Lousy job situation - possible triggers

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Lousy job situation - possible triggers
Mon, 01-29-2007 - 3:04pm

ARGH! Just when I thought I'd be managing okay with 200mg of Lamictal a day and occasional visits to the psychologist, this happens:

I got this new job last March and, no, I haven't been the easiest employee thanks to my self-confidence being totally shot after my previous job's disastrous experience BUT I have found it increasingly difficult to turn to my new boss for help and support. She is not exactly the warm & fuzzy type! Very hard to read, unapproachable, cold and increasingly hostile as our mutual levels of frustration have risen over the past few months. I know I have some responsibility for this but it's very difficult for me to go to someone for help if I feel I and my problems are not welcome.

We're now at the point where I basically have received a written warning about my performance and I have 30 days in which to get my act together and fix the problem. I know I have to start being more forward in talking with her, telling her if I'm confused or out of my depth, asking for advice amongst other colleagues, etc, but I'm just so nervous and uptight about even reading her emails, let alone having a conversation! I have told her that I find her intimidating and not easy to talk to and I don't expect my manager to be my best friend (that would be creepy) but I do wish we had less of a prickly relationship.

Naturally, I have been trying really hard not to fall into that abyss of despair, self-pity and extreme depression, but it's been hard. Last night I actually thought about harming myself (again) just so I wouldn't have to go back to work! I can't believe I've screwed things up again! I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today to get a prescription for anti-depressants and another one with my psychologist tomorrow and boy, won't he be surprised with my news. I feel like such a failure.