newish here

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
newish here
4
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 5:00am

Hi, I've stopped by once before as "anonymousidforme". I have been not working for about 6months. I left my last job due to stress. Its like my body doesn't have the normal stress coping stuff or something. I make some sort of big decisions really sponaneously too (like leaving the job, moving, stuff like that).

I'm sure you all don't remember me, so just recapping an introduction. I haven't been "officially diagnosed" with BP. Around 1998 I got Paxil from a Dr at the campus clinic (university) for anxiety. No real evaluation. Kept refilling for a couple years. Then went to a GP referred by a friend where I was given Lexapro and told I had depression/anxiety and fibromyalgia. Stress was getting harder and harder for me to handle physically, lot of pain and stuff. Anyways, Lexapro seemed to help with the depression part of things. I kept getting refills of that up until a few months ago. I'd moved and married, and for awhile was still getting Lexapro script refills from the GP in my home state, and having the refills called in to a pharmacy here (teehee). So, to make a long story short, I got 'caught' because I got a GP here and they wouldn't refill it again until I went back in to see them. I saw a NP, who gave me a 'bp screening' and said for me to start taking Seroquel and find a psychiatrist. ((yeaaaah never happened)) I did take the Seroquel, but I stopped because it made my legs feel wierd! AND because I was wanting to have a baby. SO Right now I have totally come off both meds for over a month. It's 3:37am btw. I can not go to sleep at nights. But I can sleep aaaall day long after I do fall asleep. Every muscle in my body is really tense, my shoulders, neck, jaw, all the time.

I've been procrastinating about the psychiatrist thing. I know.

I was going to a little school program for Medical Transcription because I wanted to work from home (so I could have an income, but not have to deal with people and stress), but I really need to have an income because our bills almost equal my husbands wages, so we're scraping by right now. So.. the last week of the semester I just stopped going to class. I figured wth go when I wasnt going to get to finish the program. I'm suppose to be looking for a 'better paying job' because I have a Bachelor's degree and student loans. The work from home job would have only paid around 200$ a week. The thing is I am terrified of really going and getting a job. My field was social work. I don't want to be responsible for the lives of fosterkids. I'm terrified of the liability. I've seen the birth mothers with BP diagnosis and how they are regarded by the social workers and courts, having to have "safeguards in place" and all that stuff. I'm terrified of the label so I haven't gone to a psychiatrist either.

I'm not a lazy slug I swear. I DO want to have an income and contribute financially. I'm just terrified of going back to work 'out there'. I think I've blown it with the tech school program from just not going back the last two weeks too. Plus, my husband thinks I wouldn't make enough money at it. My SIL does it and she is making around $200 a week.

I have fogginess, confusion, forgetfulness, when I was working full time, I spent hours and hours making lists and revising the lists. I get sick alot too, like flu-ishy sort of feeling. Then there's this insomnia. Over the years its gotten harder and harder to get up "on time" in the mornings. Then, when I get really stressed (which happens really easily) I start having these horrible thoughts that I don't like.

I don't know what to do. Maybe I could try to get back to the school program and work part time at a general little job that doesn't have responsbility and stress but I have all these student loans hanging over my head. So far I've put them off, but not much longer. I can't just work a little job and pay the huge amount that is going to be due every month (like $600+)!! BUT I just CAN'T go back to Social Work.

I had this one situation where a foster mother was REALLY rude to me, and I ended up crying in the car and refusing to go into the meeting. I'd just had a miscarriage at that point too. It was only a couple weeks after that when I quit that job.

The question looming in my head is "do i have BP?" If I didn't, would the stupid Nurse Practitioner have given me Seroquel? That'd be pretty stupid to do wouldn't it?

I had an interview scheduled for yesterday, I didn't go to it. How do I tell my husband how terrified I am of what will happen? when I was working full time I was sooo on edge all the time.

I want to work and make money, enough to cover the student loans and still have enough to contribute to the household bills and such. I just can't do social work. I can't. I told him I would, but I can't. What if something happened. Not only that, I just can't handle it. All my experience is in social work. Everywhere Ive looked has to have experience, which I don't. I can't do the front office receptionist sort of job. Geez, I get irritable and agitated and as hard as I try, I have never been able to keep it from showing. I get real distant, quiet, and an agitated facial expression. I've tried to fake through it but I haven't succeeded so far.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
In reply to: anna_ljns
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 3:09pm

(((((Anna))))),


Please quit delaying seeing the pdoc, if for nothing else to confirm the NP dx--I have a hard time with GP's rxing psych meds even more so with just a NP, she may well be correct, but that sort of dx should really only come from a tdoc or pdoc that is properly trained to do so.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
In reply to: anna_ljns
Sat, 12-30-2006 - 4:32pm

Thanks Marci, I've done the deferments over and over while I was in school, then when unemployeed. I'd thought I'd deferred the stupid thing but apparently the last time I forgot to sign the online thing with my pIn, and they've gone into default. I really need to take care of that. But even getting one more deferral, they'll still come due to a point where I can't keep putting them off. Mines around $60+K too.

