triggers
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| Mon, 06-04-2007 - 8:03am |
i actually posted right b/f i had all my suicide stuff in order.
i guess i didn't tho.i remember doing alot of stuff i never did & the other way around.
anyway,crying just started to HURT & not releive & my children started to suffer.
altho they know more about mental illness than any child should.
more than my stupid thoughtless husband claims to.
a social worker called me as i was pulling away from school after picking up my kids.
why THEN?
& WHERE the heck was she for the entirety of last year when i needed help w/ my dd & was LITERALLY LOOKING UNDER CHAIRS &desks to FIND HER
anyway,i know by now that anytime my h promises to help no matter what he is going to snatch it away like a rug under my feet.
think of the most volitle & nuts you have ever been & that's me now.goodness help the dog if he doesn't pee when i tell him to.i HAVE managed not to physically hurt my kids or call them names.i just realized that.
i must love them alot.
i managed my 2 tdoc appts & the second one had my h on speaker phone which is when i decided i will never speak to that enabling SOB for as long as i have breath in my body.
there was a tme during this when i surrendered & accepted that he was all i had & he would help me get well.
but there is that part of him that has me just where he wants me.
my dd was taping notes to the fridge & the phone & whatever asking him to call the hospital.he kept telling me we had to go to the hospital,to get ready to go
BUT
BUT
BUTBUTBUTBUTBUTBUTBUTBUTbutbutbutbutbutbuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut!
it was just him & me.NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBODY else.his boss was out of the office fighting the cancer that had stricken both his wife & child,& now my h had his responsibilities.
the hospital kept coming up tho.i wonder why.what wouldve happened if i had said.."goody let's go"
so i'm in my tdocs again..i had canceled my pdoc & was living on benzos & herbals.
ECT comes up..cause i'm worse.i one night took seroquels & ativan every hour but i never slept & i didn't puke it up & i was very tenaciously still ALIVE.
so i came up with a new plan'
don't delete me..i won't share it.
dr..speakerphones h who doesn't even have the brain power to turn the tv down.
see...as an example,the other week i told h i was frightened.would you rather i didn't go shopping today?
i'd rather yu didn't.
1/2 hour goes by..MAYBE an hour & he leaves to go shopping.
pull the rug OUT from under me.
so..the dr. is discussing how important starting ect is for me & must start in the hospital & he says(after she citing the family leave act)that it's bull & EVERYTIME HE HAS BEGUN TO GET AHEAD IN WORK I HAVE PULLED THIS.
i ended up in pdoc who started me on mao inhib. patch(which has less precautions than oral)
this morning h mentioned the hospital.
i told him he could shut up now & pay me back 10,000 at least of what he owes me,a house & a thank you for every time i encouraged him to move on from a low paying dead end job.
the list of those who think i'm woorthless just keeps adding up.

I am sorry your H is not supportive of your needs and he isn't more understanding of your illness. I understand how that feels. My bf can be a real jerk sometimes too.
Sounds like you are the one being there for everyone else but no one is being there for you. You will have to be there for you. That is hard to do when we are so depressed and all we want is the pain inside of us to end. Does your tdoc help you with ways to take care of yourself. Is your tdoc any help to you?
Do you feel you need ECT? or do you think you need meds adjusted?
I know you are going through alot. I wish I had some magical word to make you feel all better. I am thinking of you and I am glad you come here and post. You are a good person. Don't let anyone tell you any different.
Big hugs ((((((((((((((Suz))))))))))))))
Tina
~ Tina ~