met ect pdoc today - long
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| Mon, 12-11-2006 - 10:03pm |
i went, i saw, i didn't conquer. after sitting in his office for an hour listening to him and sharing my personal history again i left more confused than before i went in. if i got out of it what i think he was saying, i don't think i fit the criteria for "severely depressed." yes, i have dark thoughts, and i've si'd recently, but - and here's the qualifier - i function daily. i get out of bed every morning and go to work. i prepare dinner for me, my mother and my kids, etc.
he explained that the ect only works on the biological side of the depression not the situational depression. this makes sense. but the thing is what's keeping me down and out is situational. this is what i've been trying to tell tdoc and pdoc all along. but this pdoc i saw today seems to think i'm a candidate for the ect as well. i'm afraid that if my depression isn't "severe" enough that the treatment will scramble my brains and i'll come out like some babbling idiot like jack nicholson in one flew over the cuckoos nest.
my 16 yo dd is totally opposed to the idea and is on the brink of a breakdown because i'm even considering it. my mother is for it if it will make me better - that one shocked me. she's old school and doesn't go for the whole psych thing. maybe she's coming around? i don't know.
pdoc said that the memory loss problem is rare in healthy people my age. i would be a little "foggy" for a few days after the treatment, but it would only be memory loss of like the therapy itself and stuff like that. it wouldn't be anything major like memories of children's childhoods or stuff like that. i really am confused as to what to do.
i'm thinking about calling my pdoc tomorrow and setting up a consultation to start titrating off of my meds very slowly and once they're all out of my system start from scratch. that way i would avoid a hospital stay and the ect. because if i decline the ect the only option left is i/p and i wouldn't be able to do that until the summer of 2007 because if the stay is 30 days i don't have that much sick leave available to me and i can't go unpaid. plus i just landed a part time job at the local grocery store and to go i/p now i'd likely lose that job.
so, do i go with ect, go i/p, or slowly go off my meds and start from scratch? my best irl friend made me promise no ect, but that was before i went to the pdoc today. i plan on talking to her tomorrow and bouncing all this off her tomorrow as well. how does one's life get so friggin' complicated?
sorry this got so long. thanks for listening.
traci

me:i went off my meds twice in the last few years went into a frightening manic phase & then hit the inevitable depression that no amount of meds seems to alleviate.long story short.
& as for this dr. who says you aren't severe enough b/c you function.BULL!we gotta do what we gotta if there's noone else to do it even if it's as simple as walking the dog.
it doesn't mean we like it.
see a new dr.
as for what i have heard about memory loss....one guy said he had none...it's just that the memories didn't hurt.
one woman said for a while she had short term memory problems but they didn't last.
having suffered seizures,i know just what she means....& speaking of that it takes a long history of epilepsy to suffer permanent memory loss,so a few seizures isn't gonna do it.
personally,i could care less if i woke up with no memories at all except for the month before.
my h is as against it as your dd is.to me it's a last resort & i'm there.
it's possible i/p that they will encourage it.i was all set except a drug reaction extended my stay till my hospitalization ran out & i didn't want a half/**** job of only 3 sessions.anyway,in my hospital they were giving it left & right.
(TRIGGERS)
Traci,
Even at my most depressed when I was thinking of driving into a semi every morning & afternoon and consciously planning a way to die with the least impact on DD--I always "functioned", but I was an automaton-did what was absolutely necessary & nothing else.
thank you suzi and marci both. i guess i'm no closer now to making the decision then i was last night. i need to talk to my pdoc and see what she thinks now that she has talked to the ect specialist. as for getting a second opinion on the ect, he's the only one in the county that does it. and my pdoc doesn't know anyone to refer me to in the neighboring county.
marci what you said about feeling empty inside made a lot of sense to me. i think in a way i've been trying to convey that to my tdoc for
I've been reading your posts, but I've been afraid to reply because I probably know less than anyone on this board about this stuff. However, whenever I read one of your posts I just want to say...Don't do it. You sound really conflicted, but pretty sure this is the wrong way to go for you. You seem to want someone to offer you another reasonable choice, but aren't getting it. Your doctors don't seem to be responding is a way that actually helps. Can you afford to see another pdoc long enough to get another opinion? I mean one that is completely divorced from the current ones and who can give you an honest and independent opinion? Maybe one that specifically shies away from using ECT, just to hear what he/she has to say?
Your depression sounds like mine. I get depressed to the point where I have a lot of suicidal thoughts, lots of dark intrusive stuff and even some psychotic delusional stuff. However, I always manage to get up and at least do the stuff I feel I *have* to do, like take care of my four year old and do basic chores. It's been a huge part of my life since I was a teenager (over 20years now) and though I sometimes have hope it will go away I don't think I could honestly say I'd agree to the course of treatment that has been suggested to you.
As far as the inpatient option. Is there someone at work (HR) that you can talk to confidentially about your benefits? A lot of work places have special programs in place for serious issues like yours. I had a friend at a large company once that was on the verge of getting fired over absences and it turned out he had severe depression and a problem with prescription meds due to a serious headache condition. When he owned up to the manager what was really going on the company ended up paying for most of his inpatient care and giving him 3/4 pay for the time he was out. It's worth a try if that's a route you're more comfortable with.
Mary
thanks for your input mary. i actually talked to my regular pdoc today and she offered up another solution - an maoi inhibitor patch. but i did research on the med and unfortunately i'd not only would i have to go off my meds but i'd also have to get rid of my water bed. the patch can't come into any direct contact with heaat like waterbeds, heating pads, electric blankets, etc.
as for my employer, there is a "sick leave bank" that we have for extended absences. the only problem with that is it only kicks in after you've missed 30 consecutive days of work. no exceptions. they can't fire me, they just won't pay me once my leave runs out. and i can't afford to take unpaid leave.
pdoc is going to call ect doc and talk to him. then she's going to call me and we're going to go from there. i was able to bounce my i/p idea off of her and she seemed open to that idea. so we'll see what happens after she talks to the ect doc. i still don't know what i'm doing. my ex keeps messing with my head. and that's just making everything worse. i also meet with tdoc tomorrow so i'm hoping that will help. my thoughts have just been so dark lately and i haven't been living up to the terms of my contract 'cause i haven't been calling her. so i'll probably catch *(#% for that tomorrow. but oh well.
we'll see what shakes out from here. thanks again for your input. and don't worry about jumping in. you're here and have as much voice as anyone else here. it doesn't matter if you've been here a day or a year. anyone's input is always welcome. thanks again.
traci