Depressed and disgusted with this
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| Mon, 04-23-2007 - 7:55pm |
Hi everyone.
my pdoc says i have Bipolar II,NOS... i have tried Seroquel, Lithium, Abilify, and the latest mood stabilizer has been Lamictal, which i took one dose (25mg) last Thursday night, apart from my other meds to see what my reaction, if any, would be.
At first, i felt very nauseated and dizzy. i waited a couple of hours and took my regular bedtime meds, and i didn't sleep well at all. the pharmacist had told me the lamictal might keep me awake.
the next morning, i started to get a terrible swelling in my throat, chills, and fever. i didn't get the rash. i don't know if it was a bug or the lamictal. but, i've not taken anymore yet.
i am very hypersensitive to meds. i take 10 mg lexapro for the depression, klonopin for anxiety, and neurontin for my sleep disorder.
i am so sick and tired of all this. i don't know what its like to feel normal. before i got sick, i used to be so organized and neat...now, mail piles up, the dishes stay dirty until i start on an upswing.
i'm tired of the med game, of the side effects. i don't know what's worse, the mood swings or the side effects.
thanks for listening. i would just like to sit on my couch and stare. somedays,i wish i would just fall asleep and not wake up. i'm so tired.
Nita

Oh (((Nita)))...I understand where you're coming from. I guess I'm one of the lucky ones in that my symptoms seem to be under control for the most part. But I remember when they weren't! I still have trouble when my stress level is so high that I can't handle even the slightest bit of an episode without breaking down. It isn't fun.
As for normalcy, I just don't think it exists. I mean, I consider myself happy for the most part, but to society as a whole, I am certain my life is considered far from normal. I guess each person really needs to decide for themselves what "normal" is. Decide what it is that you want in order to make yourself happy and strive towards that goal. Better yet, just pick and choose your battles when it comes to the things that are making you unhappy. Some battles just aren't worth the energy. Save all of the worry and depression and anger for the things that really matter the most. It's those battles that you should fight and those battles that you CAN win!
Don't give up Nita. If I was there, I'd give you a hug...
Dawn
thank you for your letter. sending you a hug!
(((((Dawn)))))
nita
Nita,
I OH SO understand where you're coming from, as I was there for close to a year (that seemed like 10).
Nita:
I see so much of myself in your post. I've come so far, so I'd like to share it with you. Even if only one thing I say helps, it will get you closer to where I am now.
I'm 38, happily married, and feel better than I have since junior high school. Not because I’m happy all the time, because that’s not true, but because, well, you’ll understand in a minute …
My history:
Saw a shrink in college for the first time (1988-ish), thought it was just the stress of declaring a major, so I took some old-fashioned tricyclic meds for a while, ended that. In my mid-20's I started seeing a counselor (MSW) because of boyfriend troubles. I was diagnosed as moderately depressed, got some good "chit chat" therapy, eventually swore of jerks and starting coming around a little. At age 28, I left a job in the middle of the day in a full-blown panic. Went back to counselor, was put on Prozac by my regular doctor, finished counseling and thus began the trip down the proverbial tunnel at whose end there is, in fact, a light. I met the most amazing person I've ever known when I turned 30. We've been together for 8.5, married for 7. He's amazing. Thought that would change everything. Though I am happily married, it didn't take away all my troubles like I thought it would. Got a fabulous dream job making boatloads of money, thought that would change everything. Again, wasn't the last piece of the "puzzle" I'd been trying to finish. In May 2003 I went back to my old counselor because I felt as though I was "spiraling down", but was assigned to an actual psychiatrist/psychologist team. For the first time, I got an actual diagnosis from an expert in the mental health field. My chart says I have Bipolar Disorder (NOS), though my doctor always says “Bipolar II Disorder”, and an Anxiety Disorder (NOS). I see Dan the psychologist for individual therapy, and I see Dr. Saleem for meds and he oversees my care. I ended up leaving the workforce for good in October 2003. I've made 2 attempts to return, to no avail. Currently happy housewife, will try work again maybe next year. Anyway, I feel I have truly reached a point where I finally feel I've learned and experienced enough to help others. These are the things I realized during therapy over the last 4 years, in no real order:
A. first and foremost, you need a diagnosis from a mental health professional
B. it may take forever to find the right combination of meds, but keep trying and you will. then you may reach a point where you think you've finally got the right combination of meds, which may be true for a long time, but our bodies change, we change, and our medicinal needs change. don’t be afraid to address your meds with your doctor, no matter what.
