Control while DD throws fits
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| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:13pm |
I am getting REALLY worried, because I seem to loose control of my emotions with my dd a lot lately. I seem to be in control of myself most other times, but when she throws one of her kicking screaming temper tantrums, I seem to loose it. I have hit her a few times, and seem to do more and more violent things to her each time!!!! Like today, I ended up smacking her across the face and even was choking her!!! A week ago I was putting her head in a pillow!!! Once I calm down I start crying because I don't like what I did, but I just seem to loose control.
I was able to stay in control with fits she had Saturday and yesterday, and even today's but when she started smacking me in the face that was when I started hitting her. I realize I should be the better person and control myself, but I can't seem to. To give you an idea of what her temper tantrums are like, on Saturday's fit she was so out of control that she was kicking and punching her door so hard that she cut her toe and her fingers up and got blood every where. Yet she didn't notice that she was even bleeding for some time.
This might sound stupid, but I just don't know what to do. In a lot of ways I don't think that the doctor uping my medicine will help me. And I am not sure if counseling will help either. And I hear that people say that 4 year olds will act like this and this it is just a faze so no one really give me advice on what to do about her. But I want these cycles to end. I don't like what I am doing to her.
Any suggestions?
Alisha
Mom to Taylor 05/03
BreeAnee 09/05
Stacie 04/07



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Alisha,
Sweetie you are going through so much right now. First off thanks for reaching out for help. I want you to make an appointment for your dd to see her doctor or if you can make an appointment right away for a child psychologist/psychiatrist that will be even better. This are not your ordinary fits. Maybe your dd has ADHD or something else going on that needs treatment. Getting her checked out and evaluted will be a good thing to do for her and for your benefit.
Here is a number I found for now that you can call when you feel stressed or to call when you have time to talk to someone about this situation. It is Parental Stress Services 1-800-829-3777. They will talk with you and also help give you referrals to your local area where you can get help.
This is very serious. Your dd could really hurt herself or someone else it seems and it needs attention right away. Also, it is not good, which you already know, hitting your dd. This will not make her stop and it will make you feel bad and you can get into legal trouble over this. You need help coping with this. Do you see a counselor? If you do not you need to right away. If you do see one you need to contact him or her immediately and tell them you need help with your temper and managing your daughter when she has a temper tantrum. Upping your meds can definately help up you with controlling your anger but alot has to be learned through anger management classes or therapy. Meds only do 50 % we have to do our part in our behavior and sometimes we need help learning coping skills to a new way of behavior.
I feel bad you are in this crisis and I wish I could be of more help. Please call the hotline number I gave you and also get help for your dd to see why she is acting out like this and get help for yourself to cope with this situation.
You are right this is a cycle going on and you need help breaking this cycle. Don't let any more time go by without getting professional help. If this is a faze the doctor will tell you but if it is something that can be treated with meds or something else then why should she suffer and why should you? Right?? Even if she is going through a "faze" you would feel better about yourself if you got help coping better and not hitting her or slapping her as a way of dealing with the situation or your anger and frustration.
Good luck sweetie. Please let us know how things are going. We care !!
Tina
~ Tina ~
Thank you for that number, I put it in my cell phone and I am sure I will need to call it. I would've called it today if I had it. As it was I almost called the police, now I realize I probably should. But calling this number is probably a step I could take before I get to the police calling part.
I had a appointment set up for her with a psychologist/psychiatrist (I always get confused what the difference between them is), but ended up canceling it because she seemed better, but I agree that I probably need to take her back. I guess in some ways I worry that talking about how I have treated her (which is vital information to figure what is going on with her, cause I am sure it is not helping her) will give them a reason to take her away from her. Cause I do not want to loose her! I love her, but I do realize that something has got to be done.
About 3 years ago I was seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist, can't remember which one he was, but I ended up stopping because of the lack of money. We don't have insurance and it was getting pretty expansive. He also told me that the medicine was only a temperary fix until we could figure out a better way to solve my problems. I thought I could handle all this alone, but obviously I can't. So I will try and set up a appointment with him ASAP.
Thank you for replying back to me. It is nice to know that people like you are willing to help someone like me in need of help and guidance.
