Manic and Destructive
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Manic and Destructive
| Wed, 12-13-2006 - 10:23am |
I have been manic for the past 3 days. It started in Friday when i went out for dinner I have one drink with dinner then all day shopping on Saturday. I havent eaten anything but jello and drink. All I wanna do is go to the store or bar and drink till i pass out.I have had sex with at the very least 8 people since 12.08 and 2 people last night and given a BJ do just bout anyone who showed a glimmer of intrest. I havent slept more than an hour or two a night since Friday.Im not proud of myself but i feel like i am being dragged by my hair.I just want more and more. More sex more alcohol and more highs. I just want more and Im trying to fight but its so easy to give in and it feels good to give in to the mania. I feel free and beautiful and like i can conquer the world. I want this feeling to continue but i know the crash is coming and i want to do whatever i can to keep this high.

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I am SOOO pissed right now. My so-called friend has been extremly high handed in this whole thing.I mean fine,im manic, big deal!!! I havent been majorly-manic in a while and you would think i was off skinning little children over a open flame!!!!
They sat there a talked about me like i wasnt even there. There all...your trigger is alcohol..you cant drink...you cant go to the club and dance cause there's alcohol there and its potentially sexually charges atmo.....blah blah blah. So i just sat there and BAM! now im despondant and disconnected(I just cant win) So what do they do..huh!!what. They double teamed me. The sneaky bastards!!!! She faxed a note to my job and told them i had to be off work until a follow up on next Tuesday!!NEXT TUESDAY!!! I mean people.I DO have deadlines and a life here!! But nooooooo.... they dont listen to me just treat me like prisioner...
This sucks. The warden took my keys and cell phone. All i have is this computer.I did have plans tonite...But my plans dont amount to much when im dealing with Stalin-esque control-freaks. So the traitor and my traitor doc decided i should stay with him in a calm environment( Calm my ass!!)And i have to go see the psycho-babble doc everyday execpt Sunday until i go back to doc...And they think im the crazy one. I strongly protest!!
He is worried about you irulane....it may seem like Stalin-esque measures and while I can see 2 or 3 different sexual partners a night as being fun, it isn't great for your health and your reputation. Some day you will come down from this manic and be REALLY disgusted with yourself...you already were the day you drove back to the office after lunch crying the whole way. These other guys you have been hooking up with LOVE you manic....they don't care about YOU (ask yourself this, where the heck are they when you're crashed and don't feel like coming out of your room for nothin')(HUH, where are they?)....this guy cares about YOU....you will value that later.
Not to sound like a parent or some co-conspirator in your gulag lock down, but have you been using protection from STD's in this manic sexual frenzy? That is when this kind of behavior can be detrimental to your health. I am not preaching here and trust me, if I hadn't had the friends I had, I could have very easily become you....the stars were starting to align for me to head this way....I happened to meet the lady who is now my DW before I got to far down that path. I still have problems with my sex drive though and like I said, I DO know where you are coming from.
I also can pretty well picture how this appointment went....there is no love lost between you and the docs, I can sense that. You REALLY need to find a tdoc and pdoc you can trust, that is the only way you can start being honest with them and get this under control. NOT what you want to hear right now, you just want to feel the way you did this weekend, you were quite abit more "reasonable" and "coherent" when you started this thread. I can tell by the tone of this post you are flying right now and let me guess "YOU HATE AUTHORITY" even in the BEST of times. I am the same, crap like this would have sent me into a rage like you wouldn't believe (well maybe you guys on this board would), but after the crash, when I was back to somewhat baseline, I would see this was for the best.
Keep us posted, we will try and get you through this and hopefully to a gentle landing...
tk
It is not fair that i should be locked up and my freedom taken away from me. That is inhumane. He wont let me in my IM so i cant talk to any of my friends. I dont see how thats in my best intrest.
And yes maybe they werent there for the bad bits, but at least they treat me like a normal human being and not a fragile little nut job. They don't treat me like i am broken and ask me " have you taken your medi's" whenever I have a bad day. WIth them a bad day is just a bad day...Not a sign that the sky is falling. And yes i used protection w/most of them. Im not naive and i dont see a "frenzy".
As far as the doc's are concerned..there all the same. Drug toting white coated pill pushers. My warden says he cares what happens to me but i think its just a ploy to make himself feel better if he thinks he can fix me like one of his stupid engines. I want them to let me be so I can just have fun. I cant sit still and i just wanna explode. I have this ball of hate/frustration knotting itself in my stomach and its getting bigger and bigger. I ran 3 miles on the treadmill and i cant stand being stuck in these four wall. I may be a nut but they make it worse. My skin is crawling and my legs feel restless. I just need to get out of here and go somewhere else.
He just sits there looking all concerned at me. ALL FREAKING DAY LONG!!It makes me wanna spoon his eyes out its soooo annoying. Do want anything? Are you hungrey? Cold? Thirsty? Wanna watch movie?? Its getting on my nerves and i just need to get outta my skin. He wont even let me take a freakin shower with the door closed!!! I mean you try to knock yourself off a few times and all of sudden no one trusts you...lol Maybe he cares. I dont really have anymore nails to chew and i wanna tear up some paper so bad but that would make me look evenn more nutty...just into strips ..relieve the tension you know. the sound comforts me. maybe i am nuts. maybe there are like cashews or almonds in my brain. Sorta like a trail mix....LOL
I know im rambling, too many thoougts and tehy have no were to go anymore. If Hitler lets me on tomorrow maybe i post. have a lovely night everyone.Dont worry i will be back to broring in no time.
Hang in there....we've all been through the can't sit still, anger/hate/frustration volcanoe building in the guts, skin crawling, just wanting to get out and DO something, anything even if it is wrong. Unfortunately there is ALWAYS the crash, and I will still stand behind my statement yesterday, these so called friends that are your "best buds" when your manic are not really friends. I have found that out the hard way....these types friends are there hoping they'll get lucky, soaking up the money we spend (probably even making suggestions on what to spend money on), and take advantage of our manic bp personality. NO they don't bug you about "Have you taken your meds", they LIKE you this way....but when we enevitably crash, and we do, even when we try our hardest to keep the manic going (trust me, I know, I was to the point of drinking almost every day myself) we STILL crash. Also these "drinking buddies" will take offense at things we say without thinking, will talk about us behind our backs and generally make our life miserable in the long run BTDT.
The friends that stick with you through the rough times are the ones you will still have when you get old (pushing 40, I remember when I thought that was OLLLDDDD). I have very few of those, but they are ones I have known since school days. You can hate him all you want, he really DOES care about you, even if he is driving you NUTS right now.
My DS told me one day at around 5 yo that he "Needed a brain transplant", when we asked him why, he said "because it tells me to do strange things"....I thought that was pretty insightful for a 5 yo....anyway, your comment on your brain maybe being a trailmix triggered that memory. LOL. Thought you might appreciate that. LOL.
Try not to do anything REALLY bad, like skinning children, and ride this out....like you said, you'll be back to boring in no time and I bet there will be very little sign of all your drinking buddies until your next manic....or them trying to get you out to clubs and get you manic again.
tk
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