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Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
New Here
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Mon, 06-18-2007 - 6:43am
I have finally accepted the diagnosis of being bipolar. I had to when I had periods of not remembering hours at a time or my mind racing so fast it was like a mouse running back and forth in my brain. I have learned that I have said some terrible, terrible things to people that I have no memory of at all. One guy just told me what I said to him a year ago and it makee me sick. Other ruined relationships included people who refuse to acknowledge I exist, i.e they don't respond to emails, phone calls, etc. I'm sick with guilt over all of tis. It makes me wonder what else I've done. It makes me not want to leave my house at all. I know I had horrible spending sprees that have left me oon the verge of bankruptcy but this is worse. How do you deal with this kind of thing? I am finally on the right meds - I don't fight with me people and I don't have periods of time I can't remember. I no longer spend money or have the desire to. I'm rather shocked by this whole disease - it has caught me by surprise. I have been under tremendous stress for the last several years and it's only been the last few years that this ugly side of me has reared its ugly head. Scary. I feel so ashamed yet nobody will accept my apology either.

Travi

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: travinski
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 6:08pm

Welcome to the board, I'm glad you found us and hope you will find this the great place of support that I have.


BP can definitely mess with your life, as you've discovered and when it's acting up, horrible things can spew from your mouth even as another part of you is shocked, but helpless to stop it.

Avatar for travinski
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2004
In reply to: travinski
Mon, 06-18-2007 - 8:54pm
Thanks for your advice. I was friends with someone but right after I left my husband, I was crazed. I would send her an "up" email and then an angry one. I was spiralling out of control and was mean and ugly. I apologized a zillion times. I didn't know I was bipolar at the time. She told everyone at work and although I teach at a different school, I am shunned by an entire community. I have tried numerous times to apologize (I can't bring myself to phone her - I am just too embarrassed)and explain it was a nervous breakdown but she has refused to respond to any emails for 4 years. Anyone I try and stay in touch with at that school refuses to have anything to do with me.
It can't help but make me feel ugly inside. I have tried very hard "sucking up" to a couple of people who onced liked me but they keep their distance. I feel my reputation is ruined. If I say I have a mental illness, I'm afraid it will jusst make things worse.
I don't socialize at all now for fear that i will say or do something again to make people angry and start talking about me. Although I have tendencies to have mood changes, my medication has greatly improved my inpulse control and stabilized my moods.
It's hard to take though. I feel terrible that so many people would treat me horribly. I had a life threatening illness and was in a coma for 4 days. I was on a respirator and a feeding tube and in ICU for 2 weeks. When I got out of the hospital, I emailed her and told her what happened and how life is too short, etc. and she still didn't respond. Either did the others send any kind of acknowledgement that this happened to me. I was not on the right meds and went off again. I couldn't believe that people didn't care if I died. They still did not want anything to do with me.
A year or two ago, I sent this girl an $80 baby gift basket when I learned she had a baby. She did not send a thank you. This hurts more than you can possibly imagine. She is sending the message loud and clear that she wants nothing to do with me and I keep begging for forgiveness. I'm afraid if I send her one more email at work she will report me for harassing her. I have not emailed her much over the last year - maybe 3 times and just to send her stuff regarding work. I continue to "suck up." When she or others don't respond, I feel extremely ashamed and depressed. I hate myself. I must be a terrible person to have evoked such emotions.
Now I am afraid to show anger at all for fear I'll lose control. To anyone who is associated with that staff, I am falling all over them but they back off like I'm crazy.
This is horrible. This is just horrible.

Travi