I feel HORRIBLE!!! (long)
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I feel HORRIBLE!!! (long)
| Tue, 05-01-2007 - 2:15pm |
I am loosing it more and more. I am having uncontrollable anger and crying fits, especially at work. I just can't do my job anymore and I feel terrible about it. I feel like all my knowledge has been lost even though I've been here nearly 10 years. Suddenly I don't know how to do anything and I have tons of projects to do and I am not doing them at all because I don't know how. Procedures keep changing and I have not been able to keep up with the changes. It's my JOB to keep up with them so I can't tell anyone here, I would probably get canned. So everyone else does all my project work for me--projects are shared by the whole company. I am not doing my share at ALL. Haven't for weeks. Yesterday I was too depressed to go in and just a few minutes ago I had an hysterical anger fit in the bathroom and busted the darn stall door through the wall! I was horrified. Then I dissolved into violent crying spasms that keep coming and going whether I want them to or not. My face and my eyes are really red so I am hiding down behind my desk hoping no one will notice. I can't control this much longer. If anyone comes up to me I am going to EXPLODE.
Still no pdoc/tdoc assigned. I called and left a message, no response. This can't be good for my poor baby, she has hardly moved all afternoon since I started up this hysteria. I am loosing it so much I wonder what kind of mother I am going to be right after she is born. I am slowly becoming incapacitated. How can I care for a brand new baby (especially since I will be a brand new mom) when I can't even take care of myself?? I want to knock my head against the wall or run my fist through it. The other night I had a "I don't know what it was" episode where the TV kept playing at me even after I turned it off. It was pitch black in my room but I could still hear the show replaying at me word for word. I can't sleep now because I can't get my stupid brain to SHUT UP and the Ambien is no longer working. I feel like I might pass out at the moment. I suppose my blood pressure is rising. I just don't know if I can stand 3 or 4 more weeks of this. Especially with the strain of trying to hide it from the people here at work. I am about to go completely NUTS!
Sorry so long :(
Jodie
Still no pdoc/tdoc assigned. I called and left a message, no response. This can't be good for my poor baby, she has hardly moved all afternoon since I started up this hysteria. I am loosing it so much I wonder what kind of mother I am going to be right after she is born. I am slowly becoming incapacitated. How can I care for a brand new baby (especially since I will be a brand new mom) when I can't even take care of myself?? I want to knock my head against the wall or run my fist through it. The other night I had a "I don't know what it was" episode where the TV kept playing at me even after I turned it off. It was pitch black in my room but I could still hear the show replaying at me word for word. I can't sleep now because I can't get my stupid brain to SHUT UP and the Ambien is no longer working. I feel like I might pass out at the moment. I suppose my blood pressure is rising. I just don't know if I can stand 3 or 4 more weeks of this. Especially with the strain of trying to hide it from the people here at work. I am about to go completely NUTS!
Sorry so long :(
Jodie

Hi Jodie. Wow, you have a lot going on! If it were me, I'd talk to my primary care doc if you have no p/tdoc. Come completely clean. I would think that you'd be a candidate for disability, either pregnancy disability or maybe FMLA, which allows you to take an extended leave while holding your job. I'm sure your employer would prefer that you take some time to get well and then return at your normal level of production rather than falling apart at work. You can't lose your job while you're on disability.
I don't know if you're on meds or not. With my last pregancy, just a couple of years ago, I went off my Lamictal for the first several months, and when I started to notice mood symptoms I went back on it. It's generally considered safe in pregnancy. There may be other meds out there that you can take while pregnant.
I'm so sorry that you're suffering so much right now. Another option would be to call your company's employee assistance program. I believe most companies have them. They will refer you to a psychiatrist, usually very quickly for crises, and it's completely confidential. Your employer won't even know about it.
Peace to you. Please let us know how you are!
Kristen
Jodie,
Talk to your OB about putting you on disability temporarily--the stress you're under could be harmful to the baby so it can legally fall into the purview of a pregnancy disability.