Why Would He Do This To Me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Why Would He Do This To Me?
9
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 2:14pm
I posted awhile back because my ex was diagnosed as being bipolar about two months back when we were considering getting back together. His behavior has been sporadic in the past (in other words, he’s come into my life very intensely for a month or two and then disappeared for several months, without explanation, only to apologize and say he misses me and wants to change), and things in the present have been no different. His mother pulled him out of college and in the three weeks he was home, determined a) to not visit me anymore like he’d been planning to for months and 2) to start dating some random teenager he just met (he’s 23). I’ve been reading An Unquiet Mind per your recommendations and I feel I understand him much better, but why would he do that to me? I don’t know whether to just forgive him because he might not be able to help it, but his behavior still hurts me and now he won’t even talk to me at all; he just ignores me. And trust me; I’m definitely not the pushy type. I guess I’ll just let it go like I usually do, but why would he keep doing this to me, and what can I do about it?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 2:20pm

Is your guy getting proper treatment? If he is, you might just have to be patient. Stability can take a long time. If he is refusing treatment, let him go. He will continue to treat you like cr@p and will never change. You don't deserve that.

Express!
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 3:23pm

You are young and you don't need to wait around for someone to make "their" life all better. He does have problems and that is sad. I am not sure if he is getting treatment or not. Let me explain to you that even if he is getting treatement things don't change over night and it could be months and maybe even years before he is able to see what he is doing wrong. Not everything a bipolar does is just from bipolar. A persons changes have to come from within, because they want to change. I think it is great you wanting to be there for him and all...I do. But it doesn't seem like he is ready for a relationship that involves a true commitment ( example, dating a random teenager). If you are looking for someone to be all yours and spend time with you, have fun with , someone you can count on, than he isn't for you right now and may never be. You are a very intellegent woman who can have so much to offer the right person. I am not saying you can't be friends with this guy, but move on and make you happy. Live your life and don't put it on hold for him. I know this is all easier said than done but if you take care of yourself you will be happier instead of waiting for him to get " better".


Hugs,


Tina




     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-30-2007
Wed, 05-09-2007 - 9:53pm
I don't have answers I am just learning. But I liked reading the responses others posted. I know a guy who is all over the place too. I don't know why he would do the things he is doing to me either - except I do know it isn't my fault. He has lots of issues he is throwing all over the place, but I am not to blame. You are not to blame either.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2007
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 11:31am

Thank you so much, for all your kind words. I'm not sure why his actions would affect me so much. For once, you know, it just seemed like things were actually getting better. But he's in a pattern, and won't change, and instead of dealing with the fact that I'm not a good person and not worth changing for, I'm not sure he's the type of person who even realizes he hurts others, and that's not the type of person to be in a relationship with. How can I not feel rejected though? He always says no one knows him better than I do so it just frustrates me when I'm standing there, with my metamorphical arms outstretched, sacrificing myself on the altar of dignity by saying, "Please, just love me!" and he doesn't. Not that he even knows half of what I've been through and the type of inner strength it takes to even put myself out there like to someone else, especially someone who's hurt me previously, over who's actions I'd had to recover from without help or explanation from him until this finality of his diagnosis.

In short, who's the out of it one here: him or me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 12:22pm

I understand completely how hard it is to reach out for someone to love you only to be rejected and hurt, once again. My question to you is do you feel safe reaching out to him because in the back of your mind you know he will reject you and you won't really have to put yourself out there? I know it sounds weird because deep down we want to be loved but it is hard for us to trust sometimes and we end up picking people that can not be there for us emotionally. If we found someone who could be there emotionally, would that person seem too threatening to us? Sometimes we have alot of work to do on ourselves first before we can receive the love we deserve. We have to love ourselves first. I know you have heard that one before, but it is so true.


Take time to take care of you and do good things for yourself. Are you in counseling? Just my opinion, I think you could benefit from counseling. Someone to help you through your feelings and things you have been through in your life.


You wrote: "instead of dealing with the fact that I'm not a good person and not worth changing for"


This statement shows me you are very down on yourself and feel it is your fault he doesn't love you and is not there for you. So not true. You deserve love and you need to love yourself. His actions because of his illness or for whatever reason is not your fault and it does not make you unloveable. This is his problem and you are taking it personal, which I understand being rejected for whatever reason hurts but you have to keep in mind it isn't you.


I really can feel your pain in your post and I wish I could make you feel better about yourself, but that is something most of us here work on all the time, everyday.


