Ever feel jealous... (trigs)
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| Mon, 12-18-2006 - 10:11am |
of so called "normal" people?. Actually I call them "happy" people. Perhaps it's "normal" to be bubbly and happy all the time. Or am I just bitter? I feel so envious watching them, laughing and talking and BELONGING. What a dream!
They restructured work last week and I got demoted two grades (I was at senior level-now I am one level up from beginner) because I don't "mentor new people". I am afraid of normal/happy people. I start babbling like an idiot and annoy everyone I come into contact with. I have heard them in the bathroom discussing how weird I am. I am so ashamed I can't even look at my co-workers. I feel like a piece of trash. I tend to make an absolute fool out of myself. I am too emotional. The managers don't like that about me either. At the moment I am totally unable to control my emotions--they just burst out no matter how much I try to "suck it in". Also I don't do my job the same way the other seniors do theirs even though I always exceed the standards. So I will never get another raise again because my salary exceeds the max for this much lower level. It appears that my job only offers rewards and raises to the bubbly, happy people because all of the other seniors got a higher level placement than me, even though my actual performance results are just as good as theirs. It's unfortunate for me that getting ahead is now based almost totally on personality rather than performance. This is new because I used to shine here. That is probably everywhere now I guess. I feel like I have nothing to strive for anymore. This has put me into a nasty anger and depression funk--probably not helped by my still raging hormones! :(
To top it off my financial situation is becoming much more of a strain. My DH would not listen to my warnings about curbing spending and continued to buy whatever he wanted without telling me. He assumes that EVERY concern I have is panic and deliberately ignores me now. Told me yesterday how much he hates our house and how miserable he is there. I am not sure this marriage is going to survive. My mother feeds off every argument we have and tells the entire family about every one of them. Almost gleefully. I swear she is TRYING to break us up. She is always making nasty, snide remarks about him to me. At least 15 times a day she has something nasty to say about him. I am SO SICK OF IT. But what bothers me, is she is telling everyone else nasty things about him too. The whole family-even her friends. We had a huge blow-up about it yesterday. I completely lost control and started screaming and throwing things. I couldn't stop crying which made me start cramping up. She wouldn't stop yelling and saying mean things about my DH. After every sentence she would rush off to my dad's room to report what I said and I am not exaggerating! I can't take much more of this. I am not sure what to do right now. I wish I could get my parents out of my house but they totally dependent on us. I can't continue to live like this...I'm not sure I want to continue to live at all. I am at rock bottom worse than ever. I don't think this is all illness, and I don't think this is all self-pity. I think I have a right to be upset, but I must admit my way of handling each situation is not the best. I have run out of hope.
Sorry so grim...
Jodie

I think alot of those happy/bubbly people are just covering it up.
God could not be everywhere, so