My boyfriend has a low sex drive. HELP!
Here's the deal. My boyfriend and I have been
together for almost 5 years. We're both 24
today. He is a wonderful man, very loving and
romantic, he is family-oriented, makes me laugh
to tears, we can talk about any topic, we share
the same projects in the future, and we see
life in a similar way. When I met him I knew he
had everything I was looking for. I just adore
him and he makes me feel very happy and
fortunate to have him in my life. Badly for me,
it wasn't long until I found out he had a very
low sex drive.
At the beginning of our relationship we
couldn't have sex very often because we were
dating and we both lived in our parents' houses
(usually crowded with people). We'd have to
find a motel most of the times to have sex.
The low frequency of our sexual encounters
didn't concern me because we didn't always have
enough money to pay for hotels. Whenever we
have sex even now it's great. He seems to enjoy
it a lot and everything is fine. The thing is I
started to discover that he wasn't as
interested in sex as I was. WHenever we were
alone in my or his house I wanted to take
advantage and he just didn't.
Our relationship is so wonderful, and I thought
I was being too demanding. I thought maybe he
needed time or he needed to grow up, or
something. I have been very understanding all
the time. I thought maybe I just had to spice
things up. I've tried sex toys, suggesting new
ideas, new positions, everything. This has
worked some of the time but most of the time my
efforts are worthless. He doesn't seem to want
to talk about it. Whenever we touch a sexual
topic he seems uncomfortable and changes it.
We moved in together a year ago. I thought that
by being together everyday our sex rhythm would
increase. I was wrong. We still have sex once
every two (even three) weeks. When I put some
pressure on it, and if I get lucky, we have sex
once a week.
The thing is, I can think of very little times
when he's started sex. I start sex about 95% of
the time. I feel very rejected all the time
because most of my suggestions are turned down.
I've grown to feel very frustrated and to start
jumping to many theories. Is he gay? Is he not
attracted to me anymore? Does he not like sex?
Is his religion a problem because we're not
married?
Another thing that concerns me is that we've
had very intense sexual encounters about three
or four times in our whole relationship. I call
these "episodes." Where he let out all of his
animal instincts and we had hot, wild sex. One
time we had sex about 7 times in one day.
Another time he woke me in the middle of the
night for hot sex. After each episode I thought
to myself "this is it! from now on everything
will be different." And it just wasn't. After
that everything went back to normal. I'm
concerned because I know all that potential
exists. I know he wants me. I know he enjoys
sex. I know deep inside he's a normal guy.
What's holding him back?
See, he's very loving and keeps telling me how
attracted he is to me. He touches me all the
time in sexual spots. I don't know if this is
genuine or if he does so just to make me feel
less bad about our sex life. The touching in
sexual spots almost never ends in sex. He can
touch my boob with a naughty look and then
continue watching TV as if nothing happened.
I have to say that I have a good self-esteem
and that I consider myself a beautiful, sexy
woman. Also my sex drive is very high. I'm very
fiery and very intense. I've had previous
relationships where sex was great. I feel like
I don't deserve not feeling sexy and being
rejected when so many other guys would be all
over me.
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feeling that he has no intention to work on
this and that he has no interest in trying to
improve. This would be a clear sign that he's
just not interested in our relationship working
anymore than it does now. >>
Are you "working on it" by actively reducing your interest in sex? Why aren't you interested enough in the relationship to do this?
See where I'm going with this? Let's be honest here, you'd like him to follow YOUR agenda. If he doesn't, he's not "working on it." The fact is, you're probably both very nice people and neither of you is "wrong" -- you're just not a great match.
JMHO Freelance
Freelancemomma is right. You will both wind up bitter and resentful over time. The best thing to do is to thank him for telling you straight out who he really is. Encourage him to keep on doing that, because it will help keep him from hurting himself and others as he goes forward. Tell him what a great guy he is. Tell him that you want to be friends. Tell him it is not fair to EITHER of you to go forward with this relationship.
All you have to do is read some of the posts on this board from long time members to see how painful and difficult this will get. You guys aren't different from us. You guys ARE us. You will wind up miserable. Don't put either one of you through that.
You can't fix him.
You have to imagine 10 years from now.
Aprilritchie-
Hi. I have to agree with the others. You've been with your boyfriend for 5 years and haven't been able to work this out to your satisfaction during this time.
If I were you, I would thank your boyfriend profusely. Thank him for for the time you spent together. Thank him for helping you discover the variety of human experience. Then leave.
Do not complain. Do not whine and moan. Do not beg him to change for you. Smile and thank him for what has been a great experience. Thank him for helping you to learn more about yourself and more about what you want in a relationship. Then thank him for understanding that you guys aren't right for each other and wish him well in finding someone more compatible with him.
Because truth be told dearie, you aren't any better a match for him than he is for you. Nagging him for sex and complaining that he isn't satisfying you probably bothers him as much as the lack of sex bothers you.
After all, isn't this what dating is for? To find out what kind of relationship you want? Ending a relationship is not a failure. It is like trying new foods. Sometimes you like them. Sometimes you don't. I tell my kids all the time when trying a new food that if it tastes bad to you it isn't a failure. You have successfully experimented and discovered something new about yourself. Same with dating. You try different guys to find out what you like and don't like about men. Eventually you find one that you like enough to stay with. But the ones you break up with aren't failures. They are successful relationships that you learned from.
Add this one to that list and move on. It is best for both of you.
Sex is one of the Top Two reasons couples divorce. Libido mismatch is more than enough to destroy an otherwise wonderful relationship. Be thankful you spotted this early and can get out relatively easily (compared to after marriage and kids).
When you see it coming, duck!
Should
I really consider spending the rest of my life
with him?
Only if you are able to accept that things will be worse than they already are.You may go from once a week to once a month.Go ahead with your own responsibility rather than ' I thought it will get better or he promised to work on it ' etc.
Should I move back into my parents'
house and leave him?
The best decision you would make , I promise.
Is sex a good enough
reason to end an otherwise perfect
relationship?
Yes,it is.And no, your relationship is not otherwise perfect.The consequences of this mismatch is creeping in , w/o you noticing them now.
Also, wha't causing his low libido?
We cant know it.Either he knows it or he doesnt . Maybe the doctors , maybe not.
You are in EXACTLY the same situation as I am, and you are thinking the same things I am thinking!
- Have I done everything I can? (What about scheduling sex? Hormone injections for him?)
Only you know that.
- Am I really choosing between sex and my fiance? Isn't that shallow?
Would you say about about any other non-negotiable?
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