contact with family/friends even spouses and children. Sounds like he is not real stable right now. I am not sure what to tell you to help your own "feelings/sensitivities/pride/insecurities ". That is part of what I was trying to warn you about when dealing with a bp person.

>>>>>He actually told me (last week) that this was deliberate in that he treats the women he sleeps with pretty badly and felt from the time we met that there could be more between us. (I take this to mean more in a "friendship" way.)<<<<<<<<
Don't want to scare you, but IMHO he wasn't talking about "friendship"....he could be, it is hard talking for someone else, but going from personal experience I would say he is definitely interested in you as more than a "friend". I am impressed that he realizes he treats his "sex buddies" so badly and wants to treat you differently, friendship is a good place to start love from though. Like you said in a previous post though, that is a decision for another time.

>>>>>>>>>He did actually tell me that he believes he would get sick of the same person day in and day out. I remember thinking at the time that this was a defense mechanism (I didn't know about the bp at this time.)<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<
I agree with your assessment of this statement. I personally knew I COULD not be married to someone who thought an "active" sex life was once a year under the Christmas tree. LOL. I also had this nightmare that I would wind up being married to someone for whom once a month was just fine and sure enough found out I COULDN'T handle that either (that is a story for another thread, in fact I have a few on mismatched libidos board). That unpleasantness is being worked through by DW and myself, but you friend seems to have a pretty decent handle on what he is and is capable of or not capable of, thus his statement. He probably hasn't met anyone yet that can mesh with him sexually, mentally, and emotionally and so has the attitude he does, the one woman who can meet his needs sexually (or the many as the case may be) he doesn't bother finding out if they can meet his needs/wants mentally or emotionally and the women who he trusts emotionally he doesn't seem to trust sexually and possibly mentally. This also may have contributed to some things going on now, (not an accusation here just a statement of my opinion), it sounds like he is comfortable with you on a mental/intellectual level and you are doing your best to support him emotionally and it may have thrown him off balance a little....but very likely his disappearing is more manic driven than anything else.

My advice is continue what you are doing and don't let him just disappear. If he has a cell phone call and leave messages and let him know you are worried and when the inevitable crash comes, be there for him and "nurse" him through it and help pull him out of it....we bp's can all use good friends like you are trying to be....if it becomes more, so be it, if not, it sounds like you will be a good friend to him for life. We have very few of those as I have stated before.

Good luck and if things get where you don't want them public, e-mail me through my profile on here. DW will see them, but that will be it, she may even have some better advice for you as she has dealt with me for 16 + yrs un-medicated.

tk

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2005
In reply to: resto_girl
Tue, 12-05-2006 - 11:40pm

I dont have much to say because tk said it all very well. I especially like this.

My advice is continue what you are doing and don't let him just disappear. If he has a cell phone call and leave messages and let him know you are worried and when the inevitable crash comes, be there for him and "nurse" him through it and help pull him out of it....we bp's can all use good friends like you are trying to be....if it becomes more, so be it, if not, it sounds like you will be a good friend to him for life. We have very few of those as I have stated before.

I am the QUEEN of disappearances, my family doesnt even know anything about my bp, but I disappear from them so often that they have learned to just show up at my house unannounced. It infuriates me, but it helps sometimes too. I dont suggest doing that for your friend unless you know its something he is comfortable with, but definitely call him and leave messages.

Oh and I have to ditto the mismatched libido stuff too. DH is happy with once a month, and me...eh not so thrilled with that idea. We have reached a happy medium there thank God. Its not something that went away with the medication, although it did decrease some....but not to a point that would be considered a normal libido to the average person....so you have to be sure that is discussed when the time comes and that you can both agree on a happy medium before. That is another point that I wanted to make, well...geez I sound like a know it all...but from my experience, the more you talk about before you are involved, the better it is. DH and I talked about kids and money and sex and careers and living arrangements and religious beliefs and every kind of hard to talk about thing there was very early in our relationship and it has made things soooo much easier, we never fight about everyday things, we just fight when I spend thousands of dollars on unneeded furniture when I'm manic...lol.

Thats a whole other story. Make sure you ask your friend about his spending and budgeting habits and that sort of thing. I am given a very limited budget for my own spending and have no access to the other accounts....but its for my own good, and im grateful for it now, even though I resent it sometimes. But I know that I am not good with money and have to learn how to deal with it even through manic times...so having a small amount and trying to budget that is helping me, not that this is really normal for bp people, just happens to be one of my issues and its something worth discussing.

