Dating Someone With Bipolar

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Dating Someone With Bipolar
15
Wed, 01-03-2007 - 11:01pm

Hello,

I have recently started dating someone (about 2 months ago) who tells me he was diagnosed with not only bi-polar, but OCD a few years ago. He said that the doctors told him he had one of the worst cases they have ever seen. Just a little background on him, he was married for 9 years as a strict church go'er, and then somehow get into drugs and alcohol. He divorced his wife, and took the drugs to such an extreme that he ended up in the hospital over 30 times. About two years ago, he checked himself into a rehab, and that was when he got diagnosed. He has tried several medications but is currently not on anything. Once graduating rehab, he found this leadership training program that he started which really (to him) changed his life. He feels he has now for the first time in his life found himself, and who he really is. He feels that the bi-polar nor OCD have no effect on him anymore. He however has some different behaviors that i have noticed. Everynight at 8pm it is like someone comes and literally shuts him off. He gets so tired that he can't even keep his eyes open. He will then just "pop" up out of bed without an alarm clock around 5:30-6am every morning. I don't understand it, and must admit that i get frustrated that he goes to bed so early every night. He will also just instantly be able to emotionally check out... to the point where he will say he wants to break up with me and be completely emotionless. Yet the next day he can't quit telling me how much he loves me...... And the difficult part is that he expects me to always be on his same page. He doesn't seem to quite understand why after he emotionally checks out, I have a hard time believing when he professes his love to me the next day.

My question is, are these symptoms of bipolar?? If not, how can i best handle the relationship with his bipolar and OCD? What should I be looking for? Should I run?

Any comments, suggestions are appreciated.

MJ

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 6:34am

Hi MJ,
My DH is bipolar, and at times, acts like your boyfriend. I have to admit that it is very difficult living with someone who is bipolar. We married young, and I didn't know he was bipolar when we married. He was just diagnosed a few years ago, and we have been married for 20 years now. After being through what I have been through with him, I honestly don't know if I would have married him if I knew what life would be like with him. I do love him, but when he gets depressed, he always questions our marriage, and thinks I have changed (which I haven't, just his perception at the time). It is a roller coaster ride sometimes. I can't tell you what you should do, but only my experiences. Sorry if this is negative about BP! Just my experience.

Take care,
Lori

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 9:50am

I am bipolar myself and am in a happy marriage (so dh tells me!) But, from what I know about myself, I would be very hesitant to be in a relationship with someone dxed with serious bipolar who doesn't take medicine. I know I am impossible without medication and probably would belong in an institution.

Your guy sounds like he is experiencing rapid cycling mood swings (but I'm not a pdoc.) He probably needs meds. Remember, there is no cure for bipolar. It can be managed, but you live with it for the rest of your life; there's no escaping it. And, bp at its worst is very ugly. Your guy could get worse than he is now...

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Thu, 01-04-2007 - 12:51pm

MJ,


There is a minority school of thought, mostly BP folks, that medication is not necessary for BP.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2006
Fri, 01-05-2007 - 4:09am

All I can tell you is that I wouldn't marry me. LOL

I'm a loving, generous, gentle person, but the roller coaster is overwhelming. DH is very understanding and contributes alot around the house when I'm just 'bleh'. He agrees that he knows after a week or so, I'll be 'up' again, and then I'll do everything and he won't have to.

I suggest being very certain before committing to the long term of marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 2:56am

My DH and I are both BP. (even if my DH doesnt' think I am) We didn't find this out until we had been married for a few years. If I knew before what I would go through with him I don't know if I would have married him. I'm not saying that I want to get out now that I'm in the thick of it. I'm so greatful I married him and him me! He is a lot worse then me. Mine goes i/p about once every year if not more. He has lost work. It is hard to be married to eachother! But we are both thankful we are! I know right after we got engaged i almost called it off cuz he had his 1st episode (since I met him). He ended up calling off our engagement 2 times before we finally got married. Sometimes he can't figure out why I even am with him. Other times I'm suprised he hasn't left ME! It is scary to be off meds and be BP. I'm off mine now. ONLY because we are ttc and all my Drs told me to stay off as llong as I can while ttc and pg. But I am willing to go back on them if...or more like WHEN I need them again. wHICH might mean I can't have another child. Anyway...if you really want a life with him stay...but if you are questioning it...i don't know if I would!
WHen he shuts off at night...is that when he says he wants to end the relationship? Cuz if that is the problem just make sure he goes to bed and don't listen to him. Or at least don't take it to heart. I sure wish I had an internal alarm clock like him!
Good luck. DO study all about it liek someone else said!

