Control while DD throws fits
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| Mon, 07-16-2007 - 2:13pm |
I am getting REALLY worried, because I seem to loose control of my emotions with my dd a lot lately. I seem to be in control of myself most other times, but when she throws one of her kicking screaming temper tantrums, I seem to loose it. I have hit her a few times, and seem to do more and more violent things to her each time!!!! Like today, I ended up smacking her across the face and even was choking her!!! A week ago I was putting her head in a pillow!!! Once I calm down I start crying because I don't like what I did, but I just seem to loose control.
I was able to stay in control with fits she had Saturday and yesterday, and even today's but when she started smacking me in the face that was when I started hitting her. I realize I should be the better person and control myself, but I can't seem to. To give you an idea of what her temper tantrums are like, on Saturday's fit she was so out of control that she was kicking and punching her door so hard that she cut her toe and her fingers up and got blood every where. Yet she didn't notice that she was even bleeding for some time.
This might sound stupid, but I just don't know what to do. In a lot of ways I don't think that the doctor uping my medicine will help me. And I am not sure if counseling will help either. And I hear that people say that 4 year olds will act like this and this it is just a faze so no one really give me advice on what to do about her. But I want these cycles to end. I don't like what I am doing to her.
Any suggestions?
Alisha
Mom to Taylor 05/03
BreeAnee 09/05
Stacie 04/07



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Alisha, even if the bipolar is not diagnosed in your family look for alcholics, or people who use illicit drugs or prescritption drugs to self medicate. Also look for people with quick tempers (ie your dad). There is a difference between a "normal" rage and a bipolar rage. Normal rages tend to not last long and aren't often violent. Bipolar rages on the other hand can last a very long time and are more likely to be violent.
Like I said in the first post get a copy of "The Bipolar Child". It describes the differnce between ADHD actions and Bipolar actions. Also iVillage has a child bipolar board that can be very informative as well as supportive. This is a link to that board.
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/listsf.asp?webtag=iv-ppchildnbd&nav=start
I have heard about giveing a child an ADHD med to see what the reaction was. In our DS's case it made NO differnce.
In case you are wondering where I have gotten all this knowledge. DH and DS are early onset bipolar, and I am depressive bipolar. Yes EOBP can continue into adulthood with the same symptoms which are still different from BP I or BP II. The more you read and research you will find there are many types of bipolar, and it affects everyone differnetly. Also everyone reacts differently to the medications so it may take awhile for you to find the medication coctail that is best for you. Yes, most people take more than one medication to keep them stable.
If you need any more information please stick around here as well as check out the child bipolar board.
You have found a great place to find info, support, or just to vent. We are a good bunch of ladies and a few (I actually think it is only one) men, one of which is my DH.
Brenda
edited to add You didn't say anything about your husband or if you aren't married the childrens father. Is there any mental illness in his family? Or any of the other things I asked about in the first paragraph?
Edited 7/17/2007 3:24 pm ET by melissacat66
I am glad I read through all the posts before I responded emotionally to this one. DW (melissacat66) answered this much calmer than I would have. There are red flags all over your families history, even the little bit you know about. Before you do to much more I would HIGHLY recommend getting "The Bi-Polar Child" and reading the symptoms section as well as the intro. I am quite passionate about this as I fought with this dis-order for yrs not even knowing what I was fighting....now that I am medicated I FINALLY see the difference between my bp fueled rages and my rages now. My bp fueled rages were ugly and I didn't hit either of my children or DW thankfully....it was touch and go at times with DS. I also know that DS is in worse shape now than he needs to be due to the pdocs wanting to treat the ADD/ADHD first. The book tells you in no uncertain terms that bp should be ruled out first as AD's and ADD/ADHD meds WILL cause rapid cycling in eobp and make the swings worse. I probably shouldn't be this vehement, but DO NOT let the pdoc put your DD on ADD/ADHD meds without telling him about you and the temper on your side of the family. As DW advised, find out about the family history on the child's fathers side too, alcoholics, quick temper, violent temper, drugs. So many docs want to rule EVERYTHING else out FIRST when they should be looking for bp FIRST.
One suggestion I have that I didn't see anyone else make is to make a "safe room". Remove everything and anything that your DD can hurt herself with and put a lock on the outside of the door. That way you can lock her in and get some distance between the two of you until one or both of you calms down. It sounds cruel, but on the child bp board a discussion came up about this and several of us did it/do it. It was the only way to maintain some sanity in the family, especially with multiple kids. Put the bp raging one in the safe room and the rest of the family can have some semblance of a normal meal say.
