Getting out of control (poss trigs)
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| Thu, 04-19-2007 - 8:41pm |
So I went to see pdoc on Tuesday, posted about that separately.
Anyway, I am glad that I got some new things to try to help me stabalize. The problem that I"m having right now is that I don't want to stabalize. I want to keep this high going. I know it's wrong, and terrible. I can't talk to my H about it because he just doesn't understand. I'm willing to put myself into situations that could be extremly damaging if not fatal to my marriage, I am on a rollercoaster, but I have my hands up in the air screaming with enjoyment the entire time.
This is the most hypomanic I have felt (since being diagnosed and recognizing that's what's going on anyway.) I have never been a promiscuious person, but all of a sudden I find myself doing things that are wrong. Thinking about doing things, and wanting to do them. WTF!!!
Sometimes I enjoy the hypomania because I get lots of projects done around the house and have tons of energy to play with the kids. This time I find myself being a "bad girl" and enjoying every single minute of it. Drinking, smoking, flirting, wanting to party all the time, and be the center of attention. I have been able to control my urges to this point but feel that I"m on the verge of blowing up and going overboard. The strange part is, part of me almost wants to. Like I'd finally be free. For so long I have fought the urges to do the things that feel good to me and make me happy, for the sake of the people I care about, and my job of course. Sometimes I think it would feel really good to just let go of all of those restraints I put on myself and be who I truly feel I am. A wild and crazy person, who in the end would probably wind up in the hospital, but would have at least gotten it out of her system.
I want to just let go, and be free, and not worry about the consequences. I'm tired of society telling me/us what is normal, what is the proper way to behave. I don't care anymore. I feel like I can't be myself and I want to explode inside because I've always kept my thoughts, feelings, and actions in check, stuffing them down and they're ready to finally boil over. God it would feel so good!!!
J

It sounds like you are not hypomanic, but into full-blown mania. You really do need help, or you could end up doing things you regret or that even hurt yourself or others.
Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"
I'm going to be very blunt here. I don't like airing the details of my past too much because it's rather humiliating, but in this particular case, I feel it's important.
J, this is what you may face if you don't let the pdoc (and even the tdoc for that matter) know what's going on. They can help you, but you have to tell them every little detail about how you've been feeling.
I have been where you are. I know that high. I rode that high almost all the way to the top...but just like gravity, when you go up, you must come down. The high is exhilarating. One thought will feed your words and actions. Next you will train yourself to use those words and actions to get other people to do what you want. The feeling is one of control, because all of a sudden, when you decide you want someone or something, you're confident and unafraid about what you need to do to get it. It will become like a drug. First, you will send a suggestive email to somebody. When they respond the way you want, you send another. Pretty soon, that isn't enough, and you decide to get together with them "in person". You'll think to yourself, "We're just having lunch; there's nothing wrong with that." One lunch turns into two, and pretty soon the public location turns into a private one. The emails and lunches don't give you quite that high anymore. Even intimacy with this person comes and goes. You want more. You look for men who seem to like you and you play off that, one after another. At first you think about "safe sex" but you cease to care eventually. At first you think, "Well, I know this man well, and I know he doesn't play around, so I'm safe." Yet, you pursue others without even so much as a thought of protecting yourself or them. Then, even the idea that you could get any man to sleep with you if you wanted them to isn't enough. It becomes strangers at a truckstop, soliciting for group or even same sex partners. Before you know it, somebody will find out what you've done, and the high comes to a screaching halt when the depression sets in. You don't consider yourself a bad person, but then you look at some of the things you've done. Nobody wants to hear any excuses. Nobody wants to hear, "I couldn't control myself." One day you're fine, the next thing you've lost everything and you can't stand life anymore.
