I'm in trouble **MAJOR TRIGS* *

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2004
I'm in trouble **MAJOR TRIGS* *
8
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 12:53pm
Have you ever felt so depressed your whole body feels numb? I feel nothing for anybody. I CAN'T LOVE!! WHY? I remember as a child I loved everybody and everything than like a switch around 13 it turned off. Now I have a beautiful little baby that seems like a stranger to me. I mechanically go through the motions of caring for her, changing her diaper, making sure she is clean and gets plenty of food and holding but I feel NOTHING. I coo at her and cuddle her close and rock her gently but I feel like a robot. It's almost like I am afraid to feel anything. As I watch my DH and the rest of my family with her my guilt increases. They are all estatic while I am in total despair. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?? I just want to die! Last week I went nuts and drove my car to the mall and started popping Xanax and Seroquel. I lost the ability to stand and move my legs and the car was hot. Then I felt guilty for leaving all the people that love me that I can't love back and called rescue because I couldn't even put the key in the ignition to drive home. I was so embarrassed. I told no one the REAL reson I did it. They just think it's a simple case of PPD and I spent two days inpatient. But it's more than that. I don't want my precious daughter to start picking up on my lack of feelings for anything. I don't want her hurt by her mothers lack of warmth. I don't feel I deserve to live. If you can't love why would you even WANT to live? I would rather die than hurt my girl. I would be a very bad influence on her later. I could damage her emotionally. I think it's best that I get out of the picture BEFORE she gets to know me. When she cries I become FRANTIC and sick to my stomach. My DH is doing all the night feedings. His face lights up whenever he hold her. I feel numb and sick. I look at my poor husband who worships the ground I walk on and know I feel nothing for him either. I hate me more than I ever have. I don't think I will last much longer. Soon the guilt over damaging my child emotionally will overcome the guilt over leaving my family. I have all the meds I need. I just need a time and a place which I haven't decided on yet. I won't do it at home I don't want my family to find me. I hurt so bad I just want to end it. The family would be better off without me. My daughter will grow up feeling loved by EVERYBODY because I am the only jerk that can't. I feel despicable. I need to save my daughter before it's too late. Children grow so quickly. I'm so numb...I can't think anymore.

Jodie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 2:10pm

((((((Honey)))))),

Sounds like you may have postpartum psychosis, a severe version of PPD. Get yourself to a PPD/PPS specialist right away! Take the Edinburgh Postnatal Depression Scale and show them the results (see attached PDF).

http://emotional.health.ivillage.com/depressionbipolar/postpartumdepression.cfm

Best of luck in getting appropriate treatment.












iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 9:04pm

You need help NOW !!!!!


Please let your family know how you are feeling and get to a doc who understands what you are going through.


When you were inpatient did you even express any of these feelings ????


Your daughter needs her mom so get the help you need. All this negative talk is the severe PPD you are in. Please don't hurt yourself or anyone else. There is help for you but you need to ask for it and take care of this immediately.


Love and hugs, Please keep us updated. I know I will be thinking about you and I hope you feel better very soon.


Tina




     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 10:01pm

Honey,


This is not YOU, this is BP rearing it's ugly head in combination with post-partum depression!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Wed, 06-27-2007 - 11:13pm

(((hugs)))


I went through a lot of


crazy

Avatar for cmkarla
Administrator
Registered: 01-03-2001
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 9:46am

Hi,


I wanted to let you know we care about you and are concerned for you and your family. I'd like to

Karla
Community ModeratoriVillage.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-19-2007
Fri, 06-29-2007 - 10:29am

YOU ARE NOT ALONE...we are all here for you and so is your family.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-14-2005
Sun, 07-01-2007 - 6:47pm
Please please please get the help that you need. I went to a funeral this weekend where the daughter had committed suicide. Her mother and father were so distraught, as were her brother and sister. She had 600 friends alone show up- just friends! Everyone there was wondering why they couldn't have stopped her and what they did wrong. Your husband loves you, your family loves you, your friends love you. You have touched so many more people than you realize. Please do not do anything rash, you mean too much to too many people! Everyone wants to see you get better. Your daughter needs you, if you leave her now she will spend the rest of her life wondering why you left her- what SHE did wrong. You love her too much to do that. I also went to a memorial service for a suicide- one year later. (I had a fun weekend, as you could tell). The family was still so very hurt, even after a year. You may think the best thing you can do for people is to leave but in all actuality that is the absolute worst thing you could ever do. Please get the help you need. Talk to someone, anyone. Go straight to the ER if you have to. We're all here for you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2006
Wed, 07-04-2007 - 3:36pm
You need to get HELP now.
It almost sounds like your suffering from post partum depression.
Just keep one thing in mind you can't die you can't want to die.
Your baby needs you more then anything.
You are not alone I went trough this and it's rough,
However once you get help you will be fine.
Just try and think this way your baby is a part of you-
If you go down so does your baby.
Please know that you are loved and your not worthless and life is a gift.
Please go to the nearest hospital and tell them how you feel.
Keep in touch.
Take care and get Help.
xxoxo

Sparkleeyes..........

Live life well & Always look ahead.