One thing I think you could think about with this guy, is setting some boundaries. Don't let him just come and go when ever he feels like it. Make a stand that you are his friend but you will not allow him to come and go like a revolving door. Let him know how his actions hurt you. You need to let him know how YOU feel. If he can't respect your boundaries than you could re-evaluate whether this person is a positive in your life or

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 12:26am
You can't live like that.
If you have tried to be understanding and help,
that's great but you should not take that kind of treatment.
Open your eyes sweetheart being bipolar is not a excuse to treat others badly.
I am severely ill and I know the difference between right and wrong.
You probably won't find out why he is doing this to you,
My guess is you don't need to.
Take care and good luck.

Sparkleeyes..........

Live life well & Always look ahead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2003
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 11:54am

First of all...((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))))))))))))))) to you sweetie. You do not deserve to be treated like you are being treated. I could not agree more with posts that Tina has posted. You need to set boundaries and learn to take care of you before you can take care of or love another person. You do sound like you are being way too hard on yourself and that is a sign that you could benefit from some counseling yourself. It doesn't have to be a long-term thing. Just long enough to get you through this hard time you are having and to learn to love yourself and take care of yourself. That's not to say you are not a strong person, because I believe you are. In order to take the abuse from your ex the way you have demonstrates strength, but it's abuse you should not have to endure. You need to end it now before it destroys you as an individual. You have a right to live a full and happy life and it doesn't sound like this guy has that to offer you. You are young and have many years to find "Mr. Right." So I would say take this one and stay friends with him if that's possible and move on. He doesn't deserve your love. I know that probably sounds harsh and easier said than done, but having gone through a messy divorce I now see it for what it was.


My ex manipulated me in ways that I can't begin to mention and he's still doing it to this day 7 years later. Only now, I'm getting the help that I need to finally stand up to his stunts and am going after him with both barrels blazing. He's content with thinking I won't. He thinks I'm the same person who wouln't stand up for myself 7 years ago. He has no idea of how much I have changed. I'm about ready to show him just how much I've changed.


So that's my $.02 worth. Take care of you first. That's the key. And post here as often as you need/want to. We're here for you and we're glad you found our growing "family".


Hugs,
Traci

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-12-2007
Sat, 05-12-2007 - 11:57pm

I looks live you've gotten good advice from others so far, but I just wanted to add my 2cents. The best thing you can do is take care of yourself. You can still care about your boyfriend, but put yourself first. Being with someone who is able to care about you and love you the way you deserve to be loved is the most important thing. If it can't be the person you are with, it will be someone else.

I've been where you are, and wish that I had made a different choice. I met my husband 9 years ago when he was 23. We had some issues, but I knew that he loved me. So I overlooked the hurtful things that he had done. About 4 years ago, he was diagnosed as bipolar. I finally had an explanation for his behavior, but that doesn't make the things he's done hurt any less. I've been married for 7 years now, and there a lot of days I wish I hadn't said "I do." My husband is in treatment, but sometimes he still has big mood swings. He had a major episode that was triggered by the birth of our son last year. Things can go along smoothly for awhile then, BAM something happens and we are have to take 3 steps back. I've had to deal with suicide attempts during depressive episodes, and financial issues and sexual promiscuity during manic episodes. He's got a child outside of our marriage from this-and has to pay child support which takes away from our household income. I've had to hospitalize him 2 times in the past year. Also the cost of medication can be expensive even with health insurance. Imagine visiting the psych ward with a newborn (we had to get special permission for this.) Before you make a decision about whether or not to continue seeing this young man, ask yourself if these are some of the things you are willing to go through. Not everyone has these issues, but you should be aware of some of the very real things that can happen. Don't get me wrong, we've had some wonderful times too, but the rough times can be really bad.

I love my husband, and I've invested a lot in our relationship. I stay with my husband because my marriage vows included being there in sickness and in health. Bipolar disorder is a sickness. Some of his behavior is caused by his sickness. Knowing what I know now, I may not have gotten married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 4:55pm

I haven't read the other posts in response here, but let me tell you how I feel. Do NOT under any circumstances think you have to forgive him because he is BP and "can't help it". Just because we are BP doesn't give us the right to mistreat anyone. EVERYTHING we do, we should be held accountable. When I've been in the midst of an episode, I made TONS of decisions that I shouldn't have made...but I had to face them, and I did.

He also needs time to get himself into treatment and get stable.

You're so young, and you don't need this roller coaster for the rest of your life.

I know its difficult, but you will be better off in the long run.

Hugs,

Keli