C. therapy is not easy, but it works. i've actually run out of Dan's office twice swearing, one time I even went to the head of the clinic asking for someone else. i ended up back with Dan, and I'm glad I did. he didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated, he treated me the way I needed to be treated. i'm sooo thankful for that. when things get hard to admit and/or feel during therapy, it means progress is happening. don’t be afraid.
D. if you have a therapist who you’ve truly tried to get along with, but for some reason it still isn’t right, talk to a supervisor about it. maybe you need someone else, or maybe you need the supervisor to steer you back to your therapist. you won’t know though unless you speak up!
E. there will never be a day when you're finally "there". you'll improve and get to a point where you can manage your illnesses, but you never really defeat it, you just continue to do what you can to keep it from defeating you. don’t worry, it feels great, even though there are still “downs” in the ups and downs.
F. do not keep people in your life who think what you are going through is anything but serious and real. people like that will not only pull you down with them, some of them will push you under
Now, about meds specifically. As you know, Bipolar II is mostly severe depression with period stable moods and periodic hypomanic moods. All my life, people thought I was a really upbeat person who just got really depressed a lot. Wrong diagnosis. This is why a mental health care provider is essential. Right diagnosis means right meds. The first combination Dr. Saleem used included a mood stabilizer. I was willing to try it, as he’s the professional. I realized though that it didn’t really help with my depression as much as it simply squashed my hypomanic phases. Since my hypomanic phases did not disrupt my life in any significant way, I asked to be taken off the mood stabilizer. Some people need a mood stabilizer because they have severe enough hypomanic phases or actual manic phases. I really didn’t see my occasional “highs” as the bulk of the problem. The mood stabilizer just made me feel blah, middle-of-the-road. I realized that what people had always seen as my bubbly personality and my sunshine-coming-out-your butt attitude were times when I was hypomanic, and that part of my personality had been a big part of who I am for 35 years. I’d always been high strung sometimes. That was just me. He agreed to let me go off it, only if I promised to tell him if it made things worse. I agreed. I never lie about how I feel. What good would that do??? Anyway, I started having rage during my highs instead of being hyper during my highs, so he gave me Alprazolam to take when I felt the rage coming on. Eventually, as I progressed in therapy, I got past the rage and no longer needed the Alprazolam. I had sleep problems and needed Ambien for a long time. Eventually, I got off of it because it was no longer working for me. I told him just this January that I was feeling happier, but that I was tired all the time and lacked motivation. You should have seen the dishes in my house!! So, he upped one of my meds, and things are just great. Between all the progress in therapy, which I could actually see and feel, and the med adjustment, I’ve really gotten somewhere. Currently I take 150 mg of Wellbutrin every morning and 75 mg of Effexor XR at night. He first tried increasing my Effexor to150 mg, but it gave me full-body spasms all night, so I went back down. He just increased the Wellbutrin from 75 mg twice a day of the regular tabs (I always forgot the second dose), to 150 mg of the once-a-day kind. Dr. Saleem said that even if I’d always remembered to take both 75 mg pills, the new 150 once-a-day works better anyway.
So, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it. I feel comfortable promising you that things can get better, because I know this from experience. Don’t give up.
If you have any questions or concerns, just reply. I’ll do anything I can to help you. One thing … I’ve never been suicidal. Not once. If you have those feelings, please reach out – I don’t know how to help you with that, but I know that help is there. But I do know what you mean when you say you want to go to sleep and not wake up. I’ve been there. And I’m here now, if you need me.
Best wishes,
Tiffany