Rambling, and a few questions...long
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| Wed, 04-25-2007 - 3:47pm |
Hi all. I haven't been here in a LONG time...
I have been relatively episode-free for about two and a half years, except for some really minor swings that I promptly call my pdoc about, and that respond to med alterations.
But, I guess about a month or two ago I noticed that I was starting to cycle down (feeling down to the point that I noticed it, for at least a couple of weeks), so I called for a med change. I currently take Lamictal, and pdoc also placed me on Prozac. The first problem I became aware of at that point is that I just took the Prozac pretty inconsistently, and when I ran out I didn't call for a new script. I have also been slightly inconsistent about taking my Lamictal. Both of those things are really uncharacteristic, as I am EXTREMELY med-compliant.
Then I started to notice an increase in hallucinations (or so the last pdoc called them). I see shadows and movement in my peripheral vision, very rare flashes of light, and have occasional sensations of a brief (less that a second) surge or pulsation in my head coupled with an impression of brightness. I get those things occasionally even when I'm not having an episode, but they really increased. I even had a couple of instances of possbile olfactory hallucinations, like smelling bacon while I was driving on the freeway. Pretty sure there was no bacon there, but that wasn't unpleasant!
Now that I'm beginning to accept that this is some type of episode, I'm putting other things together. Ruminating thoughts that sometimes make it very difficult to fall asleep or come back, for example, if I've been up with the baby during the night. I'm shorter tempered with my girls than I normally am, because I'm usually very patient. Sometimes I feel as if I'm talking faster or more than normal, and sometimes I feel slowed down. Energy levels fluctuate. Mood is a bit labile, but not at all extreme in either direction. Sometimes I have small bursts of frustration. Sometimes I do feel depressed, but then just a short time later I'll feel pretty decent. I'm preoccupied with my symptoms, and so have some concentration problems. I really have a hard time concentrating to work. Can't seem to make myself keep up with my housework regularly. The list just goes on. All things considered, it seems to me that this is a mild to moderate mixed episode with psychotic features. (I'm just trying to get my thoughts down here, as it makes it more real.) Of course, any comments are welcomed.
So, about those "hallucinations"...anyone else ever have those flashes of light or surge sensations? In addition to those, I think I'm starting in with some mild paranoia. I'm afraid my husband will look on the computer and read my post or see that I've been to bipolar sites again, and I'm afraid to tell pdoc about any of this because I'm afraid she'll commit me. I know that's not rational, as I'm no danger to ANYONE, but the fear is there. I've never copped to any psychotic symptoms with this doc. She knows I've been on antipsychotics in the past, but that's all. I really do trust her, at least better than any other pdoc I've ever had, but there's still that fear of disclosure and commitment.
I called her office to see if there was an e-mail address I could use to send this stuff to her before our appointment on Friday, because I know myself plenty well enough to know that if I even tell her ANY of this, it'll be very incomplete. Unfortunately, no e-mail.
Wow, this is longer than I intended. Sorry about that.
Kristen

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Did you see the light bulb flash where ever you are? DS "hears" a phone ringing when the water is running in the sink, I just made the connection when you mentioned the shower running and hearing a phone ringing.
I am eobp also and didn't self dx until I was 32 or 33....I didn't receive an "official" dx and start meds until I was 38.
tk
Hi there. You know, I never noticed where I am when I "see" the flash. It's really brief, though. My other complaint involving light is the momentary feeling that there is a surge or pulsation in my head that accompanyies the impression of light. I personally wonder if that one might be some sort of mild seizure activity, as I have a history of one grand mal seizure, and this sensation has been around for some time.
I do "hear" the phone ringing when the shower/bath is running, I have "heard" my cell phone ringing when it's not, I "smell" things when the particular stimulus is not there (this morning I smelled roses outside, but there are no roses anywhere around here. Last night I "smelled" a faint burning as if from an electrical source.) Most of the olfactory illusions are not unpleasant for me. Last week I "smelled" bacon while I was driving on the freeway. Didn't mind that one either!
My visual illusions include shadows and movement in my peripheral vision, I'll sometimes see something as simple as a piece of fuzz, and it will appear to be moving, like a bug, if I'm not looking at it directly.
I hope that may be informative concerning your ds. If not, I apologize. I'm manic right now so I may have just gone off on an irrelevant tangent.
Best,
Kristen
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