Advice- please!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Advice- please!!
2
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 5:08pm

I broke up with my boyfriend who I really love quite a bit because my moods are INSANE again. I broke up with him... about 48 hours ago. Or less. I do this to him all the time, except usually within 12 hours I'm back to "we're back together I'm sorry I love you" etc. This time though I took all my stuff out of his apartment and left the next morning. It was actually like 4 am when I said we were breaking up. Well, he left the next morning before I did and I haven't been able to find him since. I just need to talk to him!!

It's not fair to him to get back together again. It's not fair for him to deal with me. The thing is, I work mornings and he works nights so I know the earliest time I'll be able to talk to him is Tuesday and I'm dying to get some reassurance that we're still friends and that we can still do things together.

I'm going crazy. I want to cut myself again but I can't find the right razor, the one that works. I can't find anything that works and I'm scared of scissors because I don't want to go too deep and end up in the hospital. And now I'm back home with my parents who make me even crazier because 1. my dad hates me since I'm bipolar and 2. my mom pities me so much for being bipolar I just want to cry looking at her.

I'm just such a mess right now. I need to be hugged and loved but I don't have that anymore. I don't like to be touched but for some reason it was ok with my bf. It's like I want him but I don't want him. It's like everything in my life- a mess!!

I know some of you must have experiences with this. Please help me. I honestly don't want to go on right now.

PS- sorry I've been gone so long. how are all of you doing? I'm doing my best to stay out of the hospital before xmas. I'm on the med-go-round again. Right now I'm on 1600 tegretol 80 geodon 125 topamax and 4 klonopin. And I'm back to thinking bipolar isn't real and I'm just a disaster of a person... without a loving boyfriend. And it's my fault!! I'm such an idiot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 7:54pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Fri, 12-15-2006 - 10:24pm

Marci... he called tonight and he sounded angry. Or just very short. And I was in the car with my whole family and I have social anxiety too so I was too shy to be like "we can still be friends, right?" and all that.

My problem is that I don't like to be touched by people (for some reason he's an exception) so now I don't get hugs at all. I need affection. I wish I weren't alive. Honestly, I get the feeling my life is going to be one of this "why bother" sort of ones. The first 20 years certainly have been.

Thanks for your support. I really do need it.