Please help....losing mind...(trigger)
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| Fri, 05-04-2007 - 4:55pm |
****This post may be a "trigger" for some people.****
I am BP2, taking Lamictal (4 wks. so far...)100mg./day. At my recent Med. check , I told my DR. that i was having trouble at night...Not insomnia, per se, nor bad dreams, but just this horrible, crippling fear. I cannot shut my eyes for fear that "something bad" will happen. (This is worse than my usual,mild OCD-type behaviors like double checking the stove,etc.) For years I have not been able to cry, and have a hard time hugging anyone except my DH & sons. I don't feel close to my other family, and i can't trust anyone. For a while I was convinced that my DH was having an affair, even though logically,I know that my thoughts are crazy, I can't help it. Esp. at night i have these horrible thoughts & feelings like , someone is in the house, watching us, or that each time I am separated from my sons they will be harmed in some way...Violent thoughts creep in at night ,i think i see shadows that aren't there and sometimes it is as if I am half-awake,or that the line between my imagination & reality is so blurry that I can't tell the difference. My DR. said that "Sleep disturbances" are normal for BP, and that I am probably "hypomanic", or in "mixed state" and wants to up my dose to 200/mg. I am so scared, but nobody knows. By day I am just this nice, friendly suburban Mom-type, nice to everyone, kind to my children. At night I just lie there, Wide-awake & terrified. Am I hallucinating? What is wrong with me? Thank you to anyone who reads this. I welcome any & all advice you may have to give.

Jenny
Thanks for your support...It's nice to know that I am not the only one who is
experiencing these odd feelings. This board is , I think for many of us, the only place
that we can safely disclose what we are going through without the fear that people will
label us as "crazy". I , myself am wondering why Dr.s seem to gloss over the side
effects of these meds. I guess it is just the "lesser of two evils" outlook..(side
effects from meds vs. the ups and downs of being BP: Which is worse?....I don't truly
know at this point, but maybe there is hope as we "adjust " to our meds. Speaking of
which, Wellbutrin was another drug that pushed me into a "manic/submanic " state, back
before I knew that I was BP. Same hallucinations & scary thoughts, but diff. drug and
not as severe...i just wish that we could all find some peace. Anyway, I hope you are
feeling better soon..
I would recommend you talking with your pdoc about being put on an anti psychotic. Is that the kind of med he is talking about increasing?
~ Tina ~
Your mind isn't lost, it's wide awake & working overtime and yes, probably part & parcel of hypomania--just the evil twin of the version that allows to get lots of stuff done!
If it's been a week or more since your med increase, definitely give your pdoc a call back & let him know what's going on.
I feel like that every night-- 100% wake up and feel that someone is trying to get into my house.
I am really normal--have a very high profile job, all American perfect family life--however from the time I can remember-have been completely scared that someone is going to come in at night--regardless of where I am.