I agree also that your friend is probably looking for something more than just friendship with you, but he probably realizes that his bp is hard to deal with and doesnt want to put that on you in the context of a relationship at this point. I think that once he crashes, if you are able to help him through that and handle it well, things could progress for you. Granted I am not a mindreader and have no real clue what will happen, but I am a sociologist, and I do know that there are proven psychological theories that say if people go through events that have a great impact on their lives, they bond with the people who shared those experiences much more deeply than with average people. People who have been in plane crashes with others and survived, still sent those people Christmas cards for the rest of their lives. I dont know if this is his first really bad manic episode and I know you dont either, but he seems to be extremely manic at this point and he WILL crash, unfortunately it happens and the more manic you are the worse it is.

I almost hope he is rapid cycling, that makes the crashes more tolerable because they dont last as long...at least for me. I cycle a few times a day, when im on meds...off meds ehhh its every half hour or so...it really stinks unless I keep in mind that its gonna be over soon and do what I need to and get through it.

Anyways, that was kinda off on a tangent, but like TK, if you ever need to ask something off the board, feel free to email me through my profile.

Rebekah

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Registered: 12-24-2005
In reply to: resto_girl
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 4:37am
Hi 'resto_girl', First, would you please read my 'Personal Profile' so that you can understand where I'm coming from about my B/P mood disorder information. I've read all the postings to your opening and have found a lot of very sound advise in each of the posts. But I'd like to add the following. Working with and within the life of a person who truly has a B/P disorder can be very challanging in many ways, but I suggest that you verify that he IS in fact a person with a B/P disorder and not just 'running one on you' because he's a 'Player'. To do that you first need to read a lot about the disorder so to recognize a little about his feelings. The sex issues are a part, but only one part of the manic set of symptoms in this disorder, so you'll need to know a little about the others. Next, ask to see (in a nice but curious way) some of the medication that he's taking and what each of them are for. If he dodges your request, use further caution with dealing with him. Next, if he does in fact have this disorder all his moods and actions can be 'all over the scope' and can be very confusing at every turn of the clock. If he isn't in therapy he really needs to be seeing a highly qulified therapist who deals with B/P clients. For him to 'talk the talk, he need to walk the walk', so to speak. Again, if everything checks out with him, you could be in for quite a ride since he isn't a "normie" (as call we a 'normal person'). He'll need a lot of strong and liberal understanding and friendship even when he may shun you or 'bite you head off'. Now to the sex issue from my personal experiences. I kept mine barely in check and sometimes I used very poor judgment in my personal actions. I was ALWAYS infatuated with or had a 'crush' on many of my female employees, but I never acted on any of my feelings or thoughts. I would have acted if I could have, if I wouldn't get into professional trouble. Those extreme sexual drive feelings would always be the highest when I was in my manic side of my B/P cycle. Many of the younger ladies knew that I liked to watch them, so many would dress in office attire, but would really be 'eye-candy' to keep me on their side, which would fuel my sexual feelings and fantasies. My masturbation and normal sex with my wife would be every day during my manic cycle, so I can see where a single guy or girl could be out trying to satisfy his or her sexual needs which can be extremely strong at times. Mates who are B/P may often be unfaithful over and over with out meaning to be. I've had this mood disorder since high school and was only diagnosed in 7-1997, so until then I did the best I could and kept out of sexual trouble. Since 1997 all my therapists have help me keep my thinking in balance and in line with the 'real world' since without their help a person with a B/P disorder is really just 'free-floating' in their lives and often act or do things that seem right to them, but can be totally 'off the wall' with the real world. Now I see a Clinical Psychologist and a Psychiatrist since I'm 'blessed' by being both B/P and having a form of Narcolepsy, lucky me, lol. Good luck young lady, Tommy
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Registered: 12-03-2006
In reply to: resto_girl
Wed, 12-06-2006 - 10:16am

Thanks to all the replies--it is really helpful to get perspective from all of you.

To respond to Tommy, yes, I'm sure he is bp. I have done a lot of research and see the signs, and confirmed with others who have known him for a long time.

I did hear from him yesterday, and I think he is "coming down" and trying to keep a low profile after the last few weeks. I'll check in on him again later, but I don't want him to be overwhelmed or feel as though I'm breathing down his neck.

What I'm taking away most is that this is going to be a long and bumpy ride, and that I shouldn't give up on him. I think I knew this already, but it's good to have it reiterated. It's also good to understand his behavior so that I take the silences and the snapping less personally.

I don't know how you guys do it. I really wish this condition could be cured. It breaks my heart that he (and you) have to go through this. But, at the same time, it is a part of him, and he wouldn't be who he is today if he wasn't bp. Ah the irony.

Thanks again for all the feedback!

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