April

~*~April~*~ Wife to RT Mother to RH & GM
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-04-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 4:47pm
I just saw your post and hope you are still checking this board for messages. I have been married 6 years to a bipolar and I would think LONG AND HARD about continuing a relationship with someone who refuses to take meds. Bipolar does not get better on its own and can only be managed by meds, despite what other bipolars may tell you (who are probably in a manic state when they tell you this). Itis also a lifetime condition. My dh has had 5 jobs in 6 years, none lasting over 14 months, and has been out of work a total of 36 months. He has gone into a depressive episode and eitherlost or quit jobs, and run up $4000 in credit card bills when he was manic and out of work. Don't get involved with a bipolar unless you are prepared to be his caregiver for life and be the breadwinner. I love my dh dearly and will never leave him, but if I'd known beforehand what I was getting into, I can honestly say I'm not sure I would have signed up for this. My first husband died when I was 30 and I have dealt with PTSD from childhood abuse (and am being treated for depression myself because of stress over my dh), so I have had my share of problems too, and this may be why I feel this way. Don't mean to be harsh, but you're setting yourself up for some hard times ahead if you continue a relationship with an unmedicated bipolar. Just wait till he tries to get you arrested and calls the police out on you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Tue, 01-09-2007 - 6:43pm

Hello:

I just wanted to sincerely thank everyone for your responses and advice. It means so much, especially because I have no one else to talk to about this.

Since I last posted, my boyfriend went into a psychotic break in front of me. He started talking to other people around him, rocking back in forth, then started bawling, etc... He kept saying how tired he was, so i tried to put him bed to bed and he started seeing things and having all the different conversations with people.

Last night, I couldn't get a hold of him. So when i talk to him this morning he proceeds to tell me that he was chased by the cops, so he hid his car in an apartment complex, and paid some people to drive him home. Sure enough his car was at the apartment complex today, but he is even questioning if he hallucinated the whole cop chasing incident.

He has an appt. tomorrow with a psychiatrist to get on medication. But... is medication even the answer? A temporary one?

I am really just confused. I mean, i have seen what a wonderful person he is, and it is not his fault he has BP.... so do I run because he does, or do I see the good in him and trust in the love I have for him and continue dating him?? As you can see i am going through quite an emotional dilemma here..... It hurts me to see him go through this.

And he is actually is very succesful in the business world when it comes to MAKING THE MONEY, and has been a millionaire twice, yet he has LOST IT ALL and is broke at the moment. He however just closed his 3rd million dollar deal which will be coming through soon. He has no concept of money when it comes to making or spending it. It is just crazy to me and in a way i admire it. Money does not control his life at all.

What is the best way to support him?

Once again, thank you everyone for your responses.

MJ

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 6:16am

{{{{{{{{{{MJ}}}}}}}}

MJ, BP can definitely be managed in most cases (and my case is as bad as your bf's w/o meds but is fine with them). It is accepted wisdom that the best treatment for bp is a combination of meds and talk therapy. Sure, it may take years to find just the right meds (took me nine), but any med will improve the situation greatly.

Trying to have a normal conversation with a bp person who is off their meds is often like trying to reason with a drunk person. It is an exercise in futility, and you don't need the pain in your life. You are better off staying in this relationship only with the condition that your bf accept treatment.

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2006
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 10:26am
MJ, I know how you must be feeling my fiance has BP too..the thing is we are in a long distance relationship right now..we have been together for over a year now we have visited each other numerous times..we talk everyday and i know whne he is in one of his moods by his words..i have learned his triggers but sometimes it can be a pain in the butt..i love him dearly..but i also told him i will not be his caretaker i will be his wife and his lover and his friend and will be there for him when he needs me..he has been honest with me about his BP from day one..and he lets me know when he is having a bad day.. its your choice if you want to stay in your relationship..you love him and know how much you can take of it..i also have been doing my research on BP to understand it more...i have asked a lot about how married life is with a BP..i must say i have heard a lot of i want out of this marriage ..and very very little of its been good even thou we had our bad days...( i think thats why i have been hesistant about moving to fast and i am taking my time to learn more)..i do love my man with all my heart and i know he loves me and i know with a lot of work we will make it we have the same dreams and values in life..yeah sometimes he can get loud when he is passionate about something..or angry..but im used to loud people my whole family is loud...i guess what i am saying is its your choice as long as you think you can handle it wisely, Just my two cents..
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-01-2007
Wed, 01-10-2007 - 11:17pm

If he is seeing things i might take him to the ER asap. If he is having dangerous "police chases" he could kill himself or someone else on accident of course. he might be more like schizoaffective or even schizzo. My grandma is schizo. She totally believes what she sees. I know when my DH is manic he spends $$. We have had i believe 11 cars in 7 years of marriage. You need to know how to say NO to him. I didn't for a long time. Hence all the cars. Well some I ddin't have any part in. He hasn't had TOO hard of a time with jobs because he was in USMC and that is hard to get out of! lol then couldn't find a job to stay in for a few years. Now he is in a great job and trys really had to not loose this one. They are really good to him and he usually the FMLC all the time when he does have a problem. I don't remember if I said this befor but he has been i/p like 6 times in 5 years. We take each day at a time. I try to encourage him...or shold him when I need to...yeah...he says it really helps. BUT he is medicated. Good luck with your bf!

April

~*~April~*~ Wife to RT Mother to RH & GM

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