Untreated Bipolar..Where to start?
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|Tue, 02-16-2010 - 12:29pm|
So I'm bipolar and I'm a huge mess literally. I'm unmedcated, because of bad experiences with medication. It's really hard for me to get started on meds and I feel at this point like i'll never get better and the rest of my life will be a daily struggle.
The thing is I have an absolutely amazing, understanding and loving boyfriend, I cannot emphasis that enough, we've been through it all and in the end he's always there, but why? I don't know. In some ways I do not want his help or support, It's not fair to him. I feel like nothing but a nuisance to him and don't know what to do with myself 95% of the time. On top of all of this he is on disability and I've been living with him for 2 years, I've went from job to job and been jobless for a while now. I've had friends turn against me because they think I'm using him or something, because I entered a manic state left and when I got down again I came back. I will never let that happen again because that's one of the stupidest things I've done during out relationship. I'm not at all using him I'm so very thankful to have him in my life and I cannot thank him enough for all he's done for me. While I love and adore this man in every way possible, It's such a difficult situation. I feel as if it's not fair to him what he does for me, it's simply selfish, but I'm beyond helping myself. I know it's not his responsibility to take care of me and I explain that to him, then he says he does it because he wants to and because he loves me. He's told everyone about how hard it is taking care of 2 ppl then when we talk about it he makes it seem like everything is fine. I feel like he uses it against me which hurts even more.
I seriously have no clue where to even start to help myself and I cannot continue to depend on him. This is the worst unhealthy relationship ever, I want to learn how to make it healthy without losing him. I love this man I just want to learn to love him in the way he deserves. I've considered hospitalization and he's totally against that and says if I do it, he's done. I think it's because he's afraid I'll leave him again once I get better, he thinks once I get better I won't need him anymore. That's not that case at all, I want him and I want us to be happy again, simply put. Where did you start when you were at your worst?