Hi. Caution long with Big-Big Triggers
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| Mon, 12-11-2006 - 2:29am |
Hi. I posted once or twice a couple months ago. Things have been going along decently until recently. I'm having some very difficult life situations/issues right now. I stopped taking my medication when I ran out, because I kept putting off getting it refilled. Then, we were suppose to start TTC this month, and since I was doing decently, I decided to wait on starting back up on the Lexapro and only go back on it if I HAVE to.
1- my birth dad is in the hospital with Endstageliver disease, not doing so well at 5% functioning of liver and not looking so good with the transplant thing
2- my greatgranny is in the hospital with a metal hip ball joint replacement as she fell, not doing so well Dr said be prepared for her not returning home
3- I have to drop out of a program where I would be finished in July and could work from home as a Medical Transcriptionist. I have to quit so I can go back to work full time and make better $$$$$$$ than I would with that job. Since I have big student loans.
4- each year, over the past three years, we have postponed TTC for various logical reasons. I did conceive last dec, but lost it Feb 14, 2006. We were suppose to start TTC this month but now we have to postpone for financial reasons (no one highers a pregnant woman, no maternity leave for first year at new job)
5- I have no relationship with my mother (she's verbally abusive, I think she might be a *bad* bipolar).
6-I asked DH why everyone else can do it, like him and BM with DSD. I got home from being 3hrs away and it was 11pm when I got home, DH was in bed. Didn't wait up. He can stay up til 2am playing video games though. DH said just be as mad as I want at him, that he's sorry I have to work like everyone else.. (I never raised my voice or said that I can't work, I just asked if I should bother going back to school tomorrow to finish the last two weeks of this semester or just say screw it and not go. Then I asked about the postponing the TTC. I didn't say I was all mad at him or anything.)
7- so that made me cry, DHs response. I cried. This resulted in my vomitting. When I cry more than a sniffle I throw up. When I throw up, I'm incontinent. So I'm vomitting and pee'ing all over myself. Of course I cry more.
8- When I came out of the bathroom from #7, DH was at the door and DH got mad that I was upset about postponing and said I was blaming him, he didn't deserve the way he has been treated, yelled at me, then again said he didn't care if I was mad at him. He yelled at me that "I am speaking to you XYro, ANSWER ME". I was walking from the bathroom where I vomitted to the other bathroom to get mouthwash and brush my teeth. I was trying NOT to cry so I would not throw up again. I answered him "okay" and shut the other bathroom door.
As I was brushing my teeth, those thoughts started coming back into my head. Cut yourself. Take a bottle full of pills and just go to sleep.
I don't like pain. I don't want to cut myself. It would hurt. I don't want to die either! I cant tell DH because it would be "manipulative" and I just don't want him knowing. --the last time we were at odds, he sent me an email threatening to kill himself. Later he admitted that he said that just to 'get to me'.
I don't play those games,and I am not about to start. I don't scream, I don't yell. I don't threaten suicide. I don't intentionally manipulate. I DO try to sit down and discuss problems and communicate.
IF I did do *IT*, I'm not the kind to threaten with it. I get 'serene' and peaceful. I smile, I nod, I get compliant. Then I do it. At least that is how it happened when I was a teen and the other time I had THOSE thoughts. I did not go around telling people, threatening with it, using it as a way to manipulate.
Right now, I DON"T want to do it. I am not saying that I do. I DON'T WANT these thoughts in my head. They just slipped back in again.

You have a lot of stress happening. Doesn't sound like in this post that your dh is very supportive of your bipolar. IMHO...I have to say it doesn't seem like a new born baby would help right now. This is your life and only you can decide to have a baby or not but can I ask...how do plan to care for it with all you are already going through...just a thought. I am not downing you in anyway, just see the stress you already have.
Reaching out for help is not ' manipulative' it is a positive thing to do. If saying you want to die is how you feel you should be able to tell someone that...your dh, us, a hotline, someone.
I hope things get better for you. Keep coming and posting.
Do you have a pdoc? You need to get back on meds. There are meds that are pretty safe to take during pregnancy and TTC, but you need to talk to the doc about it.
Tina
~ Tina ~
Thanks for your reply. No, I don't have a Pdoc or a Tdoc. I have been on Lexapro 20mg since around 2001 for depression/anxiety. I really don't even know if I am 'truly' Bipolar even. The nurse at my GP gave me a BP screener and said I that I 'screened positive for BP and am most likely BP'. She gave me a prescription for Seroquel. She then told me to go find a Psychiatrist. I took the one week supply of seroquel, that made me float, then got a refill from the GP along with my Lexapro. I stopped the Seroquel because it can't be taken while TTC/pregnant, and I had already told them that I was TTC.
I should go back on the Lexapro, I suppose. It makes me ... well like,when I am taking it regularly things that would normally upset a person just slides off my back. Everything is 'whatever'. But that makes everyone else happy, right?
I tried to cut myself on my arm this morning. Just to see what it would be like. The razor thing was so dull, one of those tool things that I was using to cut up the carpet.It didn't cut the skin. It just left 1 in long pink lines. I'm such a wuss, I cant even cut the skin. I like looking at it though. I use to use a stick to beat the side of my leg to make a bruise when I was a teenager. The dull ache was sort of relieving. The sharp pain of a cut is scarey, so I can't pull that off.
I'm scared of going back to work full time. I'm scared that I'm going to flip up and down, or that people are going to look at me.
Sometimes I am SUCH an excellent employee. I work hard, super hard, super late and do more than a normal person. But then, I 'burnout' and can't function for a period of time. That's one of the reasons I thought it would be so great to work from home. Guess that's not going to happen.
Did I? heh. NOPE. I got my refill of Lexapro, and ran.
I never thought of this as si, but when I was a kid in school I would take a wooden pencil and bite down HARD on the metal end around the eraser and that sensation of biting on that metal piece would help me control the jittery/agitated/out of control feelings. It wasn't until "anonymous" talked about the "The dull ache was sort of relieving" that it triggered that memory.
In a way thanks "anonymous",
tk