Another "manic moment" w/DH
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| Thu, 04-05-2007 - 8:32pm |
Just when I think things are beginning to get better DH has another episode of fury! Everything has been going well up until this morning. Last night I was unable to sleep most of the night due to his snoring (the C-pap is coming tomorrow). I slept a couple hrs on the couch before he had to get up to go to work and without a doubt, he said he didn't feel like he had slept much (that's always the case when he snores very loud all night). Unfortunately, when he is over tired he seems to have his "fits". His new "idea" is that he wants to buy a van for our business. Whenever we start to get ahead financially, he wants to spend more $, putting us back in a financial bind. Sooo, this morning he starts talking about this van he wants to buy. I was so tired from being kept awake all night and then to have him start talking about this van he wants to buy, I got upset and told him that we couldn't afford a van right now. That pretty much threw him into one of his spins and out come all the hateful names, yelling and screaming until he finally left for work. I didn't call him all day (usually if he's left alone for a few hrs. he'll calm down and get over it)...not today. Around 5pm he called me at work and continued yelling, screaming and swearing into the phone. I just hung up on him.
I really don't know how much more of this I can take. He is completely irrational when he gets this way and he has so much vengence and anger inside of himself it's scary. He comes up with these "ideas" about buying something that is completely rediculous and it's as if he's just trying to find something to argue about so that he can release whatever it is he has inside of himself that needs to get out. It used to be that he would have these "spells" once a month but now it's more like once every one or two weeks.
The C-pap machine will be hooked tomorrow night at home so I am PRAYING that this makes a difference in his attitude. It seems that he has "fits" whenever he hasn't had a good nights sleep so I'm hoping this makes a difference. Maybe it won't help but anything has to be better than this.

(((Hugs))) I'm so sorry you have to go through this. Your husband sounds like my dad. He could be the most charming guy on the planet; funny, personable, loving. He could also be the biggest, most irrational, angriest, most hateful guy I've ever met. There were often times when I was afraid to ask him anything at all, because it was impossible to tell what would set him off. When I got old enough to stand up for myself he would get mad and hold a grudge. From the time I was 12 until now I would say that 6 months of any given year he hasn't been speaking to me. He's not speaking to me at the moment over something stupid that happened at Christmas.
I'm telling you this because I want you to understand that without help it isn't going to change, and it's a sucky way to live. I'm a couple months short of 38 years old and in all this time my father hasn't been able to change enough about himself and the way he treats people to form a good relationship with his children, even though the children try to give him the benefit of the doubt. In consequence he lives at least a day's drive from the nearest of his grandchildren and none of us would move closer for any reason. What is worse, from your perspective, is that we're pretty pissed with our mom too. In fact, more upset with her because she was supposed to be the healthy one. She's the one that should have protected us from the rages and name calling and furniture throwing and insecurity that comes with that kind of irrational behavior and she didn't because she was trying so hard to stay out of trouble herself. Think about all of that before you have kids.
I'm not saying he can't change, just that you need to see evidence that he knows there's a problem and he's going to get help for it before you make up your mind to keep building a life with him. I bet everyone here has had problems and been a complete bastard at some point, but we've all made the decision to treat the problem and to keep working on our mood disorder to keep it manageable. My dad, and it sounds like your husband, haven't hit that point yet.
Sorry to go on this way. I was just reflecting on spring and my dad this morning so this is all on the surface. He always hits a kind of hypomanic period around this time of year. Typically I get flowers from him around Easter time to make up for whatever it was he he's been silently fuming about all winter, so Easter is a strange time in our relationship (especially since niether of us is religious).
Thanks so much for your words of encouragement atomic. I'm sorry that you've had to endure a Father who acts the same way as my DH. Thankfully, we don't have children and probably never will. I would never think of bringing children into such an inconsistant atmosphere.
My DH knows that he has a problem but he's not willing to accept just yet that it could be a psychological problem that he may need to take meds. for. He's a pilot and anything that might taint his medical record would be a very big problem for him and his flying liscense. We just finished completing all kinds of sleep studies and just today we received his C-pap machine which HE THINKS is going to solve his behavioral problems. While I agree w/him that his inability to get a proper nights sleep plays a very big roll in his mood swings, I'm not totally convinced that getting a C-pap is going to solve all of his problems.
Unlike your Father, my DH doesn't really "hold grudges" after one of his incidents. He usually apologizes for his behavior shortly after a "blow up" and he seems to realize that he's acted completely out of line. That's why I surprised yesterday when he called me at work (hours after his morning blow up) and continued to scream at me before I hung up the phone on him.
This morning when he got up to go to work I told him that I did not want him to EVER call my work and speak to me the way he did again. I also told him that I have had it up to my ears with him and I wanted out of the marriage. I told him that I would be spending Easter at my Mother's house in Vermont without him so that he could have the weekend alone to figure out what he is going to do. My hope is that I can scare the living day lights out of him so that he realizes how serious this has become. Not much else was said this morning before he left for work but him saying "well you do what you have to do" and he left.
How ironic is it that within hrs. of us having our major discussion this morning that my DH's C-pap would be delivered and the tech. went through with me how to use it. My DH will get home tonight before me and see the C-pap sitting on the table. I wonder what will go through his mind then? Who knows if he'll end up going to VT w/me for the Easter weekend. Chances are, he'll react in his usual way by apologizing and saying how he will go and see someone. Then the whole thing will start all over again. UGH!!!
As for you Dad, maybe when he tries to find his way back into your life this Spring you could give him some information on BP and tell him that if he intends to have any sort of a relationship w/you, he should start doing something about his problem. I honestly think that the people who continue to procrastinate their diagnosis are afraid and instead of admitting that there's a problem, they stay in denial and hope that those around them who love them will continue to forgive them.
The c-pap should help improve his moods somewhat, but I don't think it's going to solve them.
Thanks for the advice M but I doubt he will want to do anything that would keep him from flying. We had a very long talk over the holiday weekend (which went well). As I said before, he knows that he has a problem...we're just trying to pin point it to see exactly what it is. We went to the book store over the weekend and we both went our separate ways (looking for books). When I came back I had the book "BP for Dummies" in my hand. He seemed very interested and wanted me to buy it. He read the book throughout the entire weekend!!! Afterwards I thought how it was a good approach at introducing the whole idea of BP to him because I think he was relating a lot to some of the things in the book.
The C-pap is all set up and he's been using it since last Friday. The first few nights were rough because he was getting use to having all the "stuff" on his face while he slept. Each night it gets easier and easier. As for the noise, there's hardly any. I guess it's the "cadilac of C-paps" so there is hardly any sound coming from it. The only thing that has been hard for me to get used to is waking up and seeing it on him...LOL! It's like sleeping with a scuba diver next to me...!!!
Anyway, he's had no other occurances of mood swings but it's really too soon to tell what will happen. The fact that he is doing a considerable amount of reading about BP as well as getting all the rest he needs with the C-pap is very positive. I'll let you know how it's going within the next few weeks.
Thanks a lot! It's so nice to have a place to come, vent and find out what the hell to do about all of this!
J