Hoping for some advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Hoping for some advice
3
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 6:44am

About 2 mos. ago, my husband of almost 20 years told me he didn't love me as a wife anymore and wanted out. We tried marriage counseling, but he started to talk about some really weird stuff and the counselor had to keep trying to get him to focus. I thought it was because he didn't want to work on the marriage. The counselor told him a few sessions in that she believed he was bipolar and needed to talk to a pdoc. He never went back to another counseling session. His whole family is bipolar, and it goes generations back. About 10 years ago, he started drinking heavily and had an affair. He wasted away all of our money and we lost everything. After 2 years of binging, running away and stints in jail for violence, he checked into rehab and was diagnosed with alcoholism and depression. Since then things were great. He was back to the man I married.

Then he dropped the bomb on me about divorce and wanting to move out. This was a few days after he spent the day crying because he said my daughter who is 16 will be going off to college and will be leaving him. He said it finally hit him and he was devastated. His personality did a total change after that. He says he feels passion for nothing except freedom. He said he's been searching for something his whole life and knows when my daughter moves out, he will take off and I will never see him again. That's why he wants a divorce. He goes out to get us dinner or to get gas, and comes back 2 or 3 days later, and be amazed that I am upset. I don't think he ever gets a good night's sleep. All night his muscles will jerk in his sleep. There have been a few times his muscles have jerked and he ended up punching me while I was sleeping.

I was going to do bills yesterday and checked online. There was no money in our bank account. In the past 5 days, he spent almost $1000. I confronted him about it and even after he saw the bank activity, he didn't believe it was him. He tried to blame me. He keeps saying he doesn't want to end up like his parents. My FIL was bipolar and schizophrenic and things became messy about 15 years ago. It was awful. My FIL tried to kill my MIL and wound up in a mental hospital. When he got out he took off for 2 years. We didn't know if he was alive or dead. Through it all, my MIL stayed with him. Even when he would get violent. I really want to get my husband help. My daughter loves him, but has pulled away from him, and I'm not sure how I feel anymore. Is there anything that can be done? I know you can't make someone get help, but my SIL said once he cycles down from this high, he may be more willing to get help and to try to stick it out. He really is the most wonderful husband and father when he is thinking clearly. As of right now, he thinks nothing is wrong with him and that it's normal to act the way he does. I truly do not want him to go down the same road as his dad did. Any insight? Sorry this is so long.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2006
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 12:47pm

I hear the pain in your post and I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this. I know it is very hard to love someone and want them to get help and they refuse to get treament. You are right, you can't make anyone get help, but I do understand trying to guide them to get treatment.


Your SIL is right, maybe once he comes down off this high and crashes into depression, which he most likely will hit depression. He may be more willing to get treatment. No one likes the feelings of depression so they sometimes will seek treatment then. Hopefully he will. When manic it is too hard to reason with them.


First of all you have to try, and I know this is hard, but don't take this personally. He is confused and has an illness. Your marriage may or may not survive, but you have to take care of you. Have you thought about getting counseling just for you? It could help you learn to cope with what this is bringing to your life and ways to take care of you during this time of struggle in your marriage and if he does leave you will need support and help getting through.


Bipolars, when manic will tend to spend alot, sometimes they gamble, and they leave for days and sometimes weeks. This is very upsetting for the family members to deal with.


My question to you is what are you going to do if he doesn't get treatment? I am not saying you have to leave him. That is your choice. But in my opinion you need to care for yourself. Another question, do you feel in any danger around him? Do you feel he can be violent with YOU or your daughter? Now I know you said he was in jail before due to violence so do you think he could snap and hurt you? If you think he could and he refuses to get help you may want to think about if it is safe to live in the same house with your husband. I know you love him and want to be there and there is nothing wrong with that, but I am concerned about your safety and your needs.


I really think talking with a counselor yourself would help you figure out what is best for you to do and help you through this. Will the counselor you and your husband have been seeing see you for counseling on your own? If not I think it would be beneficial for you to find someone else to help you through this very tough time.


Again, I am so sorry you are going through this. I know this is breaking your heart seeing your husband like this and feeling like you don't know what to do anymore. The people you can help is you and your daughter.


Keep posting anytime. We will help support you through this the best we can, but we aren't professionals. I hope your dh gets treatment.


Hugs,


Tina

     ~ Tina ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2002
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 8:23pm

Well, I have never had a situation like this, but for what it's worth, here is what I would do, me being a person dealing with her own bp disorder for 14 years...

I love my DH dearly, but there are things that are definite deal-breakers with me. Those would be having a drug or alcohol addiction and refusing to get help, AND having a serious mental illness and refusing to get help.

I would keep trying to encourage your DH to get help for a time, and then maybe go for that divorce if time says it is a lost cause.

Express.
Beth "Petrouchka"

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 3:09pm

Although, ultimately he is the one who has to decide to get treatment, since it is in his family already, maybe one of his family members with BP can make him understand what it can do to him and the need for treatment.