Delusional, I suppose
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| Wed, 05-02-2007 - 3:39pm |
I am still stuck in a mixed state despite adding Trileptal. I don't know how quickly that is supposed to help. I don't raise the dose again until tomorrow night.
dh is flying today, and this morning I was convinced that his plane is going to crash, and what will I do as a widow at 35 with two very young dd's, and my poor children growing up without a father, and did he suffer...such has been my state of mind this morning. I managed to work my way out of that one, but just feel completely drained and disconnected. And yesterday I had a brief but severe manic time.
I have to take my older dd to a birthday party this weekend. I like the kid and parents having the party, but it still makes me anxious, because I think the other parents are talking about me at times. Now, I logically know that they have much more intersting things to discuss than me, but there it is. I also have the fear with people that some of them can see into my head and know that all is not right with my mind. Those fears/feelings are not now overpowering as they can be, but I still know that no one can realistically see into my head. It's enough to produce some anxiety. If someone looks at me too long or with the "wrong" expression I think they know I'm having an episode, though very few people even know I have a mental illness.
I miss being stable on my meds, and hope the new dosage/med will kick in soon. Stability is so nice because it means that I don't think about and hyperanalyze my every feeling or thought. No delusions, few illusions. Nice to feel "normal". Soon, I hope.
Kristen - the paranonid one

just wanted to let you know that I can relate to what you are saying....I have the same sorts of things going on too....one day we will both be stable, one day.
Rebekah
Thanks Rebekah. I hope you start to feel better soon!
Peace,
Kristen