You'd think I'd be happy...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2003
You'd think I'd be happy...
1
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 4:18pm

For all that's going well in my life, you'd think I'd be happy.
My house is in better shape now than it has been in two years.
I've lost 23 pounds on my diet.
My kids are doing well in school.
My family is well and over all that sickness junk that was going on last month.
The weather is nice.
My husband is doing well on his meds and is treating me well.
But I'm not; I'm in fact, quite depressed.
Yes, I've been here before.
It's just another stupid cycle of the awful bipolar.
And I'll most likely be here again and again in the future.
I'm so tired of the cycling.
I'm so tired of being depressed one week and flying high the next.
O, to be normal!
O, to not have to take all these dang pills!
O, to be free from the worry that this episode will get bad enough to need to go back to the hospital!

*sigh*

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Sun, 04-22-2007 - 6:24pm

((((Hugs))))

I read your post and to me it almost seemed poetic in a sense. It read to me like words that many of us have been struggling to say, but not able to get out of our heads and into black and white. Please know that your words spelled out what many of us struggle with constantly. I am one of the lucky ones. By the grace of God I have been able to stay on a fairly even keel with my episodes, partly through my meds and partly through sheer willpower. I decided a while back that I wasn't going to let this "thing" win. That isn't to say that I don't have episodes that don't hurt; there are times in my life when I think "why bother". However, by removing myself from the situation that is triggering the pain, I seem to be able to reduce how long it lasts. If I'm feeling manic, I go home and busy myself with something totally unrelated. If I'm feeling depressed, I surround myself by someone or something that can't help to bring a smile to my face. I know that is easier said than done. I know that there are times where no matter what you do, the funk seems to hang around endlessly. I guess the bottom line is that while the answer is different for each and every one of us, there **is** an answer. You may find that to be the addition of meds or an adjustment to your current dose. You may find that to be group therapy. You may find that a hobby or involvement with a club or other group outside of your home helps you. It may not completely remove the symptoms, but it just might help you to focus on something else until the symptoms pass.

Above all, please know that you can say these things here and we won't consider you weak. By coming here, you're showing strength by not hiding behind the depression. Keeping your feelings to yourself could eat you up and eventually destroy you. We can't let the BP win.

~Dawn