Talked to DH about the job thing. He doens't get it. He says nothing to worry about, its normal, don't be scared, there's nothing to be afraid of, blah blah blah. He doesn't get that I'm not afraid of work, I'm afraid of 'whacking out' at work. ugh. perhaps if I didn't do so well controlling myself at home, he'd see and understand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
In reply to: anna_ljns
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 2:01am
Hi Anna, I haven't been on this board very long myself since I just found it not too long ago. So, Welcome! // I find you posting full of 'red flags' and can read many of my own problems right in with many of the things you're referring to. I have also read Marci's post and it looks like she and I are following many of the same people who are asking for help. Would you please stop here and read the information in my Personal Profile by clicking on my name on the upper left side of this posting. It may help you understand me a little better. // Now to offer you some of my feed-back. I have sat in group sessions run by a therapists who works with people like you and me as well as others. I've heard many of the other people make comments just like you are, and they often start off by telling how hard it was for them to seek help the first time, then how confused they were about just where to go for that first step. I hope the following may help you in some way: 1) Check with your main County Mental Health Center (if you live in a place that has a good one) to find out just who you can see there or where you can find the help you need 'as you perceive it'. (Please don't try to diagnose yourself or mess around with your meds since many of the things you post are rather serious.) Usually the MHC will take cases and direct 'clients' to the special 'team' who deals with your form of mental health problems. They also often offer a sliding payment scale depending on your income. But you'll have to venture out and get it done no matter how hard you fear doing this since the B/P people like us often have this general fear or are 'emotionally shut down' and don't go. 2) The first person you need to start working with is a qualified therapist who works mainly with 'mental and mood disorder' cases. A 'family needs' therapist isn't qualified. After your main therapist separates out what they can determine as 'your personal mental disorder needs', you'll then be referred to a pDr. for the needed meds. Please don't reverse this set of steps since a pDr. usually doesn't have enough time to handle your 'sessions' as you may need, and they usually cost double that of a therapist. 3) I can understand your frustrations about your employment situation since I now feel that all my acquired and trained for business skills over the past 42 years have gone down the tubes. I'm now unemployable no matter hard want to get back into any form of work. You may have to contact your local Social Security office and have a meeting with a Case Worker to find out just where you stand on being classified as disabled.(a long bunch of paper-work and stuff!!) Also check with your County Services and the Employment (Job Services) office since they will often do a 'work up' on people like us to try to help us fit back into the work-force. I've hired good part-time people from 'Job Services' who did an excellent job for me, but I had to work around their disabilities. 4) About your college and Student Loans, I have no clue about any of that since I'm only a 'high school guy' myself. 5) In reading your 'stew pot' of different symptoms I (not professionally) feel that you may have more going on within you than just one thing. Some of them are B/P without a doubt, but some of the others connect to other disorders that I'm not qulified to comment on, but I feel that you REALLY need a 'full mental work up' by a trained professional and the standard NP isn't qualified. Your regular Dr. is just that, a 'regular Doctor', and he deals with many common things, but your case may be way beyond his time and abilities. Seeing him may be like putting a little band-aid on a badly broken arm. 6) About your current profession, the stress you seem to be having in dealing with it indicates several problems, and only one of them is B/P since I can see myself many years ago the way you are now, but I was also Manic and sometimes beyond that. // I made a print-out of your post and will follow it as the other postings move along. If you want to address any questions directly to me, please do, but I'll only answer them within my personal knowledge and abilities. Good luck!! Tommy
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2006
In reply to: anna_ljns
Mon, 01-01-2007 - 5:00am

Hi Tommy, thank you for your reply and the info/support. I do plan(-ish) to see a pdoc, but I don't see myself going to a therapist/counselor. Luckily I do have good insurance.

I really don't feel comfortable going to therapists at a MH center. I have worked with many of them in relation to kids on my caseload when I was working. I'd hate to run into previous co-workers, fosterparents, or fosterkids that I'd worked with too.

I was halfway through a M.A. in Professional Counseling when I dropped out. Feb '06 I had a miscarriage and dropped out of school. When the nurse at the hospital gave me a pamphlet on grief counseling I realized that I was just done with that and didn't want to do it. I also then finished out a 2wk notice and quit my job too. Luckily I was able to do that at the time financially. However, now its catching up to us and we need a second income to cover 'unexpected stuff'.

I'm sure I can do it, if I can just not keep having the anxiety/panicky.