Hope some of this helps and good luck.
tk
There are no alcholics or drug addicts in my family. I come from a very religious family. And as far as I know there are none in my dh's family.
You were saying that bi-polar rages aren't generally short, but can be quite violent. My rages tend to be short and violent. My dad's were also short and violent. Now I think about it, that is the same for my dd's rages/temper tantrums. There are quite a few things that people describe about bi-polar that just doesn't seem to fit me, then there are things that I feel completely describe me. So I have been trying to research stuff, but I only find things that seem to be over my head. But that is why I am here. To make better sense of things, from real people who are going threw it.
I am going to try and get "The Bipolar Child" and maybe that will also help me understand myself better as well as my dd. I actually found it on line for like $3!! total $6 with shipping not too bad.
Yeah I can already tell that there are some good people here that have their arms open and willing to give me and others like me a big hug. That is why I love ivillage. We have no clue who we are, but we are all here for each other. It feels good when you can help someone in need, and it helps when you are the one that gets the help. Honestly it is wonderful all around.
Alisha
Mom to Taylor 05/03
BreeAnee 09/05
Stacie 04/07
Thank you for your concerns and advice. It is nice to have such a safe place to come to. I did in fact buy "The Bi-Polar Child". And I have been reading it. It is very informative. I have found a lot of things that fit my dd, but then there are a lot of things that don't even sound like her. So I have come to the conclusion that she isn't bi-polar, due to there being more that doesn't describe her. I plan to try and read some more though.
I have also gone to a psychiatrist, and almost had my kids taken away. Due to what I have done of course. But everything is ok there. And the psychiatrist is thinking that I am not bi-polar. He is thinking that the previous psychiatrist was simply going off symptoms that were probably post partum depression.
In a lot of ways this is encouraging to me, because it makes me realize that I have more control over myself than I thought I did. I think that alone might help me handle my dd's fits better. Cause before I kept thinking "I don't have control over this, I am bi-polar, and sometimes things like this happen when your bi-polar" I realize this wasn't how I should've thought, but I did. Now I won't think that.
I have successfully gotten threw a few fits without loosing my cool, and even helped her calm down before she got out of control as well. So things are a lot better over here.
Thanks again for all your help
Alisha
Mom to Taylor (4)
BreeAnee (2)
Stacie (3 months)
Am I the only person who read the "I slapped her accross the face and tried to choke her, I even put a pillow case over her head" part???
This isn't like slapping a child on a hand. This is abusive and could lead to the death of an innocent child. You shouldn't like what you are doing to her. Every part of it is wrong. And she will remember it all and will not feel safe around her own parent.
You need to find a safe place for your child to go while you get yourself pulled together and figure out what is going on with you.
I totally agree, that is why I am going to a psychiatrist again, and that is why I bring her along some times as well. Because she has gotten a little more timid around me when she is doing something naughty, because she is afraid of what I am going to do. This was also the reason I upped my anti-depressant even though I wish nothing more than to stop taking them all together. This is why I reported myself to child services, even though I knew I would risk loosing all my dds. If I didn't see anything wrong with this, I wouldn't of done any of these things.
My last post was simply to say I am having progress. That I am finding that it may not really be bi-polar that is the cause for such rage. It is still a concern to me why I am doing this, but then at the same time it is helping me get one step closer to figuring out what is going on. Cause you don't know how much I am, and have been, beating myself up for what I have done to her. My mom tells me that "sometimes moms do that, because they are so stressed" but my attitude is, "I should NEVER do something like that, it just isn't right! Stressed or not".
Oh other ways I am trying to straighten all this out; I am going to get a part time job some where, so I can get out of the house for a little bit. Also once a month I am going to go with a friend of mine and have a girls night out. Once a month I am going to go on a date with my dh, we normally go about once a year! Yeah pretty sad.
Then to help my dd, we have started a "Big Girl Chart" where if she does anything good, anything at all. I give her a sticker. She is right now working towards a baby doll. There has been a change in her since we started this, she is constantly wanting to help me. She still has more fits than I would like but they are better. I am 100% sure it is because I have been calmer.
Thank you for your concerns
Alisha
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