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| Sat, 12-30-2006 - 5:00am |
Hi, I've stopped by once before as "anonymousidforme". I have been not working for about 6months. I left my last job due to stress. Its like my body doesn't have the normal stress coping stuff or something. I make some sort of big decisions really sponaneously too (like leaving the job, moving, stuff like that).
I'm sure you all don't remember me, so just recapping an introduction. I haven't been "officially diagnosed" with BP. Around 1998 I got Paxil from a Dr at the campus clinic (university) for anxiety. No real evaluation. Kept refilling for a couple years. Then went to a GP referred by a friend where I was given Lexapro and told I had depression/anxiety and fibromyalgia. Stress was getting harder and harder for me to handle physically, lot of pain and stuff. Anyways, Lexapro seemed to help with the depression part of things. I kept getting refills of that up until a few months ago. I'd moved and married, and for awhile was still getting Lexapro script refills from the GP in my home state, and having the refills called in to a pharmacy here (teehee). So, to make a long story short, I got 'caught' because I got a GP here and they wouldn't refill it again until I went back in to see them. I saw a NP, who gave me a 'bp screening' and said for me to start taking Seroquel and find a psychiatrist. ((yeaaaah never happened)) I did take the Seroquel, but I stopped because it made my legs feel wierd! AND because I was wanting to have a baby. SO Right now I have totally come off both meds for over a month. It's 3:37am btw. I can not go to sleep at nights. But I can sleep aaaall day long after I do fall asleep. Every muscle in my body is really tense, my shoulders, neck, jaw, all the time.
I've been procrastinating about the psychiatrist thing. I know.
I was going to a little school program for Medical Transcription because I wanted to work from home (so I could have an income, but not have to deal with people and stress), but I really need to have an income because our bills almost equal my husbands wages, so we're scraping by right now. So.. the last week of the semester I just stopped going to class. I figured wth go when I wasnt going to get to finish the program. I'm suppose to be looking for a 'better paying job' because I have a Bachelor's degree and student loans. The work from home job would have only paid around 200$ a week. The thing is I am terrified of really going and getting a job. My field was social work. I don't want to be responsible for the lives of fosterkids. I'm terrified of the liability. I've seen the birth mothers with BP diagnosis and how they are regarded by the social workers and courts, having to have "safeguards in place" and all that stuff. I'm terrified of the label so I haven't gone to a psychiatrist either.
I'm not a lazy slug I swear. I DO want to have an income and contribute financially. I'm just terrified of going back to work 'out there'. I think I've blown it with the tech school program from just not going back the last two weeks too. Plus, my husband thinks I wouldn't make enough money at it. My SIL does it and she is making around $200 a week.
I have fogginess, confusion, forgetfulness, when I was working full time, I spent hours and hours making lists and revising the lists. I get sick alot too, like flu-ishy sort of feeling. Then there's this insomnia. Over the years its gotten harder and harder to get up "on time" in the mornings. Then, when I get really stressed (which happens really easily) I start having these horrible thoughts that I don't like.
I don't know what to do. Maybe I could try to get back to the school program and work part time at a general little job that doesn't have responsbility and stress but I have all these student loans hanging over my head. So far I've put them off, but not much longer. I can't just work a little job and pay the huge amount that is going to be due every month (like $600+)!! BUT I just CAN'T go back to Social Work.
I had this one situation where a foster mother was REALLY rude to me, and I ended up crying in the car and refusing to go into the meeting. I'd just had a miscarriage at that point too. It was only a couple weeks after that when I quit that job.
The question looming in my head is "do i have BP?" If I didn't, would the stupid Nurse Practitioner have given me Seroquel? That'd be pretty stupid to do wouldn't it?
I had an interview scheduled for yesterday, I didn't go to it. How do I tell my husband how terrified I am of what will happen? when I was working full time I was sooo on edge all the time.
I want to work and make money, enough to cover the student loans and still have enough to contribute to the household bills and such. I just can't do social work. I can't. I told him I would, but I can't. What if something happened. Not only that, I just can't handle it. All my experience is in social work. Everywhere Ive looked has to have experience, which I don't. I can't do the front office receptionist sort of job. Geez, I get irritable and agitated and as hard as I try, I have never been able to keep it from showing. I get real distant, quiet, and an agitated facial expression. I've tried to fake through it but I haven't succeeded so far.

(((((Anna))))),
Please quit delaying seeing the pdoc, if for nothing else to confirm the NP dx--I have a hard time with GP's rxing psych meds even more so with just a NP, she may well be correct, but that sort of dx should really only come from a tdoc or pdoc that is properly trained to do so.
Thanks Marci, I've done the deferments over and over while I was in school, then when unemployeed. I'd thought I'd deferred the stupid thing but apparently the last time I forgot to sign the online thing with my pIn, and they've gone into default. I really need to take care of that. But even getting one more deferral, they'll still come due to a point where I can't keep putting them off. Mines around $60+K too.
Talked to DH about the job thing. He doens't get it. He says nothing to worry about, its normal, don't be scared, there's nothing to be afraid of, blah blah blah. He doesn't get that I'm not afraid of work, I'm afraid of 'whacking out' at work. ugh. perhaps if I didn't do so well controlling myself at home, he'd see and understand.
Hi Tommy, thank you for your reply and the info/support. I do plan(-ish) to see a pdoc, but I don't see myself going to a therapist/counselor. Luckily I do have good insurance.
I really don't feel comfortable going to therapists at a MH center. I have worked with many of them in relation to kids on my caseload when I was working. I'd hate to run into previous co-workers, fosterparents, or fosterkids that I'd worked with too.
I was halfway through a M.A. in Professional Counseling when I dropped out. Feb '06 I had a miscarriage and dropped out of school. When the nurse at the hospital gave me a pamphlet on grief counseling I realized that I was just done with that and didn't want to do it. I also then finished out a 2wk notice and quit my job too. Luckily I was able to do that at the time financially. However, now its catching up to us and we need a second income to cover 'unexpected stuff'.
I'm sure I can do it, if I can just not keep having the anxiety/panicky.