Falling (Possibly Trig?)
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| Wed, 02-21-2007 - 12:21pm |
This is just a few things from a journal I started to write. I needed to put it online so that I can burn the papers or shred them or something. So if you have any advice or anything feel free to comment. Sorry its so long. And a little bit repetative... Its just all stuff that I have to get out.
My life has gotten crazy lately.. I never thought or even wished that I would be 24 yrs old and facing a divorce. All I feel is numb. All I can do is cry. Never in a million years would I ever wish this amount of unhappiness on anyone. I was supposed to call a lawyer today but I'm scared to. I'm afraid that if I call them back, I'm admitting defeat. Admitting weakness or something. But honestly thats all I am is weak. I dont know if I can handle this. I dont know if I can handle being so unhappy. Everyone says I'm this strong person. Everyone says that I can make it. But I dont know if I can. Actually I dont know if I want to. I can't stand my life. I just want it to go away so I can start a new life. Maybe then I wouldn't be so weak, so stupid. Maybe then I would do everything right. I know this journal could screw me over in my divorce. I've seen it happen. But I need to get it all out. I can't hold it in anymore or I will explode. Mayve if I get it all out on paper it will help clear my head and be strong. I know I've got friends and family to help me. But they honestly cant do much. My friend was talking to her ex boyfriend last night on the computer, he was drunk and probably doing other things too. But he's going through a divorce too. He was very suicidal and just horrible with what all he was saying. I wanted to do something for him but I can't. I know that there's really nothing you can say to someone to make them feel better. Usually. I hate that he has to feel this way and I wish there was something I could do. But I can't help someone else if I can't even help myself.
Feb 19
So I say DH tonight. He said he was going to come over. Said that he wanted to see me and that his aunt waas going to bring him down because she had some business thing to do in town here. I was extremely disappointed when I talked to him on the phone because he said he wasn't going to take me with him. When they got here, he came upstairs, knocked on the door, handed my friend my stuff. He didn't even step one foot in the door and I was sitting on the couch. I couldn't move. I wanted to so bad. But I couldn't. I was numb. He had his aunt down at the bottom of the stairs saying that they had to go because they were already late. All I could do was sit on the couch and look at him. I wanted so much to just burst into tears and beg him to take me with him. But I know it wasn't going to get me anywhere. I know in my heart that its over. I know it. That part of my life is over. Now its ust a matter of paperwork honestly. I think I'll be ok. I have to be. If I'm not, its like I'm letting him destroy my life, letting him destroy me. He's already broken me. He's already made me a different person. I can't let him kill me too. I have to find a way to survive. I have to find the strength to get back up and brush this one off. Ive done it before, I can do it again. Its going to be hard, no doubts about that. But I can do it. I have to do it. I have to prove to myself that I can do it. That I can live again. That I can be happy again. That and that my friend and I can break this curse we have going on. If I'm happy and in love she's single and if she's happy and in love I'm miserably single. Its true. We both dated this guy in jr high and it cursed us. Its been like this for like 10 years now. I'm getting a divorce and she got a boyfriend. I was married and she was single the whole time. Its insane. I will find my soulmate and I will be with him and I'll live happily ever after just like Cinderella or all the other princesses for all that matter. Yearh right, who aam I kiddin. Who wants me. I'm damaged goods. Nobody wants a girl in a wheelchair with all sorts of medical issues. Nobody wants some chick thats going to be or is divorced. Nobody wants baggage. But I dont blame them one bit. Not at all. I dont think I'd want me either. I want so much to believe that I'll fall in love again. So much to believe this whole soulmate thing will change the curse. But what if I've already found him. What if I was too stupid to realize it and he's long gone? I'm always saying that you always have to have hope and faith but it turns out that I can't even take my own advice. So why do I even bother to hand it out. You shouldn't give advice on something you dont believe yourself, right? I miss feeling loved. When I felt truly loved, I loved myself. Now, I just hate myself. People get so mad at me for saying that but its how I feel and you can't change that. I wish I could say that there is someone out there that could prove me wrong. Someone that could show me what real love is. But I thought that was DH. I guess I wanted it to be him at one point in time. Even now, I wanted him to take me in his arms and tell me it would all be ok. I dont see that happening anytime soon. I know he loves me though. I can see it on his face. I can see it in his eyes.
Feb 20
It is so wrong to have this feeling in the back of my mind. The feeling that I wish my friend would become single again so my DH would call me up and tell me he wants to work things out. I hate feeling this way. She deserves to be happy. She's a great person with a great heart. What the heck have I done to deserve to be happy? Nothing. I dont deserve to be happy. I dont deserve her letting me stay here. I would live in my car again if I had it. Stop thinking that, stop stop stop. Why can't DH just realize what he's going to miss. Why can't he realize that taking me with him is so much smarter and cheaper and it could possibly save our marriage. I could get a job and not have to worry about transportation. WE could live on base. So he would be able to save up some money I'd be staying on medical. We'd have our dogs. I'm not even going to go there though because I miss my dogs like crazy. I haven't seen them in 2 almost 3 weeks. They are my babies and they are staying with his family until I can get a place for them. Just everything would be so much easier. I just keep staring out into space because I dont know what to do. I feel like I'm falling into a black hole with the world caving in on my head and no way out.
I'm going to stop there because this is just getting too long. I've got a few more pages of stuff written down, but honestly you probably wouldn't want to read it anyway because most of that is what the trig part is. I have meds, I'm SUPPOSED to be on prozac but its in another state right now. So I'm going this all alone. So its nice to get it all out and at least try to feel some hope I guess. Thanks to all who continued to read through my endless bantering. I'll be checking back in periodically to see how everyone else is doing and I'll probably post here and there, but like I said before, I shouldn't be giving any advice right now.
So take care everyone. And have a wonderful day.

{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}
You DO deserve to be happy. Everyone does. Don't sell yourself short. It takes work, though, and usually in the case of bp folks meds. Give yourself some time and do the work. It may take years. You have to let it.
And btw, there is no such thing as a soulmate. Some guys are just more suitable for us than others. When you have done the work on yourself, you will be ready to find another. But, we have to be pretty much emotionally healthy for a relationship to work.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
OH sweetie! You SO DO deserve to be happy!!! And you WILL fall in love again, I promise you! Keep writing...get it all out...those feelings. Don't let them bottle up, because they will make a mess of things. I've been there done that. Many times.
I don't know you, but I had to talk to you. Its okay to be sad...to be angry. Feel those emotions...let them run their course. They won't destroy you.
Hugs.
Keli