Is there anything I can do?
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| Thu, 12-14-2006 - 10:05pm |
My name is Erin. I'm 30 years old. My husband (Ryan-32) and I have been married almost 9 years. We have 5 children.
I'm here about my husband. I love this man so very much that sometimes it hurts. Literally. He's never been diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, but I honestly think he may be bipolar; either that or manic depressive. I'm kind of leaning towards bipolar though because he doesn't have the extreme "highs" that I've read about with manic. I've done research on different things and he seems to fit bipolar the best from what I understand.
He's a very angry person. He can be nice and act happy, but I don't think he is, deep inside. He gets angry over the strangest things, and I've noticed a pattern over the years that keeps recurring. Every once in a while (it used to be every few months, but it's lessened a bit) he just needs to fight with me. He picks and picks and picks. At first I gave in and fought, because I was young and stubborn and I had to be right. We fought all the time. Once I realized the pattern, I decided that I would rather be happy than be right. I tried to ignore his temper tantrums. He would be in a foul mood and pick fights with me every day until it finally exploded into one big huge fight where either it got physical (on both our parts, unfortunately) or one of us left. Then he'd be ok for a while. It was like he just had to get it out of his system. This last time, we went almost a year without a big fight. I just decided that I was not going to let my home be a war zone. Well, about a month ago, it exploded. He was just so... mean. And he never feels bad about it later, even after he's calmed down and we're getting along. He's always convinced that he was justified, no matter what he said or did during these fights. Anyway, as I was driving around at 1:00 in the morning, in the dense fog, crying my eyes out and contemplating if I should even go back, I realized that he finally got his big blow up, and I thought at least now he'll be ok. Well, he's not. Ever since then, we've had spurts where we get along, then he's mad. Over nothing. Two nights ago, he got mad at me, and I tried so very hard to keep it a conversation and not let it be an argument. I kept my voice calm, I used the more non-threatening body language I could use, and I was extremely careful of what I said as to not stir anything up. He just acted like he was 5. I could go into a lot of detail, some of it may be relevant - some not, but I really don't know what else to say.
What it boils down to is this: I think he needs help, but he won't even hear it. It's like trying to tell an alcoholic that you think they're an alcoholic. I finally got him to go to a doctor about his anger, and she ended up diagnosing him with RLS (restless leg syndrome) and saying he was just grumpy because he wasn't getting enough sleep. Well, he's been on meds for the RLS for a year and he's still grumpy.
If he does have Bipolar Disorder, what can I do? How do you deal with someone who is irrational and angry and won't even hear what you have to say?
I really hope nobody takes from this that my husband is a total jerk. I know that what I've said sounds bad, but he really is a wonderful provider and he loves me and our kids. I know he does, he just has a lot of anger and I don't know why.
~Erin
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I am not a doc, but your husband strongly sounds bipolar (bp and manic depression are the same thing). If he doesn't get the highs, then he's bp type II.
First, he has to admit he has a problem, even if it is not bp, because it is clear he DOES have a problem. It can be very hard to get people to admit this. Problem is, if that he does not admit he has a problem and needs help, and even thinks he's justified no matter what he does in a fight, then YOU have a problem! Living with an untreated bipolar can range from just plain hellish to downright dangerous (here I should point out that only 3% of the mentally ill ever become violent). But if you have had physical fights and you really think there is no hope of him admitting a problem, then perhaps you should look into battered spouse counseling.
My own story is that I was dxed bp thirteen years ago. I had no problems accepting treatment because I had a psychotic episode that scared the cr@p out of me, and I wanted to do whatever was possible to be healthy and function, as well as not to have to live my life locked up in some mental ward.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
Your dh has anger issues and that doesn't always mean someone is bipolar if they have anger issues....though he could be. He needs to see a psychiatrist to be diagnosed properly.
Whether or not someone is bipolar or not we don't need nor should we tolorate abuse. He is abusive to you, period.
~ Tina ~
My husband and I took the Jung test that I found posted here. These were our results:
Me:
Extroverted (E) 53.57% Introverted (I) 46.43%
Sensing (S) 54.84% Intuitive (N) 45.16%
Feeling (F) 58.82% Thinking (T) 41.18%
Judging (J) 55.88% Perceiving (P) 44.12%
ESFJ - "Seller". Most sociable of all types. Nurturer of harmony. Outstanding host or hostesses. 12.3% of total population.
ESFJ
does not like being alone, thinks life has purpose/meaning, organized, values organized religion, outgoing, social, does not like strange people/things - likely intolerant of differences, open, easy to read, dislikes science fiction, values relationships and families over intellectual pursuits, group oriented, follows the rules, affectionate, planner, regular, orderly, clean, finisher, religious, consults others before acting, content, positive, loves getting massages, complimentary, dutiful, loving, considerate, altruistic
We both agreed that it was pretty much right on.
Him:
ntroverted (I) 80.77% Extroverted (E) 19.23%
Intuitive (N) 68.97% Sensing (S) 31.03%
Thinking (T) 70.27% Feeling (F) 29.73%
Perceiving (P) 60.53% Judging (J) 39.47%
INTP - "Architect". Greatest precision in thought and language. Can readily discern contradictions and inconsistencies. The world exists primarily to be understood. 3.3% of total population.
INTP
loner, more interested in intellectual pursuits than relationships or family, wrestles with the meaninglessness of existence, likes esoteric things, disorganized, messy, likes science fiction, can be lonely, observer, private, can't describe feelings easily, detached, likes solitude, not revealing, unemotional, rule breaker, avoidant, familiar with the darkside, skeptical, acts without consulting others, does not think they are weird but others do, socially uncomfortable, abrupt, fantasy prone, does not like happy people, appreciates strangeness, frequently loses things, acts without planning, guarded, not punctual, more likely to support marijuana legalization, not prone to compromise, hard to persuade, relies on mind more than on others, calm
Again, we both agreed it was pretty on spot for him.
I do agree that your husband does have anger issue problems. There is no excuse for him being abusive to you.There is no excuse for either of you to physically hurt each other.
To the person that said that if a person does not have highs or what is called mania, that is bipolarII. I'm afraid that is incorrect info.The difference between I and II is the amount of highs and the duration. And there are other issues that help to diagnose the diff.
I think what you're seeing in your husband is classic abuse. Now there may be other things going on but that is def. there.
I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but you need to see that. Don't stay in a situation where you're being hurt.(you didn't mention children. Hopefully if you have any you will protect them.
Anger problems can stem from both the high/manic side of BP, but also from the low/depressed side--although usually more just irritable on the low side.
My father is a classic (although never dx'd) BP-1 and his rages and abuse were hell to live with.
Thank you all for the information you've given me. I am reading the links and this board to find out as much as I can.
I will check back often.
Thanks again.
~Erin