J, I didn't make any of this up. What you describe is exactly how it was for me. I was a born-again Christian leading a very active lifestyle of service to my church as well as being a leader for my daughter's scout troop. I volunteered for community service events at work. I thought I was "all that and a bag of cheeto's". The thing is that I had no idea what BP was or that I was suffering from it. All I saw was that I was unhappy and I was going to give myself permission to "be bad" in order to help relieve some of that. The minute I gave myself permission to my unfaithful to my dh with my online antics, it all spilled out into real life. After my dh found out about the first (even though there had been two, but I managed to hide the other), he forgave me and let me stay. However, when four more incidents occurred (three with men I had never met before) and he found out about it, he kicked me out of the house and I ended up in a homeless shelter for two weeks. We were in a state where I knew nobody except co-workers, and I didn't even know them well enough to ask if I could stay with them. You don't know humiliation until you have to stay in one of those places. You don't know embarrassment until you have to get tested for STD's and HIV. You can't imagine the pride I had to swallow when I allowed him to have custody of our three daughters. All of those "highs" didn't prepare me for what followed.
I'm sorry if this was long or if I went into too much detail. I don't know you from a hole in the ground. I just can't sit here and hear somebody say that it would feel good not to worry about consequences. Doing that would be like me seeing a friend standing barefoot next to a piece of glass and not warning them. You have no idea the hell you will have to prepare yourself for if you allow yourself to step one toe into this lifestyle.
J, think long and hard about this. Make a list for yourself of where you would like to see your life be in ten years. Read that list and re-read it. If you decide to do this, not only will it be like ripping that list into a thousand tiny pieces, but you will end up lonely and hated by those that you care about.
Don't do this to yourself.
~Dawn
Dawn, thank you for sharing your story. I do realize how things can spiral out of control so fast. That's why I've been resisting these urges to act the way I feel I need to (yes it feels like a need not a want). I just don't know how to do it anymore. I really hope that the Risperdal does the trick and starts to help SOON!! I don't want to lose my family, but sometimes it just feels like that's the way my life is supposed to be.
I've always done the right thing, kept everything inside, and never done anything that I thought would hurt anyone else, most of the time sacraficing my own pride, or feelings for someone else. Lately I just feel like I want to be the real me (never been sure who that is). I want to express myself and be this different person. Who knows maybe that's not the real me either.
I used to love being a wife and mother and making dinners, and doing housework. Now I just want to be alone and have the freedom to do whatever I want. Some days are better than others, and if I can somehow remind myself that this too will pass, I think I'll make it. It's the hardest I've ever struggled with this though.
Someone also posted that they thought I was in full-blown mania. I have never experienced that before, and I guess didn't realize that someone who was BP2 could upgrade to BP1. That scares me.
Last night I was listening to the radio, and realized that the song "Jesus Take the Wheel" has got to be my new theme song for life. I can't do it all on my own. If I do, I know I'll be headed for a fall. Especially for someone like me who has NEVER wanted to do anything to hurt the ones I love. Just need some serious support to get through this period right now I think.
Thanks a ton!
Ya know, I was kinda wondering why I started posting here. I had posted only maybe once or twice before this past couple of weeks. Maybe there's somebody upstairs who decided that my pain could help someone else. Who knows...
Anyway, I was thinking about what you said and I have an idea. It seems to be that you need an outlet. You need something in your life where you can break out of your "cocoon" a bit and do something out of the ordinary. I am wondering if maybe something like working at a local animal shelter, volunteering as a tutor at the library, or something like that would help, even if just a little. This would become something that would be completely yours, would allow you to feel a sense of importance and pride, yet would keep your morals and your family intact. I dunno...for me, volunteer work ended up being another source for my mania to manifest itself in that I never looked realistically at what I was capable of doing well with the time and money that I had. I did TOO much and I think my family resented me for it. Yet at the same time, I wonder if there can't be a happy medium. It seems that even one day a week or something like that could help relieve some of that "pressure" you are feeling, at least until you can find the right medication and dosage for you.
You can do this. Trust me, it's not impossible. It's difficult, to be sure, and it will sometimes feel like you're going to explode. It can be done though and you will not regret the effort.
Keep us posted...
Dawn