New here...one year "anniversary"?
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| Wed, 07-04-2007 - 11:59am |
Hello to all!
I was diagnosed with mixed bipolar in April 06, and tried Seroquel, Abilify, Geodon, Topamax, and the evil Zyprexa. I am 5'8" and 115lbs, and the Zyprexa made me gain 40 lbs - nothing like adding extreme weight gain to my laundry list of problems.... Anyway, in July, I was at a terrifying point - anxiety off the scale, cycling continuously, planning on how I would end my life but holding off knowing it would destroy my kids. I was swimming 200+ laps at the Y, trying to put out some of the fire in my head. It got to the point I was seeing my psych 2x a week (again, after I'd maxed out my insurance, $200/wk didn't help my tenuous hold on sanity).
By mid-August, I was barely living; I spent nearly all day in my bedroom paralyzed with fear, of what I'm not sure. I spoke like I had just sprinted 2 miles and would get hysterical if my DH or parents/in-laws even suggested I go for a walk, come to lunch, whatever. Finally, I was sitting on the driveway sobbing in the 100 degree heat and asked my DH to take me to the ER to get myself admitted to the psych facility.
The best hospital in our city is a combo rehab/psych center - being that I'd been self-medicating with pretty much anything I could get my hands on, it was a good choice. I don't know if the treatment actually helped as much as getting me out of the spiral I was in. Going to group 3x a day, having all tasks regulated and pre-planned - I regained that bit of stability. When I left after 10 days (my insurance paid 90% up until that time), I felt like I might be able to claw my way out.
Finally, my psych tried me on Lamictal. The very small increases that are required was a bit hard, but the improvement started, a bit at a time. The morning I woke up w/o the screaming in my head, the day I noticed I wasn't terrified just standing in my kitchen, when I actually laughed for the 1st time in a year or more; I knew I could get at least some kind of normal life.
I guess my point in all this is: I am coming up on the 1st anniversary of being admitted to the hospital (which I call "the joint" to lighten the mood) and I'm starting to get a little nervous. As the summer goes on, I am coming in contact with some of the things that remind me of my struggle last year. Has anyone else dealt with such issues? How are you all dealing with the fact this will be with you forever?
Proud to say I'm off all meds other than the Lamictal, 400mg. Back to my regular weight and totally buff due to channeling my negative feelings into hitting the gym. I'm learning to love my DH again (he deserves a medal for all the crap he's put up with and still believed in me). Cherishing every day with my family and doing all I can to keep myself from going back to that point where I nearly took my own life.
Thanks for any info or common experiences you all can offer. :)

You have gone through a lot. I am glad you got help and went into the hospital. It can be hard to look back and see what all happened over a period of time and especially near anniversary times.
I know for me when I was inpatient having a structured environment got me back on track too.
Lamictal is a good med and works well for many people after they reach their theaputic dosage. I was on it for a long time and did great but then my doc put me on Lithium and I came off the Lamictal. I may end up back on it.
That is great you are working out at the gym. Working out helps to release endorphines and make us feel better. That probably has a lot to with you being able to come off most of your meds. With bipolar being an illness though we usually need some meds to help us through and keep us stable and there is nothing wrong with that. You are doing good. Be proud of yourself for that. Celebrate this anniversary in knowing how far you have come and all the hard work you did to get this far.
The way I deal with this being part of my life forever is taking things one day at a time. Some days are great, some days are ok, some are bad, but each day is a new beginning. So, I guess we have to just keep hanging in there and enjoying those good days and dealing with the bad days the best we can.
Thanks for posting and showing us that even when we are so down that we can get help and keep fighting to have better days. Please come back and keep posting.
Tina
~ Tina ~
Welcome to the board, I'm glad you found us!
Significant "anniversaries" can be rough, but I agree with Tina--this is one to CELEBRATE!