Hi.....um, help, please
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| Thu, 12-07-2006 - 7:37pm |
So, I was posting some back in October, but I've been MIA for awhile. I'm recently dx'd and pregnant and kind of lost at the moment.
I'm currently 12 weeks pregnant and I've been really sick for the last couple of months. Morning sickness has been particularly bad. So, much so that my doc doesn't call it that anymore...it's hyperemesis. I'm also dizzy a lot of the time and really exhausted. When I found out I was pregnant I was taking a high dose of effexor and topamax for mood stabilization. I stopped immediately and had severe withdrawal. My doctor put me back on both to wean, but I still haven't successfully weaned from the effexor. Everytime I so much as miss a dose of the whopping 37.5mg/day I get such bad vertigo I can't do anything. That does not help the vomitting, which doesn't help the dehydration...so no losing that for now.
That was all annoying enough until this week when my mood started to seriously degenerate. I'm trying so hard to hold it together, but I know I'm not being successful. My 4yo, who was always devoted to me can't wait for daddy to get home at night, and DH is trying to limit what I watch on TV to weed out anything stressful or depressing (what else is on TV?) Since this is dangerously close to the "Watch 'Everybody Loves Raymond'" cure for ppd my midwife suggested I get seriously angry with him when he has the remote. Going out in public this time of year is getting increasingly taxing. I get so ANGRY with other shoppers and I have to fight impulses to ram them with my cart. I try to remind myself that a lot of this is normal hormonal pregnancy stuff just made worse by feeling so sick. However, some days I just don't feel very in control. I'm worried about becoming a bad mother and scarring my daughter for life, and pushing my husband completely away. I worry about doing something impulsive that will get me arrested. I'm just not liking myself very much. And I'm soooooo tired.
I should go see my pdoc, but I'm worried he'll want to put me back on meds and DH is really really against that. Hell he even encourages me to cut my anti-nausea meds in half. He's gone as far as making me promise that I won't start taking any new medicine my OB prescribes until he has time to research it and decide if he agrees. Christ! He's a mathematician, not an MD. But that's just one of my "things" at the moment. He might not be that unreasonable to be honest. I just may be communicating poorly with him. I don't know. It's hard right now.
And I feel like such a bad person because I can't get that "but I'm so lucky to be pregnant" feeling. I don't feel happy and grateful and anticipatory. I just want to stop being pregnant so I can feel okay. I can't get that "what a blessing" thing going and sometimes I don't even care. The baby isn't real to me, even though I've had and ultrasound and seen it. I can't get my head out of how bad things are now...at this moment...today. I have a friend keeps reminding me that at least I'm doing better than her acquaintance with terminal spinal cancer and at the end I get a baby...she only gets to die. I don't even return her calls anymore because if she tells me that one more time I will do something impulsive that will, at a minimum, end the friendship and may get me arrested.
I don't even know why I'm posting all of this here. I guess I just need to vent to people who might get it. If I said this stuff on a pregnancy board I'd get flamed to a crisp. If I said to my husband it would just be painful for him. I suppose I should say it to my pdoc, but for some reason I don't want to talk to him any more than the friend with the dieing acquaintance.
Mary

Mary,
Venting definitely helps sometimes--so feel free to vent away.
I know, congrats aren't really what you were looking for, but let me start by saying congratulations on the baby.
Now, on to your post. I can't even BEGIN to relate to the whole pg thing and those hormones, BUT I can tell you that the not wanting to talk to anyone is the bp shutting you down. Also, your DH is thinking he is showing concern for you and the new baby....I feel for you though that it doesn't seem like it....I am EXTREMELY guilty of that with my DW. I think I am offereing encouragement, but make the mistake of starting or ending sounding negative so all that is heard is the negative....anyway I hope that is what is going on.
Also, feel free to vent....as you stated, we are about the only people who "get it". I don't know if I can offer much more than semi-encouraging words and well wishes. Having gone through the whole unable to concieve and a stillbirth from a males point of view, I appreciate ANY new baby, but being bp and looking back at my unmedicated years, I can appreciate your whole hating crowds and feeling out of control and ready to rage at anybody or anything....so like I said, I will offer what semi-encouraging words I can. I can DEFINITELY send you well wishes and positive thoughts.
tk
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Mary}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Girl I feel your pain...I really do.
God could not be everywhere, so
Thank you. I do need to vent because that's all I really have at the moment. You're right about the meds. I couldn't live with myself if I didn't do everything I could t avoid them during pregnancy because we don't know what they will find down the road. Just because there aren't overt birth defects we have no idea what else will show up later in life. Research is starting to tie some learning disabilities to various things that happened in the womb or infancy. I know my husband is right, some days it just makes me feel restricted and controlled and angry.
Mary
Thanks for understanding. I'm still annoyed with my pdoc because he didn't tell me what to expect from the effexor withdrawal. He figured that since he had me taper from 225 to 0 over the course of 5 days that would be fine. I wouldn't have ended up wasting 12 hours in an ER if he'd admitted it was his med. Of course I'm annoyed about everything these days.
And I do know that my friend is just trying to help. She has her own world view and is trying to be upbeat and optimistic. It's not her fault that I'm sooooo not in an optimistic mood at the moment.
Mary