Alisha
Mom to Taylor 05/03
BreeAnee 09/05
Stacie 04/07
Alisha,
I know you don't want your dd taken away from you and I don't want that either. You definately know what you are doing is wrong but you are also reaching out for help and you want to correct this situation which is so good. Is there anyone you can call, a friend or family member to come and get your dd when you feel you may do something you
~ Tina ~
Yeah she is safe staying in a room by herself while I take a time out, the problem is keeping her in her room. She generally tries to open the door the minute I close it. Which is frustrating, but I am still more in control this way. Cause I have a door between me and her as I try to keep the door closed. So even though I am not getting away from her entirely, I am at the same time.
I set up a appointment for this Thursday for my dd and myself. I found a cheap place to go, the money issue was what has REALLY been stopping me from going. I live by a university, and the students going to school for psychology are the once that will actually be evaluating us, but the teacher is on the other side of a glass mirror monitoring us the whole time. So they charge less. $33 verses $110!!! So that will help out a lot.
Another suggestion I got from someone was to have her and me sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star when ever we are starting to feel mad. So I told my dd to do this, and she has already been practicing, "when ever I get mad, I am to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star..." and it is so cute watching her practice.
Thanks again
Alisha
Alisha,
Tina gave you some great advice and it sounds like you're already taking steps to get things under control--that's what matters!
Good luck.
Brenda
I am glad you were able to get the appt for thursday. I hope it works out. $ 33 is a lot better than 110. Twinkle, Twinkle little star is a great idea too. A distraction can help.
Brenda had a good idea for you to read "The bipolar Child".
~ Tina ~
I truly agree with the shower idea. She sometimes gets herself out of her room, but I can lock myself in my room and she can't get to me! And then take a shower undisturbed. Cause I know that these fits also keep spiraling out of control because I can't stay calm myself. So if I am in involved then it might help us both.
By all means there are times where I feel in control, and obviously then I can stay with her and try and calm her down.
Thanks
Alisha
Mom to Taylor 5/03
BreeAnee 9/05
Stacie 4/07
Yeah I have heard that it is quite hereditary. And that is why I have been pestering my family about info. I know my dad use to rage a lot, but my parents always tell me "he was just depressed from loosing his job". or "It was ______ medicine that he was on." But to me he seemed to show signs of bi-polar. And I don't know of ANY ONE else who has had it in my family.
Yet I have a family that is VERY secretive about things, and I don't think they would talk about it if they were. As it is, my family keeps telling me that I am not bi-polar. I have had quite a few people tell me that they do not see any signs of me being bi-polar, and are suprised when I tell them that I am. But they generally don't see me when I am acting out. Cause from what I understand that bi-polar people really don't act or show signs of being bi-polar all the time, do they? I am still learning a lot about it. Partly because I have been in denial that I even had it for 3 years.
Another thing, if my dd is bi-polar, then she acts just like her cousin, and according to my mom just like my sister and 2 brother did as a kid. So they might possibly have it. I have often wondered if my 2 brothers and sister have it right now, because they have some big tempers. But I know that sometimes it is hard to tell tempers from bi-polar rages (at least for me who is still learning) All three of them were diagnosed with ADHD, which I have heard can sometimes be bi-polar, but just misdiagnosed. So I wonder. But at the same, my friend's son was just diagnosed with bi-polar (she has a family history of it), and the way they were actually finally able to tell was when they put him on a ADHD medicine and it made his behaviors worse. They said that if it did this, that would mean he had bi-polar. Have you heard anything about this????
Thanks again
Alisha
mom to Taylor 5/03
BreeAnee 9/05
Stacie 4/07
Thank you Tina,
What you said means a lot to me. To realize that you don't think of me as a bad mom, because I sure feel it. I know that my mom was telling me that today as well, but it is hard to believe it. But really I know I am, because when I am not raging, I really am so calm, soft spoken and loving to my daughters. Its just when I rage that I am like a totally different person. But I guess that is what bi-polar can do to a person.
I am sorry it has taken so long for you to be diagnosed with it, but that is good that your dd is getting the help she needs now so she won't have the same problems you had growing up. Yeah biting glass is a little out of the normal.
So I am with you in the fact that they are learning so much about this disorder. And that people are starting to realize that it really isn't a embarassing thing to have depression, bi-polar, or other mental disorder. That it truly is a illness. It is still hard for some people to think of it that way, like my family, but it is nice that so many people do.
And yes I will let you know how the appointment goes. Thanks for all your positive words
Alisha
Mom to Taylor 5/03
BreeAnee 9/05
Stacie 4/07
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