Boyfriend is miserable....Please help!
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Boyfriend is miserable....Please help!
| Sun, 12-17-2006 - 5:30pm |
I am hoping that someone out there may have some advice for me. I am a 27 yo single female and I have been dating my bf for 12 years. We have one child, a son, and a daughter on the way. Since my bf graduated college in 1999 he has been out of his mind. We got pregnant young and he didn't want to keep the baby but I chose to anyways. Since then I have had most responsibilities on me as far as the parenting goes. He tries but wasn't brought up in a stable home and doesn't seem to understand how to parent a child. He gets very angry and loses his patience on a daily basis. I have been dealing with this for 7 years now. I am trying to be strong for him and our family but I don't know what is wrong. He has a history of mental illness in his family...a sister with severe depression, grandmother who was schitzophrenic and a mother who was extremely abusive. He is verbally abusive to me daily and especially now that we are having our second child. He is upset and feels I betrayed him and doesn't seem to understand that once again it takes two to tango. 2 years ago he pushed me and i put a restraining order on him....hoping that would scare him a little bit. It killed him. He cried for days to his sister about how he needed his family back or he would kill himself. I came home with the ultimatum that he would get hekp or i couldn't stay in the relationship. He then started therepy and that lasted about 2 months seeing the doctor every other week before dropping out. In 2 years, he has not put his hands on me again but continues to be verbally abusive. I was 18 when I got pregnant with our son and didn't attend college, however I have never not worked and have always contributed to our household as far as bills and day care. He refuses to get a joint account, he buys brand new trucks every 2 years, he goes out with his friends 2 nights a week....but I am always the bad guy because i don't do enough....because i ruined his life. If I didn't know this man for 4 years before he graduated college, I would have left a long time ago. However, I am still in love with the man i met 12 years ago and I know he is in there somewhere. I am full of faith. What can i do to convince him that our family is worth getting help for...individual counceling, family counceling...whatever I have to do. I even went to therepy for 2 years and was released because I was fine. I know I am not the real problem here but how do I convince him that something isn't right without hurting his feelings. I am so in love with this man and I want our family to be 'normal' again.
Please help.
Please help.


He may or may not have a mental illness, but what he does have is a lot of immaturity & anger issues.
My heart goes out to you because I have btdt. I met my dd's dad when I was 14 and we started dating when we were 16. We were together for 12 years before I finally ended it for good. It was the hardest thing I ever did in my whole life. It was like losing a limb. He was such a big part of my life and I loved him so very much. He was neglectful and emotionally unavailable for me. I tried and tried to make it right. To make him love me and make him be a good father...didn't work. Why didn't it work? Because you can't make someone do what you want or be who you want them to be. They have to want it. What sucks is having to admit when the one you love doesn't REALLY want what you want. They may say they do but their actions speak louder then words.
I am a little confused about your post. Is your bf bipolar? Are you wondering if he can be? Are you looking for relationship advice? I can't tell you what to do sweetie. I can only tell you my experience with this same kind of situation. My ex was abused by his dad. Kicked out when he was 10 in the cold once and thrown down stairs and got a broken arm. His mom was threatened that if she helped him she would get killed. It was a bad situation he grew up in. His mom finally left this man but she then let him do whatever he wanted along with his sisters and brothers. He never really learned how to parent either. Our dd is now 17 and she lives with him. He still doesn't know how to parent. She lived with me for most of her life but wanted to be with her dad for reasons to long to explain. He has not changed.
The best thing I ever did for myself was letting go of trying to change him and moving on to change myself. It is good you went to therapy for yourself. What came out of it? What goals did you set for yourself in counseling? Maybe going back for yourself might help with dealing with these relationship issues.
>>>>>What can i do to convince him that our family is worth getting help for...individual counceling, family counceling...whatever I have to do<<<<< You cannot make him do any of these things. If he won't do it then that is him telling you he doesn't want to work on your family issues.
The only thing you can do is ask and if he says no then that is his answer. I am sure you have asked many times. I am sure you have told him how important he is to you and your family together and how much YOU want to see it all work out. Only to not get what you want from him in return.
You are still very young. I know you grew up with him and you never loved anyone like this before. He is your first true love. That is a hard thing to let go of. If he won't give you what you need and is verbally abusive to you on a daily basis...why do you stay? Because you love him, I know, but what are you getting out of this relationship? Abusive people break our spirits. They keep us down so that we aren't at our full potential in life. You deserve to be happy and have your needs met. You don't deserve to be abused, no matter how much you love this man. Have you ever heard of Co-dependency? You
~ Tina ~
Marci-
I too know what it is like to grow up in an abusive family and around abusive people. I don't think too many women who are abused feel it hurts their kids. I think they think it only affects them. I am not saying all abused woman feel this way. Kids know what is going on, they aren't stupid and it affects them so much. Like you and I, we ended up in abusive relationships because of our childhood experience with abuse. My heart goes out to kids in this kind of environment. It just breaks my heart because they can't decide to just leave. They have to stay because the parent decides to stay and put up with it. I am not saying it is easy in any way to leave an abuser because they have you in their trap, but there is so much help these days to help abused women get out of the situation...thank God there is that help. This just touches a sore spot in me that's all. I know
~ Tina ~