GRRRRR.....(poss. triggers)
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GRRRRR.....(poss. triggers)
| Wed, 06-06-2007 - 1:11pm |
Sorry to growl at everyone, but I am seeing red right now! My DH was trying explain some thing to me about our bank account (for the 2nd time,meds make me forgetful)He also needed our debit card, which I had accidentally left in the locked glove compartment in our locked car& when I went to go get it , he started railing on me about how every time I go to the store I spend too much on food(we are on a VERY tight budget, but we make just enough not to qualify for Food Stamps, or other temporary help.)WHy was I so forgetful, irresponsible , etc.....all with a very condescending look on his face. I said that I needed to take out 20 for the store, & 10 to pay for this event at my son's school that we are attending(my sons, a friend& I )He says that I am not allowed to take out the extra $10 b/c I will just spend it at the store& then ask for more, b/c i am irresponsible with $. For the record, I am buying T.P., milk,& diapers with the $20. So, I said "allowed?", " I am not your daughter, I am your wife..." But, I guess since he makes the money, & I am not working outside the home,I hold no power in the relationship. He critcises , I feel , literally everything I do: I talk too much, don't raise the kids right,Etc. He does like my cooking. He wants sex every night! He is miffed, but understanding, when he doesn't get it. I ca't sleep with someone who doesn't like me. HE has been so patient in the past, dealing with my "issues" I try so hard to be even-keeled& a good mom. In a recent arguement he threatened that if I don't "get my sh** together, then he would leave& take the kids with him...he says that i have no legal recourse,since I am "insane"& "unstable". Most people I know would probably not even be able to tell that i was much morethan mildly depressed, since i try SO hard to cover up my BP moods. I am mostly angry b/c at the end of the arguement, (we were not yelling, due to my kids being in the next room) he called me 2 names outright, in front of my older son: "annoying"(OK, I'll give him that one:) & "nuts". I feel like,at this point, i have exhausted his patience, & broken his spirit. He used to be so much more forgiving, but I gues he has just "had it" after 10 yrs. of ups& downs. I don't want get divorced, for a # of reasons, but I won't stay w/ someone who can't stand me anymore & thinks that I am "nuts" & therefore not to be trusted with $, my kids, etc. Sorry about the long,rambling, bi*chy post(filled w/ grammatical errors, no doubt:)just feeling SO ANGRY, & no-one I can talk to safely about this....Thanks for reading....

Hello, Wonderbread. I soooo know where you're coming from! My husband gets the same way with me. And, like you, most people wouldn't know that I'm bipolar unless I have a bad episode in public (that has happened). His ex wife was also bipolar, same type and level as I am, so he's fully aware of how I am and what triggers me. What I think happens is that they gets frustrated and even though they know, they don't fully understand. My husband has threatened to commit me, to kick me out, a lot of things. I've gotten to the point that whenever he calls me crazy or insane, I just laugh at him and tell him that I'm already aware of that. And he can go ahead and commit me if he wants. Because I know for all his frustrations and anger at me for the smallest things, he wouldn't do that. They just don't know first hand what happens in our minds, what sort of daily struggles we go through. Hang in there, and keep your chin up!
Have you tried journaling? Just writing down whatever you're feeling, whatever's happening, so that you're keeping tabs on your moods and triggers? That way when you're calmed down, or more stable, you can see what triggered you and what you've done about it? It really helps me when I get into a black rage to keep my mouth shut and just write. I'm able to see in my own handwriting (!) what I was doing and feeling and it really helps me understand and try to keep a better handle on things.
Lots of hugs!
Jess